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Forcing myself out of the car and up the sidewalk, I was doing fine until I got to the front door. Then I froze, fist hovering in the air, raised to knock. I broke out in a cold sweat. What the hell was I doing?! I had a son, nearly ten years old already. It wasn’t like a baby who would forget that I was a stranger, then grow to love me over time. A nine-year-old was old enough to form their own opinion. What if he hated me? Shit. I should’ve brought him a present—or lots of presents, for all the missed birthdays and Christmases.
Shameful as it was, I was considering making a break for it. I could text Jasper that I was running late, then run to the store quickly. Kids liked video games, right? I could get him a new console maybe. I hesitated too long, though, and the door swung open.
Jasper was standing there, and just like at the reunion, my heart stuttered at the sight of him. He was truly beautiful, his blue eyes like depthless pools I found myself happy to drown in. “I was watching you from the window. Getting cold feet?” he asked, nibbling on his bottom lip.
I chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, just a bit.”
“Good, me too,” he admitted, which made me feel a little better.
“Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s a nervous wreck.” I felt awkward with nothing in my hands, so I shoved them into my pockets.
Jasper stepped aside and ushered me into their home. There was a pile of shoes at the door, not at all organized, and lots of jackets and sweaters hanging from hooks on the wall. There was a lived-in feel I liked; not at all like my place, with its bland white walls, sparse furnishings, and sterile new-house smell I hadn’t been able to get rid of since moving in a few months ago.
“I, uh, told Cameron to give us a few minutes first. He has a lot of questions, and… well, so do I. I don’t know how to do this whole co-parenting thing. If that’s even what you want? No pressure.” Jasper sighed and gave a little adorable shrug. “How about we just start with coffee?”
“Sure, thanks.” As if I needed the extra caffeine right now. I was wired as all hell, but at least it would give me something to do with my hands.
Jasper led the way to the kitchen. It was tiny, with hardly any counterspace and a two-seater table tucked in one corner, and there was soapy water in the sink, like he’d been doing dishes before I got here. There was no sign of a dishwasher. He poured me a mug from the coffeepot and passed it to me.
I laughed lightly as I took in the nutty aroma. Hazelnut, just like he used to drink. “You haven’t changed at all, have you,” I teased.
He looked at me strangely, almost sad. “You’re probably right.” He gestured toward the table. “Have a seat.”
As I settled into the chair, my eyes were drawn to the fridge, where artwork and photos were stuck with magnets. “Is this him?” I asked, though I already knew. He looked just like I did at his age. I was shocked by the sudden yearning I felt. I wasn’t there for any of these pictures. While I’d been busy with college parties and football games, traveling and partying and playing hard, Cameron had been here. I hadn’t even known something was missing from my life until this moment.
“It must’ve been hard,” I said softly, looking across the table at Jasper, “raising him while going to medical school. And I’m sure you must work long shifts at the hospital. I hope your boyfriend helps out.”
His face scrunched up. “Huh? Oh, you mean Brent. No, he isn’t my boyfriend. He isn’t anything, really, just a coworker who doesn’t understand boundaries.” My jaw must’ve dropped at this piece of information, but Jasper wasn’t even looking at me; he was staring down into his mug. “And, um… confession time, I guess. I’m not a doctor either. The, uh, timing was never right to put in those kinds of hours, between raising Cameron and then my mom got sick. I work at an animal hospital, though, so it’s… almost the same thing.” He was blushing right to the tip of his ears.
“Oh. You’re a vet?” I asked, mostly so I didn’t blurt out something idiotic, like, “So you’re telling me you’re single?”
“Um, no. That would be my older brother. It’s his clinic. I’m just his assistant.” He seemed embarrassed by that fact, and he tried to cover it up quickly by saying, “It’s actually kind of perfect, because it’s flexible hours, and he doesn’t mind if I bring Cam to work with me sometimes when my parents can’t babysit.”
“M-maybe I could… you know, babysit him for you—when I’m in town, that is. It probably isn’t called babysitting if he’s my son, right? That’s just parenting.” I shook my head, laughing softly. “That still feels so weird to say.”
Once upon a time, I’d been pretty good at reading Jasper, but now, he was filled with new emotions, and I watched them play over his face. I tried to get a hold of what they were, but it was pointless; we’d been teenagers without real-world problems. Now, his number-one priority was protecting his son—even if that meant protecting him from me.
“Sure,” he said after a long pause. “We’ll have to talk about your schedule and… ours.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll just go get Cam, I guess.” He stood from his chair suddenly, slopping the hot coffee over the rim of his mug, and he yelped as it scalded his hand.
I reached for him without a second thought. “Are you okay? Here, put it under cold water.” I took him by the wrist and dragged him over to the sink, turning on the faucet and directing his hand under the stream.
For all the years I’d dreamed of him, now Jasper was right here, his body close enough to feel the heat coming off him, to smell his scent. I slid my grip from his wrist to his hand, water pouring over our joined hands, cooling my heated flesh. My thumb caressed his palm, and his breath stuttered. “What are you doing?” he asked shakily, trying to pull away, but I tightened my grip.
“Just making sure you’re okay.” I brought his hand up, inspecting for blisters, while also just enjoying the opportunity to touch him like he once let me, brushing my fingertips over his soft skin.
“Dad, are you okay? I heard you yell.” Cameron peeked around the corner into the kitchen, and I dropped Jasper’s hand and stepped back.
Jasper gave me a tight smile. “Yeah, I’m okay, bud. Just spilled some hot coffee. Thanks for checking on me.”
“Hey, Cameron,” I said, awkwardly waving. “I’m Eric. It’s nice to finally meet you.” I winced. “Too formal? That was too formal. Sorry. Let me try again.” I wiped my wet hands on my pants. Cameron was watching me, his eyebrows raised, and it was making me panic. “Hey! I’m your dad. Put ‘er there.” I held my hand out for a shake, then changed directions and held it up for a high five instead. “Shit, I’m so bad at this. And now I’m swearing in front of you. I’m so sorry!”
I slapped a hand over my mouth to stop myself from saying anything else, then turned pleading eyes on Jasper, begging for help. My son hated me already, I just knew it.
“Relax,” Jasper said, laughing at me. “You can talk to Cam like you would to me.” I highly doubted that, considering how I felt about Jasper. He walked over to our son and pulled him into the room. “Cam, this is Eric. Eric, Cam. Why don’t you guys have a seat and hang out for a few minutes. Are you hungry? I can make sandwiches.”
“I can do that!” I was quick to offer. Wow, making my first meal for my kid.
Cam headed over to the fridge. “I’ll show you where we keep everything.”
