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“Hey, what happens on the farm, stays on the farm,” Jason reminds me. “You’re not with her. You don’t have to feel guilty about doing shit with your cock. It ain’t hers, and she said she doesn’t want it.”
Hearing that truth is like another punch in the guts. I hang my head. “I know. But I don’t think if I can donate sperm if she’s against it. It kind of feels like my balls belong to her.”
“It certainly seems that way from here.” Jason snorts a laugh. “Why don’t you convince her young ass to give you a shot, tellher dad you changed your mind, and then fuck her. Or don’t tell him.”
“It’s more complicated than that. Both her dads are sick, and I can’t rock the boat and create drama there. Their family is on the fucking rocks as it is. And I’m a father now, guys. I can’t go doing shitty things, like fucking Jem behind their backs. Not that she’d let me fuck her, anyway. And I feel like she’s going to get possessive and weird over the Maggie-feeding-Viv thing, so that’ll be another strike against me.”
I look out the window, at the world whizzing by, and feel even less in control. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be in a position to get another shot with her, truth be told. I mean, she didn’t even tell me she had my baby. I ran into her at the store, saw the baby, did the fucking math, and demanded answers. What if she was never going to tell me? She’s made it clear from the start that she doesn’t need me, and she doesn’twantto need me, and everything is just fucked.”
“Maybe give it some time,” Vince says. “Things are obviously a bit complicated right now, but maybe they’ll be different in the future. Let the dust settle, and then see where things lie. And in the meantime, curb your milky little desires elsewhere. She already thinks you’re fucking other women, so why not do it?”
“Because it doesn’t feel right.”
“Ah, unrequited love,” Jason says with a smile. He settles back into his seat, facing forward again. “Nothing a few whips, collars, and ropes can’t resolve. Maybe she’d be into it if you strapped her to the bed, sucked her tits, and left.”
Vince alternates between giving him several stern glances and keeping his eyes on the road. “I worry about you.”
“You should,” Jason says with a grin. “Drop Gunnar home first. I want a look at this Jem girl.”
“Fuck off. She’s not home yet, and you’re not invited for a sneak peek. I’m not Ben, and I won’t be parading my girl’s titsand ass around, or spreading her cunt so you can see her getting juicy. She’s the mother of my child. I don’t care if I can’t fuck her; she’s still mine.”
“Sounds like she’s the kind of independent woman who might have something to say about that, Gun.” Daryl smirks, before he turns to look out his window. “And you may be fake-dating a fictitious woman to throw her off, but what are you going to do if she gets a boyfriend her own age?”
Cold sweat breaks out on my brow. “I don’t even want to fucking think about it.”
17
JEM
Gunnar is waiting on my doorstep when we return, and I jump from the car and run toward him. “Why are you out here? Is everything okay?” I drop to my knees next to the baby bouncer to get my first glimpse of Viv in three days.
“Hey there, Viviana Wade, cutest tot in town. Look at you,” I say, pulling her into my arms for a cuddle. “Holy moly, girl. Did you grow again? Are you trying to catch up to your daddy?”
“Daddoo. I preferDaddoo,” Gunnar corrects me with a frown and a distant look in his eyes. “For Viv,” he adds, and I gulp when I think about how we used the wordDaddybefore. “I um…” He pauses, watching Dad get our bags from the trunk. “You need a hand, David?”
“I got it,” Dad calls back. He sets my bag down near us, nods at Gunnar, and then heads for his place.
“So how did it go?” Gunnar asks, his tone soft.
“I don’t really know how to answer that.” I snuggle Viv, and then lift my shirt, to latch her on when she starts mouthing me through the fabric. “Okay? Sort of.”
The muscles in Gunnar’s neck strain as he swallows, and he looks away. He gets off the stoop and dusts off his jeans. “Okayis better than bad, I guess,” he mumbles.
“It may become bad,” I say quietly, so Dad won’t hear. “Gabe’s coming home to convalesce, in about a week, and Dad’s going to be heartbroken all over again if they can’t get over themselves.”
I tilt my head, to look up at Gunnar, and squint from the late-afternoon sun. He watches my dad going inside his place, and keeps watching even after the door closes. He doesn’t seem to want to look at me, for some reason, and I’m kind of too tired to wonder about it. “I asked Gabe why he left, like you suggested,” I say.
Gunnar raises his eyebrows and turns his attention back to me. “You did?”
I nod and pat Viv’s baby booty, to check the state of her diaper. It’s dry. And she seems happy. She’s been well looked after. “He’d been gambling,” I say. “Ran up some debt with the wrong people — under his own name, but he was scared it might come back to us. So he left, sought help for his addiction, and he’s been working himself to the bone, to pay everything off. Hence the heart attack. He was too ashamed to tell us, but fate forced his hand. So… it’s not a great excuse for him to leave, but it beats the hell out of his dumping us because he doesn’t love us.”
Gunnar bobs his head while he’s listening. “Men do weird shit for love, sometimes. And he’s coming home in a week?” he says, still looking over at Dad’s place. “I can meet him then?”
“I suppose. Are you okay? You seem tense. Did you have a rough time with Viv?” I ask, searching his face for signs of baby-related trauma from sleepless nights.
He shakes his head. “She’s a good girl. She barely screamed at me after the first day trying to use a bottle.”
I breathe a little laugh. “She does have a wicked set of lungs.” I glance up and see Shelby through the kitchen window. I waveat her and Jaxon. “How come you’re waiting outside on the stoop, when Shelby’s home?”
