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That took the sniffles right out of me. “Why would I walk away?”
“Because very few people in supernatural society are likely to welcome us given our history,” Noctus plainly said.
“The transition might be messy, and I think initially it could get ugly. But eventually I think it’ll even out.” I tried to discreetly rub my nose as I considered the problem. “Supernaturals are obsessed with power. They’ll respect you because of what you can do, or they’ll realize—like the Paragon—that there’s a lot more to be gained by being on friendly terms,” I concluded.
“We can hope,” Noctus said in a voice that meant he didn’t share my optimism. “But it likely won’t improve for years, and I don’t want to drag you down with us.” He hesitated, and while I was still leaned against him, close to him, I felt a distance open up between us. “Additionally, as part of going forward there are sure to be things about me revealed to the public that you might not…appreciate.”
He's bracing himself for rejection, I realized when his arm slid off my back.
“I assume you’re talking about killing your family?” I asked.
Noctus didn’t respond.
I peeled myself off his chest so I could look him in the eyes, then took his right hand, squeezing it so he would look at me. “I know you call yourself the kingslayer,” I said. “And I know the death of your family is the reason why supernaturals won the war.”
“Yes, I slaughtered them,” Noctus said. “But that is not the full sordid tale, and you deserve to know it all before making any kind of commitment.”
I studied Noctus, taking in the tiny movements he made: the hardening of his jaw and the resignation in his hazel eyes.
This is going to be hard for him. And something tells me that maybe it’s not the right move for right now.
We were finally together after months apart, and Noctus was making a huge sacrifice as part of our relationship. Was it emotionally healthy to hash this outright now?
I know roughly what happened, and from my weeks spent as Ama I’m aware Noctus works as if it’s his reason for living—not because he likes it, but because it’s his atonement.
Now—knowing Noctus, even knowing the elves of Calor Villa—I already knew there was nothing Noctus could tell me about the issue that would make me feel differently about him. And between the death of the tracker and the need to make plans for the elves, there was already a lot going on.
I wanted us to be supportive, not to feel like there were certain hoops we had to jump through in order for us to be “solid”. I’d experienced enough of that from the Curia Cloisters.
Besides, there are things I need to tell him—like the fact that Ms. Booker knows about him. It doesn’t matter so much now that the elves are going forward, but I should still tell him. But I refuse to use now—the first moments we’re finally alone together—like we’re representatives meeting to strike a bargain.
“I do want to hear about it,” I said, slowly, trying to follow my gut instinct. “But…I think that’s something that can wait.”
Noctus didn’t even hesitate. “It might make you think differently of me.”
“Except it won’t.” I relaxed, already feeling more confident with my decision.
“It’s what Aristide has informed me is called a giant red flag.”
I pulled on his hand to get his attention and make sure he was looking me in the eye. “Noctus, I might not know your centuries-ago past, but I know who you are right now. That’s who I want my relationship to be with. Wefinallyare together again. For right now, that’s more than enough.”
Noctus’s eyes didn’t narrow per se, but the intensity in them kicked up a notch. “Are you certain?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Truly?”
“I want you to tell me when the time is right,” I said. “And I know that time is not right now. Besides. There’s some stuff I need to tell you, too.”
“Understood.”
Sitting as close to him as I was, I felt Noctus’s entire body relax.
“You really are my Amalourne,” he said, his voice a velvety caress.
I was going to finally ask what Amalourne meant—everyone who knew elvish always reacted weirdly whenever Noctus said my nickname—but I didn’t even get a chance to open my mouth before I was dumbstruck by my own shyness.
Noctus’s hand grazed my side as he wrapped an arm around me again. “So, you say it is not the time to air dirty laundry—a thought I am both thankful for, and grieved by.”
