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Mark: I hate all of you
“So? What is it?” Zander sighs into his camera.
I narrow my eyes at my friends, my brothers. “First, did all of you know there were other viable options besides marrying me to the enemy’s niece?” Silence. “Fanfuckingtastic. Then you’re all guilty, and thus, obligated to help me.”
Robbie wipes his camera lens. “Some context would be great.”
Gailo’s voice comes in, “It’s about his wife.”
Van’s voice is next, “Intriguing.” He must be in a meeting or on a simultaneous call with someone else.
“Van, don’t put yourself at risk for this, you big ugly asshole.” I spit.
We all wait for a moment to see if he hangs up. “No, not necessary.” He grunts. Fighting. He’s sparring with someone. Or actively defending himself in a real brawl? He’s insane.
“Whatever, man. So…” I brace myself. “Gailo is right.”
“Oh, wow, I’m so surprised by this.” Zander deadpans. I flip him off.
Robbie smiles. “How can we help, assuming that’s the actual point of this emergency all-hands-on-deck conference?”
I glare at him. “Well, for fucking starters, you can fill me in on all the gaps about my wife. How come she knows what I eat and what I listen to and what I buy. Where’s my damn consumer report?”
“Burn!” Gailo yells, switching to join us on video. Robbie adjusts his glasses.
“He didn’t want to bother me, I’m sure.” Zander pipes in. “Hacking is my area, and as you all know, I’m very busy.”
“Wait, Robbie isn’t a hacker?” Gailo asks.
“What was that?” Van asks.
“I am.” Robbie says.
“You’re really not. Robbie surveils and when necessary builds things that aren’t there. Covers our tracks and does minor modifications. I’m the one who breaks through firewalls and solves encryptions.”
Van grunts loudly. “I think I just fell asleep.”
“I agree, no one cares whose dick is bigger. You both failed me. Someone start digging.” Robbie has already started typing.
“Great, they got their scolding, why am I here?” Gailo asks. Van grunts on his line.
“I need to get her back.”
“She’s asleep in your house right now.” Zander says.
I lose my withering patience. “Don’t fucking watch her sleep, Zander! Seriously!?” He hits a few buttons and puts his hands up.
“She’s here, but she’s not…here. She shouldn’t be in that room. She should be in my room. Our room. We only have a week left until she expects a public scandal to break. I’ve got seven days to convince her. Fuck, I sound like a bad romcom.”
Gailo laughs. “You do and I’m loving it.”
Van grits out through his teeth, “Love that.” All of us side-eye each other because…what the hell is he actually doing?
“Okay, got an export for you. Where do you want to start?” Robbie says.
I think. “I guess her coffee order? What should I make her in the mornings.”
“Tea.”
