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“You’re here because we fuckin’ want you here. Now, if my fuckin’ brother and I are bickerin’ over you, then that’s our lot. It weren’t anything that hadn’t been brewin’ for forty fuckin’ moons already. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
The broken chords of her “Okay,” as she utters it within the confines of my pinched hand, threaten to undo my last resolve to take this slow.
She can’t see her worth. Her value to others. She appreciates herself enough to stand up for what’s right, but when it comes time to take what’s given, to accept the help others provide, she doubles down. Backing away and putting up a fucking shield that I want to deconstruct.
Fuck whoever made her believe she didn’t deserve to be given love without covenants. Fuck the asshole who taught her no good deed goes unpunished.
“Tyke will be fine,” I say with a shake of my head as I lean back on my heels.Don’t fully believe that myself.But it needs to be said. “He’ll figure out his issues with this and fuckin’ let you know when he has. Until then…” I glance at her from beneath my brow, hopeful and with my fucking soul laid out in the palms of my hands for her to inspect. “Let’s just make this about us.”
I need her to find me worthy. To find me desirable.
I fucking need this burning need inside me reciprocated so I know what the fuck to do with myself.
Her tongue peeks out to wet her lips, eyes downcast as she draws a deep breath. “I just don’t know if I can.”
“Can what?” I lean back, deflated.
“Be what you need me to be.” A small smile tips her lips, gone just as fast as it arrived. "I feel as though I'm a goddamn house cat lost amongst the lions, Digger. I'm way out of my league at this club, pretending I'm something I'm not and hoping nobody notices I'm different."
“Bein’ different is fine, baby.” My brow twitches into a frown. “Why would you want to be anything other than what you are?”
“Because then nobody asks questions,” she states with an exasperated sigh. “Nobody pays any attention if I blend in. I want to be invisible, Digger. I hate having eyes on me, people watching everything I do, where I go, who I talk to. And I hate even more that I don’t know what they’re thinking.” Her hands fly as she talks. “I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong. If I’m fucking up some rule I didn’t know existed or insulting someone with my ignorance.” Her gaze finds mine, pained and wary. “And I hate how badly that might reflect on Maddie.”
I get what she’s saying. Fuck—I felt out of place when I finally patched in. Ten years older than my brothers when they did,and with half the fucking experience within these walls. I made stupid mistakes—shit that was no surprise for someone new to the life, but shit people expected me to know when my last name was the same as the President and the Vice.
I grind my jaw and then take her hands in mine. “Tell me this: you have everyone's best intention at heart?"
She nods.
"Gratitude in your heart for the help you're given?"
Another small movement. “Of course.”
"Hope for a better future?"
She fails to agree, her lips flattening as her chin dimples.
I take it as a yes. "Then how in hell do you think you’ve been pretendin’ you're someone you're not because that's what I see, and that's who you are."
She feathers a smile, daring to meet my eye briefly. "I'm no biker girl, Digger. I’ve known Maddie for the better part of a year, and I still don't understand the first thing about this life: how to fit in, how to pretend to be your old lady."
“Then stop pretending.” I draw a steady breath, waiting,praying,for her to look me in the eye.
Rae doesn't disappoint. “Pardon?”
"You want to make it look real?"
She nods.
"Then let's make it real." My throat constricts, the image of my brother shutting that damn door fresh in my mind.Would he kill me if I did this?Fuck—he walked out and made the choice. He more or less gave her over to me. "Be my girl, Rae. For real. Let me show you how to live this life. Make it a life worth living for me."
Her jaw tics, eyes glassy as she looks all around the room—anywhere but me. The tears break free; one lonely track down her left cheek, chased by its quicker cousin down her right.
"You gotta tell me," I say with a little humor to soften my vulnerability. "Are they happy tears or scared ones? ’Cause I'm all sorts of confused right about now."
Her warm caramel eyes flick toward me, followed by the slow turn of her head. Rae holds my gaze, searching left and right, before leaning close enough that I catch the whisper of her breath against the tip of my nose. She offers a gentle smile, gaze dropping to my lips. "You'll live to regret this."
I fucking hope so.
