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He shook beneath her hand. She had to tug him forward to get him to move.
As he stumbled inside, the clang of his armor summoned the dogs. Cleo and Monty raced across the wood floor and flung themselves at him. The momentum sent him crashing to the floor.
Allison laughed for what felt like the first time in a week, and an ache followed in its wake, settling in her insides. She missed how much Colin made her laugh. How much they laughedtogether.
“This was not your brightest idea,” she said as she knelt beside him. With a lot of tugging and noise that drove the dogs batty enough for Allison to lock them away, they freed his legs from the armor.
“Possibly not.” His voice echoed in the helmet as they both wrestled it off his head.
Allison cradled it in her lap.
“I shouldn’t have used a topic so close to yours.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about Charlie?”
They spoke at the same time, their words tumbling over each other’s. With a shy laugh, each encouraged the other to go first. It took them a second to find a rhythm.
Allison moved the helmet’s faceguard up and down, the steel whispering with each movement. “Mandy told me about Charlie. I could have helped. I could have been there for you.”
Colin’s hair, sans gel, flopped over his forehead as he rubbed at his temples. “You know how you handle stress by planning and overplanning and planning more for all those plans?”
“Yes.” Except, she’d planned in five hundred different ways for this moment. Made countless WCS lists. Not one had accounted for Colin showing up in a suit of armor quoting Chaucer.
“I handle stress by shutting down. I don’t deal with things. I get myopic and focus on one thing and ignore everything else. And I let that one thing be that fucking lecture. And I spiraled and spiraled about it until I was sure my topic was garbage and I would never get the advisee spot or the research trip and Charlie would die before I had anything to show him that would make him proud.”
He was talking fast and breathing faster, as if he was seconds from hyperventilating. One of his hands was braced to the wood floor, and she laid her fingers gently over it. “Hey,” she whispered.
He didn’t move. His eyes dropped to their hands like the sight of their skin meeting was something sacred and rare. “I swear I didn’t steal your ideas. And I gave you credit for the title. You always talked so eloquently about how women are represented in romance that it was clear your idea was more compelling. It inspired me. I wanted to add to it. But it still wasn’t mine.” He shook his head, his hair falling over his glasses. “I didn’t even do it justice. I slapped that whole thing together at three in the morning on Thursday. I should have given my own. It would have been better.”
Allison gripped his fingers. “Colin. You’re every bit as smart as me. And a hundred times more charismatic.” She sighed. “It’s my fault you don’t feel that way.”
“Of course it’s not.”
“I kept competing with you. Trying to show I was better, since I felt so shitty as a teacher.” She dropped her head into her free hand,trying to ignore the circles Colin’s thumb was feathering across her wrist. Her skin set aflame like she was a stick and his hands the flint. “And then I didn’t give you the space to tell me what had happened and immediately assumed the worst of you.”
“You know Jane didn’t get me into Claymore, right?” He tightened his jaw, clearly afraid of the answer.
“I know. I think I just wanted something to make myself feel better. Like the idea that you didn’t get in on your own somehow made what I thought you’d done more predictable. I felt so duped.”
He shimmied straighter, the loose pauldron thundering against his chest plate. “I haven’t exactly had the best track record with us. I don’t blame you for your assumptions.”
“They were still awful. And now Wendy said you’re leaving? Is it because she chose me?”
His smile was as broken as his armor. “Of course not.”
“But you wanted this.”
When his eyes found hers, they were glassy. “I don’t think I actually did.” He clutched her hand to the chest piece. Allison didn’t pull away. Part of her wished he’d bring it to his lips. As if that simple gesture might fix things. “I chose medieval lit because of Charlie. And because of you. I wanted to feel close to the people who meant something to me. I wanted him to be proud. I wanted you to think I was worthy of you.”
“Colin—”
He shook his head, quieting her. “But I lost me in the process. I think stepping away while I take care of him will help me to find that again.”
Without meaning to, Allison shifted closer, so her knee met Colin’s hip. Her elbow kissed his. He was forever a magnet pulling her to him, her gravity endlessly caught in his orbit.
“I want to be there every minute he has left. That’s my focus for now.” A tear slipped down his freckled cheek.
Allison caught it with a knuckle. “It sounds like you’ve got everything figured out.”
