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I sniffled and then exhaled, pulling back my emotions. I needed to get my head straight to figure out what the next course of action would be, where I would go from here, what this meant for my future.
I cleared my throat and blinked a few times, trying to stay calm. “What does this mean for me?” I asked, my voice quiet.
“For starters, you’ll need to start dialysis and be placed on a transplant list. That pain you’ve been feeling… The nausea and blood… You have an acute kidney infection and will need to start antibiotics immediately. I’d like to have you admitted to the hospital. Honestly, I don’t know how you’ve made it through the last few days, let alone made it through practice and without any aid. You must’ve been in excruciating pain.”
The pain had been so severe that I thought I was dying.
Maybe I shouldn’t make death jokes.
“A kidney infection? I thought I pulled a muscle or something.”
Dr. DeLang shook her head. She reread the paper in front of her, which I assumed held my test results.
“The infection is causing one of your kidneys to swell, and why I want to have you admitted to the hospital for more in-depth testing. That tells me something more is going on.”
I pulled back, astonished. “I had no idea,” I whispered to myself, my eyes skimming the linoleum. How could I be that sick and not know it? Tears blurred my vision again and I inhaled deeply, trying to hold them in.
“There are a number of things we can do to slow the damage to your kidneys. But unfortunately, there is no cure. You’ll have to live with this for the rest of your life. We will do everything in our power to make sure you’re comfortable and on a good regimen to avoid triggering symptoms.”
“Like the lupus. There’s no reversing that or the kidney disease?” I asked.
Dr. Kozol shook his head.
“I feel like I was just given a death sentence times two.”
He laughed lightly. I may have been a little dramatic. “Not at all. You can live a healthy, full life. I can’t guarantee there won’t be any complications in your future, but at least we can take the necessary precautions to help prevent them or, at the very least, slow them down. The key is to be proactive and in tune with your body. Listen to what your body is telling you. For instance, I suggest resting a few days to allow the infection to leave; otherwise, recovery will take longer and it’ll wear you down more.”
I shot a fleeting glance at Dr. DeLang, who was on the phone with my dad. I sat up straighter. “Rest is not going to happen. I simply don’t have the time.”
Dr. Kozol took his prescription pad out of his lab coat pocket. “I know gymnastics is important to you, but I need you to work with us. There’s only so much we can do, and if you’re not willing to cooperate, your health is going to decline quickly. I’m starting you on an aggressive form of antibiotics and steroids, pain medication, a supplement to treat anemia, and specific vitamins. I’m also putting you on a low-protein diet. I’m prescribing you blood pressure medication as well. In the meantime, I’m going to get with my team to see what the next step will be. We’re going to put a plan together for you.”
My brows shot up. “My blood pressure is high?”
He tore off the paper from the prescription pad and started writing another one. “It’s slightly over normal, so we need to regulate it.” He signed the script. “I know this is a lot to take in, and you’re probably in shock right now and thinking the absolute worst, but kidney disease is completely manageableifyou start treatment now. You’ll need to start dialysis and be placed on a transplant list.” He looked me square in the eyes, his chin dipping lower. “Eventually you will need a transplant, Adrianna. We’ll start with your family to see if there are any matches.”
My eyes widened. I couldn’t hear anything but the roaring pound of my heart. I was in shock and a little numb.
“I know this shouldn’t be the question I’m asking, but I have to. Will this affect my gymnastics career?”
Dr. Kozol put his pen down and laced his fingers together. Dr. DeLang was still on the phone, her voice too low for me to hear. He met my gaze with gentle eyes filled with compassion, and I didn’t like it. I knew the answer before he spoke.
“That’s a tough question to answer. Your body is already used to the rigorous training the sport demands, so it shouldn’t hold you back per se. However, lupus and kidney disease both cause chronic fatigue and joint weakness, among other indicators you’ve already been experiencing. Some days you just aren’t going to be able to get up and go to practice. I’m sure you’ve already experienced that a time or two.” I nodded sadly. I had, but I still got up regardless. “Whether it’s a flare-up or mental fatigue or just extreme exhaustion, it would be dishonest of me to say nothing will affect your career. That being said, I implore you to start dialysis.”
“What happens on the days where I still get up and go?”
He observed me. “You mean when you push through and fight the symptoms?” I nodded. “I don’t recommend that. I’d say you’re stronger than most and your tolerance for pain and exhaustion is abnormal.” He joked, then sobered up. “Is that what you’ve been doing?”
“Yes. I thought I was just overworked. It comes with the territory of training elite, so I thought nothing of it.”
“And you never took time off?”
“No. I mean, I’ve wanted to, but I sucked up the pain and kept going. I recently made the national team, so taking off wasn’t an option. I have the Olympic trials in a few months,” I added, my voice high-pitched.
Dr. Kozol whistled, his forehead creased with astonishment. “To be blunt, I don’t see you making it into your twenties still competing and training at the rate you are now. It’s not impossible, just highly unlikely, and I’m not sure it’s healthy to continue putting your body through such rigorous training. Your risk of a heart attack or stroke is higher than normal now, and given what your body endures during this type of workout, the stress and pressure, it’s a risk that needs to be heavily weighed. At this point, more than half of your kidney function is already gone. You’re going to be really tired. When you swell up, it’ll feel like extra weight has been added to you, thus making it more strenuous on you to perform. You may think you’re training at one hundred percent, but in reality, you’re probably at forty because of how this disease works. Your risk of injury is much higher. Kidney disease is a silent killer, Adrianna. It needs to be taken seriously.”
Breathless and about to burst into tears, I flattened my lips and shook my head. I didn’t want to accept that, and I think he knew it because remorse plagued his weathered face. This was not what I needed to hear, especially when all I’ve ever dreamed of having was finally at the tips of my fingers. Gymnastics was the one thing I couldn’t bare be taken from my life. Gymnastics gave me life, it gave me freedom. But now there was a chance it could be stripped from me without any control of stopping it. My goals and ambitions, gone. I was nothing without gymnastics. I didn’t know who I was outside of the sport, and having it erased completely from my life terrified me.
My chest was caving in. My breathing deepened. I couldn’t allow this to happen. Now it didn’t come down to my ability to perform as a gymnast that could hold me back, it came down to this crippling disease I wish I never knew about, and how hard I was willing to fight it before it ultimately consumed me.
