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My body is tense for multiple reasons.
The first one being my conversation with Xavier.
The second is I haven’t talked to Ale about not telling me about León’s wedding.
Ale notices immediately and pulls back from our embrace.
Our conversation continues in Spanish.
“What’s wrong?”
“Sorry, I was just talking to—” I turn around to where Xavier was previously standing, but he’s no longer there.
He left.
“Oh, that.” Ale’s expression is assuming.
“It’s just, I feel defeated.” My hand drops to my side as I feel overcome with loss.
It’s true; every aspect of my life is in question.
“Don’t say that. You lost, so what? I’ve lost many times when I felt like I should win. But I didn’t and I couldn’t change that. You can, going forward.” Her words are meticulous and sure. Ale has always been encouraging, just like I’ve been with her our whole lives.
“There’s a lot of crap going on and my psyche feels like it’s in shambles,” I let out.
“Okay.” She nods and grabs my wrist, pulling me into the room Xavier and Sofia were previously arguing in, which is now empty. My best friend closes the door behind her, then motions me to sit.
So I do.
“The only way you’ll be able to get these thoughts out of your head is if you let it all out. Expel it from your body and direct it toward me.” Ale’s hands motion toward her as she tries to be encouraging.
“Well, something has been on my mind about you.”
Ale cocks her head in question. “Tell me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about León’s wedding?”
Ale becomes still, and her face morphs into worry. “You found out about that?”
“Yea, León gave me the keys to the house in Aca. He introduced Amelie as his wife.” Tears threaten to leave my eyes. I have cried in front of Ale many times.
I already had to hold back my sobs on the court and it was torture.
So I let my tears fall even if my brain is telling me to stop.
“I didn’t tell you because León didn’t want you to know. At the time of the wedding, we were going through some shit. I thought he betrayed me in every sense of the word until I actually found out his truth. After everything he’s been through, I had to give him that one night.” She sighs in frustration as compassion fills her gaze. “How could I tell my best friend that the man she’s loved for years is marrying a girl after only knowing her for barely two years? I didn’t want you to be there because León is an asshole for what he’s done to you. That is not a question; it’s a fact. My words are not to get under your skin, but you know how he is. He’s guarded and jaded in so many ways. His past, God, Vio, it broke me. He told me for the longest time he didn’t want a relationship, but then he found someone who has just as much baggage and pain as he does. To have seen your pain on a night like that one. Not only would it have been agonizing, but it would have ruined it for him. His wedding night was the only time I’ve ever truly seen him happy.” She looks away from me.
“Even after all these years, I would have liked to at least see him get married. You might be shocked by this, but I would have been happy for him. Yes, I most likely would feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I mean, who wouldn’t? For years, I wanted to be with him. It only took him two years to marry someone after meeting them for the first time. Of course that makes me feel inadequate. But at the same time, I know he deserves to be happy, even if I’m not in the equation. Because that’s the type of love I give; it’s selfless.” My hand moves through my hair. “I would give him that day and more, even if I had to go through pain in order to watch him finally be happy,” I respond, my words coming out quickly and with so much passion.
I’m sobbing.
“Oh, Vio.” Ale pulls me into her arms.
“I feel like I’m drowning. It’s as if I’m never good enough for anything I want. First, it’s tennis, then León, and now Xavier. Why can’t I be good enough for a sport and people I have wholeheartedly tried to love?”
“Xavier?” Ale pulls back from our embrace and quirks an eyebrow. The same look she gave me almost an hour ago during my match.
Tears are still running down my cheeks with no end. “Yes, Xavier,” I tell her in a whisper, but my tone has so much emotion.
