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“Wait… wha-what are you doing here?”
She grins at me. “I’m Jackson’s mom.”
My eyes widen. Holy shit. “What? Really?” Who would have thought that the lady from my flight to tell Ben I was pregnant all those months ago would end up being Jackson’s mother?
“Small world, huh?” she says.
I swallow over the lump in my throat. “Insanely.”
“Let me put this on simmer and we’ll go sit outside. It is nice and sunny out there. We can talk.” She walks back over to the stove and turns it down before putting a lid on the pot and coming back towards me.
Taking my hand, she leads me outside and we take a seat on a bench swing looking over the backside of the property. Which right now is just Rage’s home farther out and then woods. I am assuming they plan to build more. I don’t think I would mind living out here if that is what Jackson wanted.
But then I shake my head. He isn’t even going to want me after all of this is over.
“What is that look for, darlin’?” his mom asks.
I look at Agnes, who is watching me. “What look?”
She pats my knee. “You looked like you might have been planning a beautiful future for a second, then it just crumbled from your face. Talk to me.”
“I’m sure Jackson filled you in on everything,” I nervously chuckle.
She tuts. “He did, but I honestly couldn't care less about what he had to say. I want to know whatyouhave to say. Howyouare feeling. You don’t have to bullshit me. I am a mother, you know. I lost a child. Every single day, I grieve her. I came back from my trip because Jackson told me shit was happening. So let me be here and help.”
That’s right. She lost her daughter ten years ago. Jackson still hasn’t told me what happened.
“How did you keep going? I mean, yours was so much worse. You knew her. You had years with her before she passed away. I didn’t even get to see my baby and I feel like I’m suffocating.”
“Let’s get one thing straight first. Mine was not worse. Mine was different. You have every right to grieve just as much as I do. Just because she wasn’t born yet doesn’t mean shit. That was still your baby. She was your child. The moment that test read positive, you were a mother. Not having been able to meet her doesn’t change that fact.”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I don’t even try to wipe them away or stop them. I know I’m going to spend this entire talk crying. I didn’t even know I needed to hear that, but I think I did. It was like a small part of me felt I shouldn’t have a right to grieve her and feel the full force of it.
Agnes sighs, “Now, how did I keep going? I didn’t. I was a mess. I had to be sedated that day. Jackson took off, and I couldn’t find him for five days.”
My eyes widen. “Five days? What—”
“No.” She shakes her head. “He has to tell you his part. I can’t do that.”
I nod. That is an amazing thing to do. I had so much respect for Agnes on the plane, but now I have even more.
“My husband, well, he was a good husband. He loved his kids. He loved me. But he also was into shady shit. Shit that got him killed. I never wanted to know everything he was into. I knew he worked closely with Killer, Rage’s dad, so I knew it had to be bad, but I couldn’t ever bring myself to want to know. I loved him and to me, back then, being blind to it was easier. I know that is horrible, but it was just how things were then.”
I don’t think I could do that. I love Jackson, and I know he can’t tell me everything, but I also know he wouldn’t do horrible things. I really don’t know if I could turn a blind eye to it. But I also am learning that Ben did horrible things, and I guess in a way I turned a blind eye to that by being naïve.
Jackson’s mom goes on, “I felt very alone. Jana and I were very close, so losing her… it was soul-destroying.”
“What happened?” I whisper.
She takes a deep breath. “Well, you see, Jana was special. She was very, very smart, but book smart. She didn’t get along with others that well and preferred to fade into the background. There was a group of boys who would pick on her throughout elementary school. Jackson always tried to protect her, but it didn’t always work. We ended up pulling her, and she homeschooled. She dealt with depression, and it was easier to maintain it and get help if she just stayed home.
“When we lost their dad, they both had a hard time. Jackson was close to him in the sense of the club. He knew he would have to take over for his dad and even though he didn’t agree with what his father did, he respected him and wanted to do it for him.”
She exhales before continuing. “We didn’t see Jackson a lot after his dad died. He was busy with the club, and I think it was taking a toll on him. More than he ever told me back then. So Jana was struggling with losing her dad and not having her brother around. She was starting college soon after having taken a year off after graduation. Her depression was pretty severe, and it got worse, so we spent a year trying different treatments to help her get better so she could succeed in college. Things were finally looking up. Jackson was trying to come around a bit more, and Jana was feeling brave enough to go out on her own. She left one day to go for a walk to a coffee shop by herself.”
She stops talking and stares out at the trees.
I can’t help but notice the pause. Biting my lip, I hesitantly say, “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to tell me.”
