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I knew about sharing magic when performing powerful spells, but I hadn’t realised that you could simply take power from another to make it more controllable. It certainly would have been easier for me when I first arrived and was unable to control my magic.
Looking at my expression and seeing far too much, he purses his lips and nods. “We only do it in emergency circumstances or to control prisoners with unusually strong magic. It’s lazy, addictive, and doesn’t fix the issue. Ultimately, he has to learn to control his magic.”
While this makes sense, Nicolai doesn’t take the news well, his eyes widening as he realises that Atlas is going to say no.
“But I don’t want it!” Throwing his hands up in the air, Nicolai looks between us before pacing the length of the room, looking like an animal in a cage. “I never asked for this. When I gave up my wolf, I was fine being a normal human. I’d accepted that. Sure, I miss my wolf like crazy, but I never wanted to become awitch.”
He’s spiralling, and you don’t have to share a connection with him to see that. Atlas gives me a pointed glance, and I know I have to make Nicolai see sense.
“Nicolai, you need to learn to control this magic, or it will consume you.” I’ve gone through this myself and remember how out of control I felt until I mastered the basics of handling my magic. Once I had it, it just sat in the back of my mind, only coming forward when I wanted to use it or when I needed protection, like in the cavern. I’ve been told plenty of horror stories by Luna and Madame Constance about what happens to someone when they lose control of their magic, and I won’t let that happen to Nicolai.
Anger, frustration, and hopelessness filter through the bond as he continues to pace, not meeting our eyes, his hands moving in constant jerking motions as if he can’t keep them still. “Maybe that’s what should happen.”
I freeze, my body going cold, and I’m unable to move as if Atlas used his magic on me. I’m sure I didn’t understand Nicolai properly, because it almost sounds like he wants to lose control, meaning he would…die.He would die.
“What?” Finally regaining some function in my limbs, I take a step forward, my voice shaky with disbelief. “What are you saying?”
Even Atlas seems surprised by the comment, his frustration at the other male disappearing as he realises just how close to the edge Nicolai is.
Nicolai’s agitated energy runs out as he stumbles to a stop, his head and shoulders drooping as if he’s carrying the weight of the world. When he looks up at me, his expression is full of despair, shame, and self-hatred.
“I’m saying that maybe I should just let it consume me.” Now that he’s started speaking about those dark, hateful thoughts, it’s like he can’t stop, each word coming out faster than the one before until they all rush together. “Magic is destroying me, I’m no longer the pack protector I was, and I have no purpose. I was supposed to die anyway, so why not just let it take me?”
My heart is breaking, feeling as though it’s tearing itself apart in my chest. Each breath suddenly becomes difficult, and nausea churns in my gut. I’m going to be sick. This can’t be happening. I was so hopeful of our life together only minutes ago, and now I’m having to contemplate a life without my mate, my Nicolai. The urge to hold him, to show him how loved he is, becomes an order in my mind, and as my eyes sting, I don’t stop the tears from rolling down my face.
“Nicolai…” I take another step forward, my legs feeling weak. “I love you. You’ve always been there for me, both as a pack protector and a friend. When you died—” My voice cracks, and I have to press my hand to my chest as the memory causes physical pain, momentarily taking my breath away.
My instincts are to push my feelings down and not let him see how upset I am, but this time, I ignore that instinct. The habit of suppressing my strong feelings may protect me in certain circumstances, but now, Nicolai needs to see it, to witness just a fraction of the pain I feel at even the idea of losing him again.
Meeting his distressed gaze, I force myself to take that final step until I stand right in front of him. “It felt like I’d lost a part of my soul. Ineedyou.” Taking his hands gently in mine, I hope that he can feel how earnest and honest I’m being. My feelings go far deeper than I’m able to vocalise, so I push them down the bond. “This magic wasn’t what you asked for, but perhaps it’s a blessing from the goddess. There is so much you can do with your power, so many good uses for it. You just need to learn to control it.” My voice becomes a little stronger as I speak despite the tears that still roll down my cheeks.
“Madame Constance has been teaching me, and she’ll help you too,” I insist, nodding my head rapidly as panic that I’m not doing enough to convince Nicolai washes through me like a tsunami.
Nicolai’s expression cracks, and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me against him. “Shh, it’s okay. Please don’t cry, Laelia.” He kisses the top of my head while I cry against his chest, my hands gripping his shirt like a lifeline.
I’m the one who’s supposed to be supporting him, yet here he is, holding me together.You’re showing him that he’s needed, that hedoeshave a purpose,the small voice in the back of my mind points out, and I realise it’s right. It might not be as obvious as what he’s doing to help me, but we are each other’s anchor, keeping us close when we go adrift.
“I can’t lose you again.”
While my words are murmured and muted against his chest, he still hears me and rubs my back as he comforts me. “Shh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m not going anywhere.”
Remorse and shame colour his voice, and I make an effort to calm myself so I can see his expression. Frowning at what I see, I take a deep breath and rest my hands against his chest. “I don’t want you to feel guilty, Nicolai. It’s normal to feel the way you do after what you’ve been through. I can’t even imagine what it’s like, but this world is a better place with you here. Magic or not.”
I watch as he swallows against a lump in his throat, his expression still unsure. It’s only as Atlas steps closer that I remember the other male is still here.
“She’s right,” he begins, placing a hand on his shoulder. “What they did to you was cruel and wrong, but you survived. You also did something they never expected, you stole their magic and made it your own. You could be a force to be reckoned with.”
Atlas is talking about the torture his abductors used to bring him back to life. I don’t know the details, and I don’t want to, because I already feel sick from the small amount I’ve been told. Despite what the witches believe, it was the goddess who brought him back to us, and I truly believe that she’s the one who gifted him with magic.
“Your entire world has changed, and now you have magic to contend with too,” Atlas continues, the two males locked in an intense stare. “Even witches struggle to adjust, and we’re brought up knowing we’ll have magic.”
This seems to impact Nicolai. He slowly nods, some of the hopelessness leaving him. Standing straighter, he looks more confident. I’m not done, though, because the panic from thinking I might lose him is still clawing at my chest.
“Nicolai, If you feel this way again, please, come find me,” I plead, waiting for him to look at me before I continue, a small smile flickering on my lips. “I’ll remind you of all the ways we need you here.”
Lowering his head, he presses his forehead to mine. “Okay, I promise.”
We stand this way for a few minutes in silence, simply holding each other and soaking up the mix of intense emotions until just our love for each other remains. Atlas stays quiet and steps back to give us some space during this time, which I appreciate.
