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“Didn’t you have the parents’ dinner party tonight?”
“Yes,” he said. His hands dragged down my arms and pulled me to him. I wanted to push him away, but I didn’t. His hips rolled into mine and I inhaled near his neck, drawing in his essence deep into my lungs. “I lost count after my fifth glass.”
My heart dropped. Five drinks and he drove?
“Fifth glass of what?” I asked, pulling back.
“Vodka.”
“Vodka straight up?”
He chuckled, and damn it all, it sent a shiver through my body. His eyes were glossy. “If you must know, I drink it chilled, in a glass, about three to four fingers deep. Do not worry your pretty face. That is nothing for me.”
What the hell did three to four fingers deep mean? Like he stuck his fingers inside the glass? It didn’t matter. I wouldn’t be deterred.
“Please, let me try to explain,” he said, his words a little slurred. “I would like to talk about the marriage.”
Talk about an instant pang in my chest. I shook my head, feeling so drained. I didn’t even have it in me to fight him anymore. Kova wasn’t totally drunk, but he wasn’t sober either. I wanted him to explain, but not after the day I had or after he’d been drinking.
“Listen. Today was a long day, and I’d rather be alone. I’ll call you an Uber.”
He pulled back. “What is an Uber?”
“It’s like a cab. A taxi.”
He stared confusingly, his gaze shifting back and forth between mine. “I do not need a random stranger to drive me anywhere. He could be a serial killer.”
I blinked. “You’re so hardheaded.”
“I will leave if you want me to. But I do not want to leave you, I do not want to go home,” he said, his voice somber.
“I want you to leave.” I paused. “Please.”
Quietly, and very much to my surprise, he actually agreed with the slightest dip of his chin. I let out a sigh of reprieve and watched as he pushed back to stand up. Kova’s gaze dragged around the floor as he patted his pockets, unsure. He hadn’t put anything down when he walked in, he was probably just a little too intoxicated to remember.
Kova patted his pockets again, his frown deepening. It killed me to see him like this. I wanted to run over and throw my arms around his shoulders and tell him it would be okay, that we would figure it out. But I wasn’t going to do that.
Kova met my gaze and my lips parted. Each breath I took caused a new level of suffocation as the walls of my lungs shrunk until there was a vice grip on my heart and I was gasping for air. He let go of the shield he was using to disguise himself and let me feel the weight of his emotions. He was undoubtedly suffering just as much as me, which made everything worse because it was the last emotion I ever expected to see from him.
With one last nod, Kova turned around and left.
The rest of the night was a shadow I was struggling to see. All I remember was crying. I cried so much my face was swollen. They say a tragic event could cause memory loss, that our minds are preserved for what we can’t handle. I wouldn’t go that far and say that’s what happened, but after he left, I remembered nothing. It was like my body had shutdown to protect itself.
I woke in a catatonic state, my sheets damp from a cold sweat. I stared up at the ceiling fan and counted the rotations without blinking my eyes for as long as I could. I felt different today. Not a care in the world, nothing that held me down.
My soul was quiet. No obstruction, no disturbance, no complication. My emotions stagnant, like I’d shut a door and they were no longer in my way. I didn’t feel hollow anymore. I was at peace, but I wasn’t. I was here nor there. I was indifferent.
I was a shell of a human, ironed flat and one-dimensional.
I began my usual routine to prepare for the week. Food shopping, meal prep, washed clothes, aimlessly walked around my condo. At one point I found myself sitting on the couch, catching up on homework, studying the periodic table. Chemistry was my favorite subject, but trying to study today proved to be a useless endeavor. I kept reading the same paragraphs, trying to grasp the concept.
I turned the page. Arsenic. That was used to murder cheating husbands. If that didn’t do the job, polonium would definitely work out any kinks. Apparently, it was used to assassinate some important Russian not too long ago. Hmm… I made a mental note of that one. Chemistry was certainly holding my focus now.
Hydrogen had the power to fuel stars; it was also the lightest and most commonly used gas on earth. Plutonium, on the other hand, was deadly and used to destroy things. But it could also be used in a positive way as an energy force in space. It blew my mind that the most dangerous and softest elements could make up the absolute worst compound.
Kind of like me and Kova and how toxic our relationship had become. He was the plutonium to my hydrogen. We’d always had this intense chemical reaction to one another, but once fused together we would not only annihilate ourselves but our surroundings. I slammed my textbook shut and threw my head back against the cushions.
I may be lost to that fire right now, but one day I would eventually be numb to it all.
