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Drawing a deep breath, I exhale slowly, summoning the disgust I feel at my next words. “He soon learned that he had three little assets just waiting to be handed over for favors owed or to look the other way. Even so that he had more time to pay up on loans.”
Forcing my gaze back to hers, I swallow.
She frowns, unclear on what I mean. I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to spell it out, but she is so innocent, the thought wouldn’t even cross her mind unless she was led directly there.
“He pimped us out for sexual favors.”
The blood drains from her face, and her lower lip trembles. “As children?”
“Early teens, but, yeah. Same difference, I guess.”
“Fuck, Ciarán.” Her hand goes to her mouth, and she lets out a sob that she tries to hold back. “I knew it had to be bad because of the way you see sex and power as one and the same, but I didn’t think...”
Glaring at her, I try to soften the hard gaze penetrating her summer sky eyes. “What do you mean?” I grit out.
“I told you I see your pain, but it’s more than that. The night you claimed me, I knew things ran deep and painful into your soul. I’m so sorry, Ciarán. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just...”
“No,” I say, grabbing her hand as she pulls back into herself.
Sitting down again and bringing her with me, I kiss her fingers. “You didn’t upset me. I guess I’m just surprised that you figured shit out about me that no one else ever has.”
“You bled into my soul that night,” she whispers. “I made it my mission to save you. That’s so dumb.”
“Fuck, Summer. You are the sweetest thing. You have suffered yourself, and you want to save me. I’m beyond saving, Tinks.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“There is nothing good left in me.”
“There is. You have forced it down, but the way you care about me, your words earlier. Those are the actions of a good man, deep down.”
Grunting, I smile. “Very deep down.”
She giggles. “Maybe. Thank you for telling me this. It helps me understand you and Thal more.”
“You know, after everything that happened with our father, I felt completely disconnected from the world,” I confess, staring into her eyes as I search for any hint of judgment.
“Disconnected?” she asks softly, her expression filled with genuine concern and curiosity.
I nod, struggling to find the right words. “It was like... I was trapped in a glass box, watching everyone else live their lives while I stood still. The abuse left me unable to trust others and unable to form real relationships. I pushed people away, preferring the solitude of my darkness.”
Summer’s eyes fill with a deep understanding as if she can feel the weight of my pain simply through my words. “Ciarán, that sounds so incredibly lonely,” she murmurs, her voice cracking with emotion.
“It was,” I admit, my voice wavering. “I thought maybe, if I embraced the darkness, took control of it, the pain would go away. I thought I could find solace in the power and control that came with leading the gang.”
A flicker of sadness crosses Summer’s face as she squeezes my hand, her warmth seeping through my skin and into my frigid heart. “Did it work? Did the darkness help?”
I shake my head, bitter laughter bubbling up from my chest as I recall the endless cycle of brutality and despair that followed. “No. It only made things worse. Instead of finding peace, I became consumed by the same violence and hatred that had destroyed my childhood.”
“God, Ciarán, I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through,” Summer says, her voice thick with empathy. “But you’re not alone anymore. You don’t have to carry this burden by yourself.”
Her words send a tremor through me, both terrifying and comforting in their sincerity. For the first time in my life, I feel seen – truly seen – by someone who isn’t afraid of the darkness lurking.
“Thank you, Summer,” I manage to choke out, my throat tight with emotions long suppressed.
She rises again and takes my hand, pulling me up. She wraps her arms around me and sinks into my embrace as I hold her back just as tightly. Kissing the top of her head, I sigh softly, knowing I’ve found my safe space with her.
“I need you,” I murmur.
