AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I shake my head. “No. How could I ask him to do that? Hockey is everything to him. He has a career ahead of him that’s going to probably make him millions of dollars, something he’s worked for his entire life. I couldn’t possibly ask him to put that at risk.”
“What if he’d rather give up hockey than give up you?” Kayla asks.
I have to laugh at that, but a sob bubbles from my throat along with the laughter, and I clamp down on my jaw to keep more from following it. Clenching my eyes tight to prevent tears from spilling, I shake my head.
“No one would be crazy enough to give up a professional hockey career for some girl they met by hooking up at a Halloween party, and then spent a couple weeks having a secret fling with.”
Even though I’m not looking at her right now, I can feel the sympathy radiating from Kayla’s eyes.
“Just from what you’ve told me this morning, I think you both know that it’s a lot more than that now.”
“Why?” I ask. More than challenging Kayla, I’m challenging my own thoughts which have whispered the same thing to me. “Just because we had a couple decent conversations scattered here and there while sneaking around to hook up?”
What we shared together outside of bed, especially in the last two weeks while we were “together”, sure felt to me like a lot more thana couple decent conversations. But, in reality, that’s all they were. There’s no way Liam would weigh that against his career in the sport.
“If you talked to Liam, maybe he’d see if differently,” Kayla suggests.
“In that case, I really shouldn’t talk with him,” I say. I have to close my eyes tight so that the hot tears welling in them don’t spill over; and despite my best effort, one traitorous tear still manages to breach the gap and trickle down to my chin. “He’d be crazy to throw his future away. If there was a possibility he’d even consider it, the least I could do for him is to not even give him the chance.”
I plunge my face into the pillow, shutting my eyes tight and clenching my jaw to keep raw sobs from ripping from my chest. My chest still swells with deep breaths, and I feel Kayla’s hand gently rubbing my back as she tries to comfort me.
With my eyes shut tight, my mind plays through the memories I made with Liam. The night we met, the first drawing he passed me in Psych class before we even knew who the other was, the night at the hotel when he carried me to my room in his arms.
The jealous look in his eyes that I relished in when I teased him by wearing his teammates’ jerseys. The way he played like a man possessed when I finally wore his to a game, and the way his gaze from the ice told me that having his name on my back had a lot to do with it.
Snuggling in his arms watching Downton Abbey. Talking to him about his father. Him showing me his drawings. Convincing him to share a side of himself he only let me see with the other people important to him in his life.
The weekend we spent together when he couldn’t go to the Virginia game—the best weekend of my life.
After all those memories he gave me, at least I still have one last thing I can do for him: I can stay away, so that my dad doesn’t kick him off the team. I can control myself and not let my own selfish want for him tank his whole future.
Sometimes, the right thing to do is the thing that hurts the most.
32
LIAM
The home crowd erupts as Tristan slams a goal into our opponent’s net. The score buzzer reverberates through the air as the crowd ringed around the rink shower us with excited cheers.
Just weeks ago, I remember reflecting that I can’t think of a better sound in the world.
But right now, I stand aside from the rest of my teammates as they all skate up to Tristan to congratulate him and celebrate.
I don’t feel any joy at Tristan’s goal bringing us to 3-1. I don’t feel anything from the energy of the crowd. I just don’t care.
I’m playing fine. I’m not making dumb mistakes, I’m accurate with my passes, I’m positioning myself on the ice where I’m supposed to be.
But my heart isn’t in the game. Mechanically, physically, I’m playing the role I know how to play so well that it’s second nature. But it feels like I’m sleepwalking through it.
I used to never feel more alive than when I was on the ice. Every second of the game used to make me buzz with excitement. I’d be totally keyed in, living in the moment like nothing else mattered.
Tonight, playing the sport I’ve dedicated my life to doesn’t feel any more meaningful than half-heartedly playing a video game to kill time.
That’s how everything’s felt for the past week. The only time I feel alive is when I recall the memories I made with Zoey—and then, I only know I’m alive because of the searing, stabbing pain in my chest.
The day after he found us out, Coach sat me down and explained that, as angry as he was with me, he’d be willing to keep me on the team and keep the secret to himself, as long as I agreed to break off contact with his daughter.
How could I say no?
