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However, the part of the conversation that stuck out the most to me was that he was not dating anyone. Maria had been wrong in that regard. If that was the case, then when he wasn’t here or at the fire station, where did he go? He had talked about having a second job, but surely that wasn’tallhe did. If that was, then he was the epitome of a workhorse.
And I didn’t know how I felt about sharing a home with someone like that. At least, not in the long term. While I was just trying to get on my feet in Lantana, it would be fine. Perhaps even if I ended up working as a nurse here because I’d be equally as exhausted when I got home, if that was the case.
Instead of dwelling on what he did when he wasn’t home, I focused on my beading.
I ended up creating quite a few pairs of earrings. Enough that I had to bring more supplies down from my supply upstairs. For half a second, I thought about moving everything upstairs instead of just taking my supplies down, but I decided that the larger screen in the living room was worth it. While I could have easily watched these things on my desktop, it was more fun working in the living room every now and then.
To be honest, I kind of missed the feeling of staying up late into the night just beading on my little table. I had done it so many times before I moved, partially out of necessity and partially to stay ahead of the orders on my site.
Instead of entirely beading for the fundraiser, since I’d have time when I staffed the store to do that between customers, I focused on making things for the customers who were ordering online or coming into the store. Then, I texted Maria with an idea that came courtesy of something on the show that I was watching.
What if we get a tablet, have it set up to look at the website I run, and let customers browse the online stuff there too? More sales that way, I’d think.
I put my phone back on the beading table and continued to work on the long trails of beads needed for this particular pair of earrings. I never really understood the appeal of wearing earrings so long they touched one’s shoulders. However, they were all the rage right now. And they were ridiculously easy to make, compared to some of the other styles I made. Some of them had some felt to keep them from getting tangled, but others were loose to let the beads dangle and swing.
Eventually, my fingers felt the pain of having beaded too much for a day. I put everything back in the table, closing the top. I could get that back upstairs tomorrow, since I didn’t have much else to do before I was supposed to be at the store. Besides, it was late and Maria probably wouldn’t respond about the tablet idea until the morning.
As I moved to go upstairs, I felt the cool air hit me. The rain had really made the temperature drop, and the idea of crawling into a cold bed was not appealing. I turned back to look at the warm couch.
I walked to the little powder room. After using it and washing my hands and face, I let out a heck of a yawn. Whatever time it was now, I had a feeling that Jesse wasn’t going to be coming back until the morning. Perhaps that was why he had locked the door.
So, instead of attempting to get myself up the stairs and make a cozy nest in my own room, I made my way back to the couch and laid down. I closed my eyes as I listened to the rain pattering against the window. It was so peaceful.
Chapter nineteen
Nineteen: Jesse
After I shut the front door, I locked it with shaky hands. I leaned against the side of the doorframe, trying to calm my racing heart. Tears welled in my eyes for what felt like the first time in forever. Since my friend’s death, it had been the same routine. Go to the fire station. Go to the ranch. If I had anything else to do – errands, training, whatever it was – I did it before going to the ranch. I clung to that routine for dear life.
But I hadn’t been to my friend’s grave since the funeral. Couldn’t stomach it. The thought that I would never be able to talk to him again had hurt so much after that fire. To know that Jade had some kind of empathy – something I’d not seen in many months – had almost broken me right in front of her.
I walked to my truck. It wouldn’t do me any good, right now, to start sobbing in front of her. She saw me as this irrationally angry man. As much as I didn’t want that to be her image of me, I couldn’t blame her for it. After losing my friend, I had started withdrawing from everyone. Even my father had noticed it, though he assumed it was because of my job just as my brothers had become jaded.
As I hopped into the front seat, I took in a deep breath. Willing the tears away so that I could drive, I decided that perhaps Jade was right. Even if it wasn’t a beaded bracelet left at the grave, I needed to do something. Leave something to tell him that I was still visiting.
Though it was late, I headed to the grocery store. They would have a decent-ish selection of flowers, I supposed. Even though I knew that, at this time of year, I could go pick a sunflower off the side of the road if I really wanted to. He’d always pointed out the sunflowers when we drove down the highway together. This grocery store sold sunflowers. At least, during the summer. I hoped I wasn’t too late to be able to buy one.
The grocery store was mostly empty, probably because of the rain. Upon arriving at the small selection of bouquets and fresh flowers, I found a small bouquet of sunflowers. They were starting to wilt, but they’d do for what I wanted. I grabbed the little bouquet. Then, I made my way to the register.
The woman working the register appeared to be ready to go home. She wasn’t entirely talkative, but gave me the total as she should have. I paid, and then returned to the truck.
“Here goes nothing, I guess.”
I took in a deep breath as I headed towards the cemetery. Whatever Jade’s intentions had been, I was quietly thankful for the reminder that it was all right to visit the grave again. Most around here didn’t visit the graves of the fallen, no matter how close they were. Unless it was a family member, at least. I wished that it was treated differently. However, there was nothing more I could do for that.
When I arrived at the cemetery, I parked my truck and walked with the sunflowers to my friend’s grave. To my surprise, I found someone had actually planted a sunflower at his grave. Perhaps his parents. The rain soaked through my jacket quickly, but all I could think about was how good the rain would be for the plant. .
I placed the bouquet of sunflowers on the wet grass beside the headstone.
“I miss you,” I whispered.
The tears returned to my eyes, mixing with the rain. I sniffled a little. How could one simple little visit have me in tears?
I let them flow this time, wondering if perhaps this is exactly what I needed to stop being so snappy with Jade. She didn’t deserve any of the frustration I’d unleashed on her, especially since she was only trying to help. I knew I owed her an apology, along with a giant thanks for tolerating how I had been and helping me see how to straighten it all out. It certainly wouldn’t happen in one day.
But she had started something that I meant to finish.
I knelt down on the dirt beside the headstone, ignoring the mud as the tears ran down my cheeks as the sun began to set. The conversation with Jade had also given me something that I had not felt in a long time. For so long, I had only confided in Henry – my friend who now lay in the ground beside me – because he would never judge me for the emotions I felt. He had a way of listening that made me feel seen.
