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“Mother, I know this is all too much,” I squat beside her, “I just wanted you to see and hear for yourself,” I exhale and reach for her. I pull her to myself and as I spin her, I come face to face with the terror of blood streaming down her nose, a cut on the side ofher head and her eyes closed. She still has the charcoal sticks in a tight grip.
Fuck me.
My heart shrinks.
I lift her off the floor.
No no no, please no.
I drop her again and almost stumble over myself steps to go into my bedroom and get my car key on the nightstand, then continue running down the stairs.
God fucking, please.
She must have hit her head from the explosion and I fucking didn’t notice. How is it that I didn’t fucking notice? I thought she took cover.
My heart shrinks to a nut size and my brain begins to sizzle at the thought of losing her too after all of this. I might have had my disputes with her but heaven knows I love this woman. I fucking love her.
I lift her from the floor and stomp out of the kitchen, passing domestic staff that is all hyper cleaning the sitting area.
“Tell Rosaline and Orazio I’m taking my mother to the hospital,” I hurry out as best as I can with my mother in my arms.
I maneuver to open my car, put her in the back seat, then turn around to get to the driver seat. Without bothering to strap my seat belt on, I drive out of the driveway and with the same speed, I drive us down through the street of the estate till I get to a connecting road at the end.
“Mother, please, if you can hear me, hang in there, I need you, I fucking need you,” I drive into the hospital that is owned partly by my family.
It was her idea to have the hospital close to home and today I thank God that my father fucking listened.
I'm in the hospital now and she is on the trolley.
“Mother,” I try to get the charcoal sticks from her as the nurses file out with a trolley to get her and take her inside but she won’t let go of them.
I am behind, pushing with them until they drive her into an emergency ward and the two-way door closes.
I will lose my mind. I will fucking lose my mind if she doesn’t come back to me. She is all I fucking have left. I did all of this for her too. How can I cope with the thought that I killed my mother? How can I fucking live with myself?
I bite my lower so hard and sharp it immediately cuts to feed me with blood while my eyes water.
Night can be manipulated to have a charm with the strategic placement of lights. Who wants the boring dawn anyway?
Those were the words she told me when I had an episode once as a teenager and started to hate my life. She looked at me with so much warmth in her eyes and held my face with both hands to whisper those words to me. And I carry them in my heart and on my back as a tattoo.
I scream silently, wanting to punch something and hating my life for all the times she tried reaching out to me in New York but I didn’t let her get close. I wasted four fucking years making her feel abandoned while that fucker continued to manipulate and use her.
I go down in a crouch position, hugging my knees as my tears sprint down my cheeks.
God, please, I can’t fucking lose her.
I stay in my position hearing footfalls move in and out of the ward, wondering what is happening but trying not to lift my head and look for fear I might stomp into the ward.
“Hey,” Orazio calls, kneeling beside me and I wrap my arms around him.
I don’t know how long I’ve been in this position but my spine hurts like hell.
“I can’t lose her,” I mumble.
“You won’t,” Rosaline hugs us both.
“You won’t, I promise you, you won’t,” Orazio tries to bring his light to this moment, but even I know it’s beyond him.
