Page 127 of If We Say Goodbye


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He pauses for half a second, and his head turns slightly in my direction.

Caleb is going to turn around.

He’s going to turn around.

Please turn around.

He doesn’t. He continues down the hallway without saying a word, without even looking at me.

I bite my lip and shift my gaze. What did I expect him to do? I’m the one who pushed him away.

* * *

My arms arefull with an overflowing paper bag of groceries. There are sprinkles and every shade of cupcake liner imaginable. If anything will make her feel better, it’s baking. No one can stay mad when there’s a cupcake involved, especially not Sadie.

“Are you sure you don’t want help carrying all of that?” Mom says from the inside of the car.

I can barely see her past the groceries I’m juggling. “I’m sure. This is something I need to do by myself.”

She nods with a soft smile. “Okay, text me if you need me.”

“I will.”

Mom spent the last hour following me around the store, helping me find everything I needed. She even added a few of her own suggestions to brighten up the cupcake decorations. So if anyone asks us why some of the frosting is neon yellow, that’s Mom’s contribution.

“Okay, I love you.” She starts to roll the window up, not waiting for me to reply.

“Mom?”

The window stops moving.

“I love you,” I say. It comes out as awkward as talking through a mouthful of marbles, but I needed to say it. She needs to know it. Especially after today.

Her tears sparkle with a happiness I haven’t seen in a long time. Her fuchsia pink lips break into a smile, and she stares at me in awe.

I raise my shoulders and cringe. “Okay, I have to go now. Bye.”

She laughs, rolling the window up the rest of the way.

As I march up the driveway, I shuffle the bag enough that my fingers can form into a fist to knock. It’s weak and probably too quiet for anyone to hear. Just as I’m about to knock again, the lock clicks, and the door unlatches, opening ever so slightly.

Sadie peers through the opened crack. “What do you want, Becca?” Her voice is flat.

“I came to apologize.”

“For what?” This isn’t her usual warm tone. It’s frozen into an icy river sending a shiver down my back.

“I’ve been a jerk. And you can hate me forever if you want, but I want you to know I’m sorry about everything.”

“It’s fine,” she whispers.

“No, it’s not fine. I’ve been a terrible friend the last few months. I deserted you when you needed me most, but I was too blind to see that.”

When she lost Ethan, she lost me too.

The door opens a little further, revealing her unbrushed red hair. She isn’t wearing any makeup, and her strained eyes are sunken in. Her chin trembles, and she takes in a weak breath. “I did need you.” She rubs her cheek, but I know her too well. That means she’s trying not to cry. It’s her tell.

“I can’t fix what I’ve already done, but I want to be here for you now . . . if you’ll let me. I convinced Mrs. Williams to let you retake the math test and, as long as you show up for the dance, you’re going to be able to graduate.” I shake the bag of groceries. “There’s everything you need to make cupcakes. I alsomight’vebought some ice cream.”

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