Page 34 of If We Say Goodbye


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“Is that it? Are we done?” That’s all I can force out.

“That’s everything, for now, but I want you to meet Sadie in the library after school tomorrow.”

My jaw clenches, and I stare at the door. I paw at my sleeves, pulling them over my hands as my stomach aches.

“Becca?”

I look back at her.

“Will you be there?”

“I have to go,” I say, leaving the room before she can stop me.

* * *

My stomach growlsas the smell of hamburgers and tater tots fill the school on my walk toward the cafeteria. So far, this morning has been nothing but lecture after lecture and my brain is mush. All I want is to sit down and eat. I even brought my own lunch from home to avoid another catastrophe.

Rounding the corner, I’m only a few feet away from the doors.

“Becca.” Sadie appears out of nowhere, tapping my shoulder.

I cringe before turning to face her, and even then, I can’t bring myself to look at her. My eyes lock on my shoes and their mess of laces.

“Did Mrs. Williams talk to you about the tutoring?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

I nod. My back is tensing up, coiling like a spring. I want to run.

“If you don’t want to do it, that’s okay.” She pauses to take a deep breath. “I know you’re probably busy.”

She makes it sound like I have a choice in any of this, like tutoring her is optional.

“It’s fine.” I look up at her briefly, taking in her orange eyeshadow and lip glossed smile.

She’s trying to act normal, but I’ve been around her long enough to know she’s uncomfortable right now. The smile is nothing but a mirage—a decoy to hide what she’s really feeling. Her timid request is her way of probing the situation to see if I’m still upset.

“Well, my grades are pretty bad in math, so I’m going to need a lot of help,” she says.

“Okay,” I say. “I’ll meet you in the library tomorrow after school.”

She stands there, staring at me. It’s as if she’s waiting for me to say more, but when I don’t, she smiles again nervously. “Did you want to sit with me?”

“I kind of need some time alone,” I say.

She nods. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Next time.”

“Yeah, next time,” I whisper.

She rocks on her heels, shifting her weight before committing to moving forward. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.”

I lag behind, giving her time to walk in and create a safe distance between us. The avoidance is automatic, but it’s also strange. Guilt builds inside of me as I watch her wander the cafeteria alone until she settles on a corner seat at the back of an empty table. I should be right beside her, but it hurts too much.

Slowly, I step forward as more kids flock inside.

“Come here often?” Caleb asks, falling into step beside me.

I shift my gaze up. “Do you need something?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Something’s wrong with my phone.”

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