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We've talked a lot about adopting, but because of her medical history, it's a lot more complex than it is for most couples. Because she'll require medication for the rest of her life and could fall out of remission at any time, adoption agencies are hesitant to move forward. Quite frankly, they're afraid. It's frustrating, but I can't fault them when they're trying to do the best they can. Her diagnosis is a big unknown as far as they're concerned. It's a big risk to take with the life of a child.
Maybe one day, that'll change, and we'll be allowed to adopt. But we took ourselves out of the running a little over a year ago. Being constantly rejected was breaking Kelsey's heart. I can tolerate a lot. But watching my wife fall apart isn't one of thosethings. If she's pregnant again now, it'll be a blessing in every way. I know how badly she wants it.
I want it just as badly.
But more than that, I want her to be safe and as healthy as possible. That's what matters to me.
"I want it so bad, Kris," she whispers. "So freaking bad."
"I know, princess."
Before I can say anything else, a sharp rap sounds on the door. Kelsey goes rigid in my arms.
Dr. Mathers pops her head into the room, spots Kelsey on my lap and smiles. "Kelsey," she says warmly, slipping into the room and closing the door behind her. "How are you feeling?"
"Freaking terrified," my wife blurts.
"Well, that's not good." Dr. Mathers briefly glances at me. "It's nice to see you again, Kris."
"You too."
"What's going on, Kelsey?"
"Either I'm pregnant or falling out of remission," Kelsey says. "I need to know which so I can stop freaking out."
"What are your symptoms?" Dr. Mathers slides onto the stool in front of the computer, her fingers flying across the keyboard.
"Exhaustion, nausea, trouble focusing. It feels like last time."
"Last time you were pregnant, or last time you fell out of remission?"
"Both."
"She thought she was falling out of remission last time," I remind Dr. Mathers.
"Are you late?"
"I'm never very regular."
"Have you taken a test?"
"No," Kelsey whispers. "I was too freaking afraid to do it."
I rub her back, fucking hating how small she sounds. Hating that I can't go through this part for her. My gut says she'spregnant, but until it's confirmed, I don't think I'll breathe easy, either. How can I when it's her health at stake if I'm wrong?
"Then let's start there," Dr. Mathers suggests, rising to her feet. "Come with me."
"Can Kris come too?"
"Sure. He can wait outside the bathroom door."
I set Kelsey on her feet before rising to mine. We all troop out of the exam room, heading down the hall toward the bathroom. Urine specimen cups are stacked on a small table right outside the door. Dr. Mathers grabs one, holding it out to Kelsey.
"You know the drill. Pee in this and leave it in the little cubby hole. I'll have the lab run it as soon as you're finished."
"Okay," Kelsey whispers.
"I'll have Carmen meet you in the room to get some blood when you're done here. We'll go ahead and start checking your levels to see where we're at today." Dr. Mathers places a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Breathe, Kelsey. We're going to handle this, no matter what."
