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I can’t bear to face anyone, not yet, not until I’ve figured out what I’m going to do or say. And then there’s CJ. My head is lightly warning me not to tell him; he has enough going on in his life right now and putting this on his shoulders might be too much for him. But my heart is telling me I should just speak to him. He deserves to know.
But at what cost?
I can’t lose him. He helps me grow as a person. He brings a light into my life that I’ve never known before. Losing him would be like losing half of my soul. I’d never survive.
All I’ve done is cry.
I have a life growing inside me. A life I’m scared I’ll ruin. I’m twenty years old and still in school. The money I earn from the library barely covers essentials. I don’t get any other money—apart from money I get from my father. My father, who is going to kill me when he finds out his only daughter is pregnant.
It’s not like I can keep this from him forever. In no time, I’ll have a bump that I can’t cover or hide.
He’s going to be so disappointed in me. I knew he wanted better for me and having a child this young, wasn’t something he had in mind.
When did my life get so complicated?
A door in my flat bangs open. I hear the thud of it hitting the wall and sit up. I clutch the blanket to my heaving chest, my entire body shaking.
Two seconds later, my door flies open and I gasp, jumping in place as CJ rushes in.
He’s still wearing the clothes I saw him in four days ago. His jaw has days of stubble from where he hasn’t shaved, and his clothes are wrinkled. His looks awful and exhausted.
“CJ?” I call out, panicked something has happened to his mum.
He doesn’t stop until he’s on the bed next to me, pulling my head against his chest. His body is warm, like always, but the feel of his hands in my hair… I can feel that they’re cold.
“Thank fucking Christ, you’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. Thank you, God,” he rants, rocking me back and forth.
I pull my hands from between us and try to push him away, but his hold tightens. “CJ?” I gasp out, struggling a little to breathe he’s holding me that tight.
He pulls back, and my throat tightens as tears fall down his cheeks.
What on earth has happened for him to react like this?
“I’m so sorry. I should be here and not locked away in my room. I thought I’d lost you.”
I cup his cheeks, trying to get him to calm down so I can get some sense out of him. “CJ, what has gotten into you? Is your mum okay?”
He wipes his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Mum’s fine. It’syouI’m worried about. Alex called me a few minutes ago. He said your car has been outside the library for two nights and he can’t get in touch with you.”
“I—”
“I thought the killer got you, Allie. I thought you were taken because of me. I’m so fucking sorry for pushing you away. I’m just scared. I’m scared of losing you. For a split second, my life flashed before my eyes. I can’t live without you—I can’t. I need you. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. You were an unexpected treasure to my life, something I didn’t think I ever wanted but now can’t live without. You can’t leave me. Ever.”
“You need to explain, CJ. You’re scaring me, and you aren’t making sense. Why would you think the killer had taken me?”
He tucks my hair behind my ears, his eyes focusing on mine. “I know you asked Jordan to look into the killer.”
I’m taken aback, startled. Jordan wasn’t meant to tell him I told her. “What? Have you spoken to her?”
Had she told him about the pregnancy test?
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad that you told her. I’m a hacker, remember? I hacked her computer to get the files she had. When I saw what she was looking into, I put two and two together.”
I sag against him, gazing up into his eyes. They seem darker, not the chocolate colour they normally are. I hated keeping it from him, but it was the only way I could help at the time whilst still being able to give him space.
“So, you know about the connection we found—between you and the victims?”
He nods, his eyes dropping. “Yeah, I do.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “That’s why when Alex called, I panicked. I came running straight over here. Low and Cole tried saying something to me last night when they came in, but I ignored them. I was fucking stupid. I’ve been working around the clock trying to find this son-of-a-bitch. I’m so fucking sorry for pushing you away.”
