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“Both.”
Surprise filled me at his response. It certainly wasn’t the one I was expecting. I’d thought he would have a much more flippant reply about what had attracted him. I wished more than anything he had. The truth was it was even worse.
“What’s wrong?” Noah asked.
“I know your reason is supposed to make me feel better about myself, but it doesn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t understand your mindset. I can’t comprehend putting anything above the person I care about.”
“I don’t know any other way to feel. Practically from the time I was in diapers, my entire life has revolved around swimming. If I want to make the Olympic team again, I have to put it first by continuing to rigorously train.”
“I understand having immense passion for what you do, but I can’t imagine putting it before the people in your life.” I swallowed hard. “The one person you care about most of all.” While I’d wanted to say love, I knew it was far too early to be mentioning it even though I was pretty sure I’d fallen for him.
Noah’s brows furrowed. “What about your dad? Surely, there’s been times when he had to put the band first over your mom.”
I shook my head. “Not since he got with my mom. He knew to be with her, that she had to come first along with his kids.”
“That’s not entirely true, is it? I mean, your mom obviously had to live on a tour bus most of the year to ensure they were together. That alone makes it sound like she sacrificed more than he did.”
“Sure, she made sacrifices, but at the end of the day, she knew without a doubt that if she said it’s me and the kids or the band, it would’ve been her.”
“But it never came down to that, did it?” Noah challenged.
“No, it didn’t because Dad knew how much she’d given up for him: her career as a nurse, what she pictured her life looking like. He worked overtime to make sure Mom knew where she ranked in his life.”
“I wish I could say I’d be the same way.”
“But you can’t.”
He grimaced. “I don’t know. This is all so new.”
“I understand.” As crazy as it sounded, I did understand. It was one thing for him to embrace monogamy to become a reformed manwhore. It was quite another to give up on what had been the sole focus of his existence. And I wasn’t sure I was worth that. Not to someone like Noah, with so much capacity to excel in his sport.
“Fuck me.” Noah then jerked a hand through his hair. “It feels like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff about to be pushed off the side by feelings I’d never expected to have for a girl I’m just getting to know.”
“I’m sorry. I truly am. And I know it’s way too soon to be making any kind of claims of you. These past ten days were just seeing where the two of us together could go, not mapping a real future together.”
Shaking his head, Noah replied, “I know how I feel about you, Gaby. I wasn’t ready to let you go after our first night together, and I’m still not ready.”
“And I don’t want to let you go either. But just like that day in your hotel room, I know myself and what I can take in a relationship.” I exhaled a ragged breath. “Maybe it’s better this came out now,” I murmured.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It will make it easier for you to leave tomorrow.”
Noah’s expression darkened. “Don’t think like that.”
“How else can I? We’re at an impasse—you can’t put anyone above your swimming, and I can’t date someone who couldn’t put me and our relationship first. Where does that leave us?”
He winced as if in pain. “I don’t know.”
“Me either.”
The song ended and switched over to a fast one. I didn’t want to let him go, but I did. While Noah started back to the table, I didn’t think I could bear sitting back down with the others and pretending like everything was okay. It sure as hell wasn’t okay. One sentence had pierced the perfect image of the last ten days. I’d allowed my better judgement to be skewed.
Realizing I was no longer beside him, Noah whirled around to stare quizzically at me. Trying to put on a brave face, I jerked my thumb at the door. “I think I’m going to get to some air.”
