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“Elic?” I asked, my voice a broken whisper.
“No.” He shook his head and looked down at my knuckles. My hand had to be swollen, given the pain throbbing through it. “No,” he repeated and took a step back.
Inside, I shattered. Elic was afraid. Of me. I kept my face neutral the best I could as I turned and left the restaurant, my focus on getting out of there. Elic couldn’t stand to be near me. If Reed felt the same… Fuck, I couldn’t even think about losing them both.
I wasn’t staying so everyone could witness me falling apart. I’d do that in my home with a bottle of whiskey in my hand.
There were still police cars in the parking lot, but they’d already spoken to me. I got into my SUV and maneuvered around them until there was nothing but the road in front of me.
My phone rang in my pocket as I drove. I ignored it, cranked up the music, and putting the windows down. I needed something else to focus on so I could get to where I was going in one piece.
At my building, the elevator didn’t arrive fast enough. The stairs became my best bet to get to the cold place I lived in. My breath sawed in and out the higher I went. By the time I got to the top, I was out of breath and my legs burned. But I kept going. I kept moving until I had the cabinet open, the lid off, and the whiskey blazing a trail down my throat.
The ringing started again. I pulled the phone from my pocket then dropped it on the floor, not giving a shit who was calling. If I could have moved, I would have stomped on it. That required lifting my aching leg though, and I wasn’t about to do that.
I leaned against the fridge so it could take my weight and slid my ass to the floor with the bottle in my hand, taking another long swallow once I was settled.
Time either flew by or stood still after that, I wasn’t sure which. All that mattered was me numbing the ache inside me. The pit that opened up when Elic retreated instead of letting me closer like I so desperately wanted to be. I couldn’t imagine what he must have felt at having a man who’d hurt him so badly back in front of him. My arms longed to pull him to me so I could hold him and remind him I’d never let anything happen to him. But he didn’t want that. He didn’t wantme.
And the police… It wasn’t my place to tell them why that piece of shit was looking for Elic. I wouldn’t spill Elic’s past. If he wanted to, that was his choice. It wasn’t for me to take away from him.
The door to my place opened. My eyes were shut and my arms lax. I was barely awake by that point, while being blissfully warm, with the numbness settling in.
“Jesus, Cas.” Reed. No matter how much I hurt him, he kept coming back. Here he was in my space, searching me out. He was too good for me. Always had been.
“Leave me ’lone,” I mumbled and reached for the bottle. He pushed it out of the way with his foot.
“I know what you thought. That Elic was afraid of you. If you would have hung around for a few minutes instead of running like it’s your fucking job, you would have realized that wasn’t the case. He was upset because you were near the one person he never wanted us around. He hated that you had to deal with his stepfather, that you put your hands on him. He didn’t want you tainted.”
His words went into my ears, rattled around my brain, trying to find purchase. In the deep recesses, they made sense, but the liquor had taken ahold and whatever logic I thought I could find was lost.
“You’re not sober at all, are you?”
“Not,” was what I got out.
Soft steps on the floor approached. Smaller feet edged into my fuzzy vision as I canted over and lay on my side. The tile was cold against my exposed skin. It soothed me down to my bones, completing the blissful state I sought out. My eyes fluttered closed again.
Pain jolted through my hand as it was lifted from my side. I groaned, wanting the ache to stop.
“Cas, what did you do?” Was that… No, it couldn’t be.
“El?” I slurred, though it sounded more like eh.
Gentle fingers caressed my cheek. The touch was featherlight and comforting. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
It was a dream. It had to be. My Elic wouldn’t be here right now, touching me. He was too afraid of me, of being near me after I hit someone so hard I laid them on their ass.
More words were said, soft ones, almost lyrical. Sweet even.
I sighed and sank deeper into the whiskey haze.
No pain. Not for me or the ones I hurt.
No stress.
No band.
No nothing but me and the darkness I deserved.
