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I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to utter a word. I didn’t want Hayden to know the real truth behind why I was so upset.
That would require admitting that I loved Kova. I’d never admit that out loud to anyone. Especially not him.
But I did. I loved that stupid fucking Russian so much it hurt me. I loved him when he was already in love with someone else.
This scene is inRelease; however, it was heavily revised to fit the new direction of the plot. It was meant to happen immediately after Hayden left Adrianna’s condo, around the first ten chapters or so. During editing, my editor and I discussed altering the conversation from Adrianna and Hayden to Adrianna and Avery.
Adrianna was confiding too much emotionally in Hayden, and I needed to put a stop to it. He never had her best interest at heart, because Adrianna was never meant to be Hayden’s end game.
With my lips sealed shut, I dropped my gaze to the floor. A moment later the door slammed shut and I winced. Hayden was gone. He was my only real friend here, and we had a fight.
I looked around my condo. All the material items gave the illusion of a perfect, pretty world. But it was staged and so far from the reality of my life. I rubbed my arms, holding myself. My knees were weak. For the first time in my life, the silence was unwelcomed.
A few steps and I was sitting on the couch with tears pouring from my eyes. I covered my face, letting them spill until there was nothing left to give. I cried into my hands, hardly able to catch my breath. I considered making an appointment with a psychologist. I needed to talk to someone who could withhold judgement, but I was afraid to risk it too.
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I could always lie about Kova’s age and who he was, but then I’d have to remember my lies. I didn’t have time for something like that.
Kova had once said writing was therapeutic for him. Perhaps it would be for me too. I was sure I had an extra notebook sitting around. It would be the only way to express myself safely without having to open my mouth. I’d bare my soul on paper that I could easily burn right after if I needed to. No one would ever have to know.
But I knew that wasn’t enough.
What I needed was my Avery. She was the only one I could speak to and be open and honest with. She was my best friend.
Even though I was so upset with her for lying to me about Xavier, I reached for my phone, and with blurry eyes, I found her name and pressed it.
“Adrianna? Is everything okay?”
She didn’t hesitate to pick up on the first ring. At the sound of her hopeful voice, I broke down in shambles and cried even harder. I could hardly catch my breath. Her voice comforted me but also reminded me of how much I missed her.
“Oh my God! Calm down and tell me what happened,” she said, worried. “Talk to me, I’m here.”
I started crying harder while she tried to soothe me. When I finally caught my breath, I spoke.
“I know we’re not seeing eye to eye right now and all—”
“It doesn’t matter. Tell me what’s going on.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, hot tears streamed down my cheeks. Inhaling a deep breath, I opened up and told her about the night before with Kova, how he made love to me while saying he was sorry. I told her what happened today and why I was breaking down.
“I’m gonna kill that motherfucker,” she said.
“Kova…” I swallowed hard and hiccupped. “He was… I never thought I would fall for him the way I did. I never thought any of this would happen.” I stared at the blank wall in a daze, my tears like waterfalls streaming down my face. “I don’t understand how he could marry her after everything he did… after being with me. Avery, last night… it was unlike any other time we’d been together. Last night he acted like he loved me. He worshipped me in the most loving yet heartbreaking way. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to us?” I questioned, more to myself than to Avery.
“Don’t get mad at me, but what did you expect to come from your relationship with him? That you guys would end up together?”
I winced. “I have no idea. I didn’t expect him to marry someone else while we’re still very much together, that’s for sure. If you knew him the way I do, you’d understand why I’m so devastated over it. Kova’s different with me. He doesn’t love Katja, I know he doesn’t, Ave. I’ve only ever seen them fight and argue.”
Avery hesitated for a moment. Her voice softened. “He has to love her, even a little bit to marry her. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but there’s no way he can’t not love her after being with her for so many years. He has to love her, even just a little.”
Another tear slipped down my cheek. I nodded, chewing my lip raw. She was right. I was lying to myself. Of course, Kova had to love Katja.
Expelling a heavy breath, I said, “God, how could I be so stupid?”
“You’re not stupid. Love makes people do really stupid things. Take it from me.”
I huffed out a sad laugh under my breath. “I never saw it coming. I feel like I should have. Otherwise, it makes me really naïve.”
“I think it’s because he wanted it that way.” Her honesty was something I valued about her. Even if I didn’t like it. “He wanted both of you and didn’t know how to turn one off without hurting the other. At least that’s what I hope.”
