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His lips purse, and I can feel his anger, but it’s not directed at me like I expected. “You didn’t mean to hurt her. You need to forgive yourself.”
“It’s not that easy. I used her.” God, did I use her. I was so damn afraid when we broke up that people would find out. Thought about dating another girl right after, I’m ashamed to say, because I was that desperate to hide what had suddenly become my reality.
I was pretty damn certain after that, that I was gay. Even if I couldn’t say it or even think about it, there was no denying it for me after that.
“I’m so damn sorry,” I say finally, and Adam’s big arms wrap around me in a tight hug I lean into.
He should push me away. He should hate me.
But he doesn’t do that.
No. My best friend just hangs onto me and lets me give him all my pain in that moment because that’s just who he is.
And selfishly, even though I know I don’t deserve it, I let myself take it.
NINE
ADAM
Zach is gay. And I had no idea. None.
I don’t really think about sexuality much. Not even after my brother came out, but he had a girlfriend. To think it was just a desperate ploy to make people, including me,thinkhe was straight—to hide his true self—and he didn’t think he could tell me...
God, that kills me.
I feel like I failed him in every single way.
He fell asleep, resting his head on my shoulder a little bit ago, but I’m too wired to sleep. I don’t give a fuck if he’s gay or bisexual or anything else. He’s my best friend. That’s all that matters.
But I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me about this. Except, maybe I sort of do. It’s not like I’m totally innocent. He doesn’t know every single thing about me. Most things, yes, but I’ve been keeping a secret too.
But not because I don’t trust him.
I rub at the spot on my chest over my heart because, goddamn, that hurts. Zach didn’t trust me.
“Hey.” His voice is soft, and his body feels warm pressed up against my side. I look at him, noticing how green his eyes look with the moonlight behind him through the window. “Do you want me to leave?”
“What?” He starts to move out of my hold, but I squeeze his body, not letting him go. “Why would I want that?”
He looks tired, groggy from sleep, but tired in other ways too. My arms stay around him as we remain leaned back against my headboard, his body against mine. It feels safe in a way I can’t really explain in any other way. “Because...”—he clears his throat, his eyes red-rimmed and shiny—“of what I told you.”
“That you’re gay,” I state because I want him to say it. I don’t want him to be ashamed of who he is.
He nods, though, not saying the words. “That.”
“Notthat,” I say firmly and use my free hand to tilt his chin, forcing him to look into my eyes. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Adam...” He tries to leave me again, but I hold firm. I drop my hand from his chin and wrap my other arm around him.
“Nothing. You don’t have to hide from me, Zachary. You never did. I’m sorry you thought you had to. But you don’t.”
“Adam... we’re...”
“Best friends,” I finish for him. “For life. And you can tell me anything.” I hold onto him, not letting him go, but he’s not fighting me.
His body relaxes against mine, his shoulders slumping. “You really aren’t mad at me?”
“For being gay?” I nearly laugh at that, but I know this town. I know it’s not easy to come out in this town. That there would be stupid dickheads who would be angry over something like that. Over who other people are attracted to.
