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I usually sleep in boxer shorts, and tonight is no exception. Morgana has her privacy. I'm not making any more concessions.
I've never known real peace at night. If I felt inclined to self-analyze, I'd say it's because I never feel safe, and part of me still thinks nighttime is when the monsters come out.
My father used to laugh at me when I was afraid as a kid. He told me tobethe monster. Bring the fear, not sit around waiting for it to find me. But when I slept, I saw his face.
Papa would go out until late and raise all kinds of hell. I remember his men bringing him home, bleeding and raging after getting in someone's face. Things are more stable now. No one has brought a fight to the family in years. But David was right. I may have poked a bear in my haste to ensure Morgana was safe. That's the last thing we need as I take my rightful place as our leader.
My father beat me black and blue in the name of discipline, and I learned the lesson well. If I turn out to be a strong pakhan, all that suffering won't have been in vain. Maybe Papa will still be proud of me yet.
Everything I want is within reach. Icannotlet a woman distract me.
A noise from the bedroom breaks my train of thought. A muffled cry, quiet at first, then louder. I open the bedroom door.
Morgana is asleep, wearing the same clothes as earlier. I never gave her a chance to get something to wear to bed.
Suddenly, she raises her arm and swats at the air, rolling onto her back. She throws her body so forcefully that she almost falls off the bed.
"No, don't!" she cries. "Stop it!"
Who is she dreaming about?I'm already thinking of all the ways I'll make them suffer, whoever they are. What thefuckdid they do to her?
"Morgana," I say, sitting on the bed beside her. "Wake up,lisichka. You're safe. It's just a nightmare."
Morgana's mouth is open, her face frozen in fear. I grab both shoulders and lean over her, jostling her harder.
"Morgana!" I pull her upright. "Wake up!"
Her eyes fly open, but she's not looking at me. She scans around, searching for unseen demons. I let go of her and click my fingers in her eye line.
"Here. Focus."
Her eyes meet mine, and she slaps me with such force that I almost fall off the bed.
"Jesus fuckingChrist!" I catch her wrist as she pulls back to hit me again. "Enough, dammit!"
My ear is ringing. Morgana whispers some jumbled words, but I can't hear her properly. She's shaking, her skin coated in a sheen of perspiration, and she collapses onto my chest.
I wrap my arms around her and pull her onto my lap. She rests her cheek on my heart and locks her feet at the small of my back, whimpering quietly. I drag the duvet over and wrap it around her, trying to warm her up.
Incredibly, she's still asleep, but she's clinging to me like a baby monkey, and I feel like I've seriously overstepped.
For all I know, it'smewho haunts her nightmares tonight.
I reach for her hands and try to pull them away from my neck, but she tightens her grip. God knows why I can't bring myself to shove her off me, but I can't sit cross-legged all night, either. I'm forty-five. I'll be crippled by morning.
I maneuver until I can lower us both onto our sides. She relaxes a little as her body sinks into the mattress, and I pull the duvet under her chin.
What am I doing?The sooner I can sneak away, the better.
* * *
I fumble at my watch, trying to shut off the alarm. Light is streaming in from the lounge.
Wait a minute. Did Isleep?
I rub my eyes and recheck the time.Yep. It's six-thirty a.m. I lay beside Morgana, closed my eyes, and got seven-and-a-half hours of rest. The last time I slept that long was after Lilyana's accident when I went through my Valium phase.
Morgana is still out for the count. I watch her body move with each breath.
