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“Me?”
“You’re attracted to Reed.”
I shrugged. “Is that all you got out of the conversation?” It was my turn to be on the defensive, not able to predict what he was going to say next.
“You’re preaching for me to see myself as worthy and yet, you stood out there, certain Reed wouldn’t want anything to do with you. I heard him try to set you straight, but it really didn’t sink in, did it? You said Reed thought you were dirty, and you were wrong. In some ways, you’re like me. You don’t have the same level of hatred for yourself that I do, but you don’t think you’re good enough.”
“Cas, please don’t.” I could feel the tears building. It was easy to beat myself up, to get down on everything that was wrong in my life. When it was being pointed out to me, it struck differently. It hit harder. The aim was dead on in my chest.
He took a step toward me, then another. He didn’t stop until I could feel his body heat against the bare skin of my arms. I had to tip my head back to look him in the eyes. It wasn’t easy to do. I wanted to shrink away and make myself smaller. This wasn’t another guy I was talking to though.
“You said no one’s ever touched you like they gave a shit. How did it feel to have Reed’s hand on you? Because I know what it’s like when it’s on me. Would it compare to how it feels to have me touch you?” He lifted his hand, hovering it beside my neck.
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“Then why is your voice shaking?”
I bit my bottom lip to keep from saying more.
He moved his hand, so it rested on my jaw with his thumb on my lip to gently pull it from my teeth. His voice dropped to a whisper. “Don’t hide when you’re with me. Tell me why you’re affected.”
“I’ve never been desired by one, let alone two guys, outside of when they were paying me to get them off.” Shame washed over me, burning me from the inside out, but I pushed on. “To have Reed touch me, yes, it was fucking amazing. If you want to do the same, I’m not sure how to process it. You keep so much inside.”
“I won’t lie to you.”
“But you’ll evade answers to the questions I ask. And you’ll hurt me, right?”
“You see who I am, El. You saw me with Reed. That’s all you get.”
Leaning forward, I put my hand over his heart the same way I did with Reed when we were outside. “I told Reed not to toy with me. I’m telling you the same.”
“I don’t know how to be what you de—”
“No,” I said, moving my hand to his mouth. “You don’t get to use that word in front of me. If you touch me, it has to be because we both want and need each other. We both deserve it.”
He smirked beneath my palm, so I removed my hand. “I thought we weren’t using that word.”
“You aren’t. I am.”
“Smart-ass,” he muttered. “I’m not allowed to touch you, then?”
“Not if you’re going to fuck me and leave. I have enough shit tearing me up, Cas. I refuse to add more to my shoulders.”
“Reed could.”
“He wouldn’t do it intentionally.” It wasn’t something Reed had said, more of a feeling I got. If Reed hurt me, he would hurt himself as well. The guilt would eat him alive. It was who he was. Casper had guilt too, but he internalized it so much when he was with Reed, he didn’t know how to let it out if he wanted to.
“I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“Then don’t.”
Casper shook his head. “Why are we even talking about this? You’re going to screw around with meandReed? How would that work? We take turns with you?”
“We’re simply talking right now. I wouldn’t do anything behind either of your backs. You could consider doing something with us together.” What in the fuck was I saying right now? I was a disaster of a human being, and I was proposing having a threesome with Reed and Casper, two huge rock gods I currently lived with? When did my life turn into a movie?
“Elic,” he growled low. The sound sent chills racing down my spine and over my arms in the best way. Anticipation thrummed inside me, wondering what he’d do next. “Now who’s toying with who?”
“I’m not. I’m simply stating what you can have.”
