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I shouldn’t blame him, because as he’d expertly pointed out, he had done nothing wrong.
“Don’t twist my words. You know full well that’s not what I meant.”
I didn’t dignify that with a response. I needed to get my head straight, and with him sitting hardly five feet away from me, that was an impossible mission. So I fell into an eerie silence, staring into nothing.
“JAMIE!” Liam practically growled after it got too heavy for him, “Can you please talk to me?”
He did not get the right to be angry. I’d used all my strength to keep it together for five miserable minutes, but now I simply couldn’t anymore. I sprung up, sitting on the bed, facing him head-on. I needed to look into his eyes if I was going to spill my heart out.
“What the hell do you want me to say? What do you want to hear, Liam? Huh? Do you want to hear me say that I’m broken inside? Is that not obvious? That I was looking forward to something happening again since that day in the elevator? Is that what you want to know? That I haven’t been able to take you off my mind and that I died inside when I saw you kissing Michelle in your office? And now she magically appears inside your apartment when something’s about to happen between us. NAKED! With a fucking KEY.” I shouted before settling down in resignation. “She has a fucking key, Liam. Is that better? Knowing I’m so fucked up and craving a kind of attention I’ve never had before, that I’m all caught up by someone I met a month ago? And my boss, to make matters worse!” I quieted for a minute, my voice lowering to just above a whisper. “And still, you are completely right. I have no reason to be mad at you or anyone else, for that matter. No. Reason. At all. Happy?”
I paused for a minute, inhaling deeply. “Now can you leave?”
I felt the mattress ease without his weight, but soon enough, it dipped again, right behind me, Liam’s arms forcing me into a hug that felt both like Heaven and Hell. I fought him first, Liam's hold only intensifying to keep me there.
I finally gave in, sobs shaking me as he held me tighter. I had no right to feel this way. I shouldn’t have these feelings for him. I shouldn’t have any at all. But reason held nothing to what simply was.
And now he knew.
He soothed me back to calmness, a different, more comfortable silence filling the space around us.
Liam must have thought I was asleep. I didn’t know the meaning behind his confession. His voice was low, pained, and whispered against my hair. “You have no idea how undeserving I am of you.”
Chapter 12
Jamie
The morning wasn’t gentle in its clarity. I’d never felt more disposable than last night.
When I woke up, I knew I was alone. The spot behind me where Liam had been lying was still warm and smelled like him. He had stayed longer than I had silently gambled with myself.
Still, he left without saying a word. If he knew last night that he would sneak out without facing me, he could have done me that courtesy when I asked.
His words pounded in my brain like a jackhammer, “You have no idea how undeserving I am of you.” I had no clue what that was supposed to mean. Was he admitting guilt for what happened last night?
He had seemed honest when he said he had no idea Michelle was there, and I wanted to believe him so badly because although I shouldn’t, I still wanted to forgive him, find a reasonable explanation, and pick up where we left off.
Somehow, I was sensing that none of that would be happening.
I picked up my phone, naively wishing there was a message from Liam there, but there was nothing besides Alison’s reply to the message I’d hurriedly sent her last night saying I was heading out.
Even though it killed me to admit, my stomach dropped and my heart pained a little. While a part of me expected Liam to run after I had admitted my feelings for him, the other part hoped he felt something similar and that my first step would encourage him to take one, too.
By Sunday evening, it was clear my hopes would die on that bridge.
I had taken advantage of the weekend, using half of it to wallow and the other half to brush it off, pulling myself together as well as I knew how to. I couldn’t let myself be a mess on Monday. It was bad enough as it was.
Monday morning came quicker than I’d like, and my ego and heart were still bruised.
I hid it under a fake smile and a ton of makeup that did its job of concealing the dark circles and puffy eyes. There was no such remedy for my soul.
The way I saw it, I only had two options: ride or get off the damn horse. So, I was going to make that decision today based on my interaction with Liam. I had to know if I was just an easy fuck or if there was space for more. After all, Michelle had been standing naked in Liam’s apartment, a sure fuck to end his evening, and still, he spent the night with me, fully clothed, not trying to push his way into my pants after what happened.
I wore something eye-catching, hoping it would work as an incentive, strutting into AD as confidently as possible under that last piece of logic. I ignored the daggers directed my way in Michelle’s glower, settling in my desk earlier than normal.
As much as I had talked myself into having an ounce of confidence, I still couldn’t bring myself to start this conversation with Liam, so I waited for him to come to me.
I watched him work, and unlike other days, I hadn’t felt his eyes on me once. By lunchtime, my ego was shattered together with any hope I still had left. Not a word, not a look, not a signal. Nothing. It was as if we hardly knew each other.
