AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“To kill yourself?”
“I figured melting the items wouldn’t work. I’d merely be changing the shape of the gold, but I don’t think Mammon can be burned away.”
“We haven’t even tried that.”
“I know, and I was going to try it, but I had doubts. The items represented something, but gold can be made into anything. Breaking the rose did nothing. Throwing them in the ocean would merely make it so nobody could find it, and I don’t even like that. If they washed up later, that would be an issue. If a tiny piece washed up or made its way into a stream, and someone panned and found it, it would probably still get ahold of them. Mammon isn’t like a piece of wood that can be burned to be ash and obliterated.”
“So just what were you planning to do?”
Aurelius rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I figured I’d free you before it came down to that. After we took Morning Glory, I wanted to get the items and keep you around for a few days. I didn’t know what the fourth item was or if I’d ever be able tofind it. That seemed like an impossible task, and I never thought about David’s garden. I planned to free you from your vow and send you away. With me on the throne, things would seem fine, right?”
Jari’s jaw tensed.
“I’d be mostly safe, and if I still couldn’t figure out the item after a time, I’d take the risk and deal with myself and what I had. I’ve always planned to go to Ash Island at some point and kill myself to make sure I didn’t end up like Eurig. Even if I never got ahold of the hand or the rose, it had to be done. I care about Nova, but I don’t crave the power of ruling like some. I certainly wasn’t going to wait around for the insanity to grow and do what my Father did. That’s why I told you that I had to use the items to win the war, and if that changed me, I needed you to put me down if possible. Even if we’d never met before, that’s how this was going to end.”
“You’re not killing yourself,” Jari said in a tight voice.
“My remaining options are far less pleasant.”
“I will tell them to turn this ship around, and if I have to, I’ll fucking throw you over my shoulder to take you back to shore. I’m going to build you that little house, and for every single day you have in this realm, I’m going to love you and give you everything you truly want-”
Aurelius’s chest grew painfully tight. Everything he wanted was right in front of him, and he couldn’t have it. “No, you’re not. I love you too, Jari, and that’s why it has to be like this. I’m not going to force you to watch it get a hold of me.”
“What about what you want? Don’t you fucking deserve some time and freedom?! For fuck’s sake!”
“I can’t have what I truly want, and I knew I’d never get that. I tried, and I hoped, and everything got snatched. What I want now and can grant myself, is a peaceful death.”
“Damn you.” Jari took a shuddery breath as he looked at the floor.
“I don’t want to wake up one morning and find that I killed you in my s-sleep.” Aurelius’s voice broke as Jari turned his face away. “If I did that, I wouldn’t make it through the day before I gilded myself. I couldn’t live with that-even for a few hours-I just couldn’t.”
“Maybe I don’t want to live with you dead,” Jari said in a small voice, clearly struggling to keep himself contained.
Aurelius tried to swallow the thickness in his throat as he sat on the edge of the bed and took his hand. Jari tensed like he wanted to snatch it away, something he’d never done before. Aurelius’s eye stung because the truth of the situation was tearing him apart too even though he was trying to hide it.
“Look at me.” He squeezed Jari’s hand. “I don’t want to kill you, and I don’t want to die while I’m insane. I don’t want to look at you and not even recognize you, or become so lost that I go on a rampage and kill countless other innocent people. Nobody deserves that, and if I must go, I want to do it while I still know who I am and can remember everything you’ve done for me.”
“Aurelius…”
“Do you want me to suffer until the last second or possibly be put down at some point like a rabid animal? Aren’t I worth more than a dog?”
“Yes, but-”
“You’ve already given me more than I ever thought I could have. I’ve had so many firsts with you that I thought I’d never get. You’ve shown me that two men together don’t have to be painful or shameful. You’ve been gentle and more solid than anybody in my entire life besides Mother, and you came to get me.” Aurelius kissed the back of his hand, and Jari’s breathing hitched. “When I’m gone, I want you to go and live your life. Find someone to spend it with. Build them a house.”
“I don’t want anybody else in it.”
Aurelius fought to keep his voice steady as he leaned in to hug him, and Jari held him tightly like he thought Aurelius would vanish right then. “One day, you will. It won’t hurt so bad, and you’ll find someone special. You’ll make a home with them, and they’ll be able to stay. I should have said something, but I didn’t want our days spoiled here either, and I didn’t think we’d wake up to that.”
Jari squeezed him as his breath grew ragged. If he cried, Aurelius would break down too, and his throat ached so bad, he could hardly bear it or the knife lancing through his heart.
Jari would have a home with someone, and he would love again. He was too good of a man not to. If he thought about Aurelius in the distant future, he’d remember the gentle nights and touches, not Aurelius raving mad and insane.
***
The others seemed to sense the mood shift when they neared land later. Tenth, who had been good about keeping his trap shut and not poking them with questions, said he’d get a lifeboat ready.
Jari had asked to come with him so he wouldn’t die alone, and Aurelius had refused. He didn’t want Jari to think back and see Aurelius dying in his memories over and over again. He couldn’t erase the bad things that had happened so far in life, and what good they’d had together shouldn’t be overshadowed by his death any more than it was.
