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I don’t know what to say to that so I say nothing. Lara stares at me waiting for a response that’s not coming.
“Look at what you’ve done to your kitchen,” she points to the mess I’ve made.
I agree…it’s substantial. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what went through my head. I’ll clean it up.” I turn to get a dustpan and a brush, but now I can barely move.
“And tear more of your stitches?”
Now I feel shame. The way I’m behaving is no better than a junkie looking for a fix…but Ineedto drink.
“Just go sit in the living room so I can fix your sutures,” she points like a schoolteacher.
I do as she says.
When I sit down, I feel extra heavy…like I won’t be able to stand up again.
Any other person would feel embarrassed, but now even the shame has passed. All I want is a fucking drink!
Lara comes back with her medical bag and opens it with a huff after setting it down on the coffee table.
“It’s not bad enough that I have to sleep in a chair and babysit you all night. Now I have to redo all the work I’ve done because you’re behaving like an animal!”
I don’t say anything. She’s right.
She winds off the bandage from my ribs, “Idon’t understand.” She snorts out a breath. “I understand there’s millions of losers out there just like you who have to rely on a crutch because you’re too much of a coward to face reality.That’swhyIunderstand.”
Still…I say nothing. She goes to work repairing the stitches. It stings, but compared to the rest of the pain, it’s not much.
“Life gets a little tough, sure I can understand wanting to be lost for a little while. Maybe take time out and drown yourself in a bottle so you don’t have to think. A day, maybe two…heck even a week…on the outside maybe a month if it’s really bad. But you?”
She takes off the bandage on my shoulder and starts repairing the stitch there.
“You all think you know better than everyone else,” then she starts using a whiny voice. “Ooh. Woe is me! I’m Chase and I’m sad so I drink all the time and act like afucking dick!Ooh! Look at me! I’m big, tough, sexy Chase. I can drink and say whatever I want and then blame it on the booze!”
The last bit makes me want to laugh, “So you think I’m sexy, huh?”
“Shut up! I saidyouthink you’re sexy.”
“I don’t think that.”
“Well, just so you know, broody vampires peaked at the turn of the century, pal. It’s not a turn on any more.”
I shoot my brow and turn to her, “And yet you still keep talking about it.”
Now it’s her turn to get quiet.
A minute goes by in silence and I say, “Listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said about your brother. I didn’t mean that.”
“Oh, I think you meant it,” she pulls tighter on the thread but I don’t flinch…even though it feels like she’s tearing my flesh.
“I didn’t…or maybe I did…but you don’t know why so you can’t judge me for it.”
“Chase, if I were you, I’d stop talking. I was inches away from forgiving that whole episode as being the height of your drunken idiocy. You’re only making it worse now.”
Shit.“Lara, there are things…”Fuck…things I can’t talk about.But even sayingthatmuch is going to make her wonder what I mean.
“What things?”
“Never mind. You’re right. I’m a loser and an asshole and I don’t deserve anything that you’re doing for me right now.”
