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"They are already seated and waiting, Lennox."
I nod. Ok. I guess there is no delaying the inevitable.
I follow Eric out of the room towards the board room for a meeting that is about to change my entire future.
With every step I take the worry grows thicker. If they revoke my license, I won't be able to work. If I can't work, how can I give Emma the future she really deserves. I have a baby coming. I can't lose my ability to practice now. I need to be working.
"Lennox?" Eric's voice pulls me from my thoughts. He is holding the door to the boardroom open. I don't even remember walking here as I was so lost in my own head.
"Thanks," I say numbly, stepping inside the room. I look up to see the entire hospital board present for the meeting and my stomach churns.
Two hours later I step out of the board room.
Suspended pending a medical assessment to determine my fitness to be a surgeon.
I am furious. Worried. Scared.
I feel angry, but the person I am most angry at is myself.
How did I really, honestly think I could hide amnesia from the hospital board? It was going to come out eventually and I should've been more prepared. There are always consequences.
I pack my things in a box and lock my office door behind me. I do not know when I will be allowed back into the hospital; the idea is daunting and stressful.
Walking through the corridors I feel like everyone is staring at me, but there is no way that they could all already know?
Emma spots me and rushes over.
"What's going on? Why didn't you do the surgery?"
Her face is traced with concern as she eyes the box in my hands.
"They called me into a meeting. They know about the accident and what happened."
I can't bring myself to say more in case someone hears. I am embarrassed.
She squeezes my arm. "I'm almost done with my shift. We can talk at home." She says quietly, her eyes filled with worry for me.
I drive home slowly. not wanting to get there and sit in an empty apartment alone with my worries.
When I finally get home, I start cleaning and reorganizing things. I find that I can't sit still, because I immediately feel a sense of depression creeping in. So, I unpack the kitchen cupboards, wipe them down and repack them. Then I start on the pantry. By the time Emma gets home, I am a couple of hours into the cleaning and sorting, and she walks in to find a fresh kitchen and dinner is already made. She eyes me, concerned.
"Since when do you clean?"
"I can't sit still," I say as though it explains everything.
She gently takes my hand and leads me to the living room. She pushes me onto the couch, and I realize it's the first time I have sat down since I got home.
I sigh and she takes a seat next to me, wrapping her fingers in mine.
"What happened, Lennox?"
I shake my head, not knowing where to start.
She talks again. "I heard about the patient who ended up in the emergency ward, because of the meds."
She says it gently with no tone of accusation, only concern for me. Do I deserve her concern? I messed up badly with that and the patient suffered for it.
"I do not even know how I did that. How did I not see the warning on her chart? I've never done that before. I'm usually so aware and focused on my patients. I think it is just - everything - all at once."
