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My chest burned with hurt. He knew exactly what he had been doing and kept going. I glanced down at the couch and stared, my voice small. “Why would he want it that way? It’s so heartless. He had to know it would hurt me.”
“Honestly, that’s something you’d have to ask him. He should have told you ahead of time so you didn’t find out like this.”
I nodded as if she were sitting in front of me. “I wonder if that’s why he came over last night. Maybe he was going to tell me and then felt bad.”
“So he decided sex was the next best thing? I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me. I’m just angry on your behalf and want to cut his fucking head off for doing this to you.”
I clenched my eyes shut and curled into the couch, tucking my knees under me. “Ave, if you saw his face in the gym when I found out he’s actually married, there’s no way he wanted to hurt me. If you saw what he looked like…” I took a breath. “There’s no way he wanted to hurt me. I just can’t accept that.”
“Do you think it could’ve all been an act?”
I was quiet for a moment. “I pray it wasn’t. That would be so cruel of him.”
“I want to believe there’s more to this and he has a legit reason why he couldn’t be a man and tell you straight up what’s going on.”
I imagined it would be hard. “How am I going to get over him? How am I supposed to just stop loving him?” I asked, my voice so broken.
Avery was quiet for a moment. “When you figure out how to stop loving someone, let me know.”
I closed my eyes. Xavier. Another person who lied to me.
“Please, Adrianna, can I talk to you about what happened? I know it may not be the best time, but you haven’t picked up the phone when I’ve tried calling.”
The guilt. The anguish. My chest was killing me. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I’ll call you when things get better. I can’t even begin to process that right now.” She was quiet and didn’t respond. My voice shook with tears. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset with me. This is just a lot to process as it is. I’m not sure I’m emotionally stable enough to hear about you and my brother. Thanks for picking up, Ave.”
“You’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you.” She sniffled, and I knew she was hiding her dejection. “I love you. I’ll always be here for you,” Avery said quietly, and then hung up before I could say goodbye.
My phone slipped from my hand onto the couch. I stared at it for a long moment, then I blinked and picked it up and threw it across the room.
I racked my mind trying to think of when things changed for me, for Kova and me, but I couldn’t pinpoint an exact time. I had put a man first. Gymnastics had become second. I was upset with myself for allowing that. It didn’t happen all at once but over the course of a year. I’d lost sight of my goal for someone who I hoped would be in my future when I had never been a part of his to begin with.
Between the extra practices, the sleepless nights, the lying and sneaking around with Kova, I’d run myself ragged. I was so, so tired.
I’d been harsh toward Hayden when he didn’t deserve it. I’d called Avery and cried my eyes out to her, but I wouldn’t let her explain what had happened with Xavier. I was alone, rooted on my knees and bent over with my heart pouring into my palms. I had only myself to blame for the emotional mess I’d become.
Something in my gut told me this mess was far from over, and that it was only the beginning. The choices I had made began a series of events that were unraveling all at once with the power to trigger a catastrophic event and the potential to ruin everything. I just wished I knew what.
I was seething inside, my blood boiling to a destructive level.
Glaring at Kova with a rage burning through me, I said, “I want to ruin you. I want to destroy you. I want you to feel a fraction of what you made me feel today.”
I wanted his blood to run the way my heart was bleeding.
“I wish that ring was on your finger.”
I gasped in outrage. “Anotherlie,” I spat back in his face, still straining against him. “I can’t take your lies anymore. You’re starting to sicken me.”
My eyes were huge, the pressure in my chest rising over how easy it was for him to declare such utter bullshit and not give a shit about the delivery or repercussions of his actions.
“You’ve never so much as hinted at anything more between us, and now you’re talking about how you wished the wedding ring was on my finger? What is wrong with you? You may be the biggest liar I’ve ever met.” I chewed him out. “All you’re good for is sex and gymnastics and nothing more.”
The side of his mouth curved. “What else is there to want in our world?” he retorted.
The pungent scent of vodka burned my nostrils. I ground my teeth. This conversation was going nowhere fast. Now I knew he was bullshitting me.
“How much did you drink tonight?”
“Not enough.”
