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“Something I don’t want you to get mad about.”
“What did you do?” I repeat more firmly.
“I let Maggie feed Viv,” he blurts out, ducking his head like I might hit him.
I narrow my gaze at him. Why is he being weird? Does he think I’ll be disappointed he didn’t do it himself? Viv probably just felt more familiar taking a bottle from a woman. “Why would I get mad about that?”
“With her tits,” he adds, cringing.
Oh. There it is. “Youwhat?”
He throws up his palms, as if I’m an oncoming freight train he intends to stops with his bare hands. “Viv was screaming and hungry, and she refused the bottle when it had formula. Just flat-out refused. And when I snuck it into her like a dream feed, she woke up and screamed until she vomited, and then she screamed some more, and she was so hungry, and I was desperate, and people used to do it all the time in the old days with wet nurses, and such.
“My aunt breastfed my sister sometimes, when Mom was in no state to do it, and there was no food she could eat, and I didn’t know what else to do. We didn’t have baby bottles or a store nearby or money… And on the farm, we used the same sort of surrogate methods with orphaned calves or lambs. I know you probably think I’m some dumb back-country guy with weird ideas, but I know some shit, and I swear it was the best option at the time. She was so upset, and she was fucking starving, and it was breaking my heart not to help her, and Maggie had milk, and I just…”
He’s practically hysterical, and I can sort of understand why he did what he did, but it feels weirdly like a betrayal.
I watch Viv’s cheeks chugging happily, and sigh. She’s definitely a boob-girl. “If thisMaggiewoman was kind enough to share her baby’s milk with Viv in her time of need, then I suppose I can be grateful. I doubt it was a picnic for her to feedtwo at once and…Wait. You made it sound like they had no kids. They already have a baby?”
Gunnar pales slightly, and his eyes get shifty.
“What is it?” I growl.
“Um… They don’t have a baby. Maggie and Ben… He uh… They brought in her milk without…”
“What?Why?”
Gunnar glances at my tits, and then closes his eyes. “Some couples enjoy... milk-related activities.”
My nipples tingle at the husky gravel tone in his voice, and I know exactly what he’s meaning, because I loved the look on his face when I milked myself in front of him, and I have fantasized about him hungry for my breasts more than a few times.
“He milks her for asexthing? And you let her feed our baby?” My voice is so high and pitchy I don’t recognize it, and even Viv stops feeding to stare at me in concern, her lower lip pouting. I soothe her and calm myself so she’ll settle back at my breast.
“Viv demanded breastmilk, and Maggie had it. She was so hungry, and it was the best I could do for her,” he says in a whisper.
“What if Maggie had filthy diseases?” I demand to know.
Gunnar frowns. “She’s not some dirty stranger off the street, Jem. She’s Ben’s girl, and that makes her family. He’s the kind of guy who makes sure his girl is in good health. I’d trust that man with my life and Viv’s. Maggie feeding Viv was no different to my aunt’s feeding my hungry sister when Mom couldn’t. Wasthatfilthy?” His nostrils are flaring with each breath. “I’d never put Vivvy at risk.Ever,” he growls, as if I hit a soft spot.
Good. I feel soft all over right now, and to know that he can be wounded too is like justice.
“How can you be sure? Did you have Maggie tested?” I ask.
“She doesn’t have diseases,” he says, hand on his heart.
“Oh,” I say with a nod. “That’s right. She’ssweet and loving. I forgot.”
Gunnar stalls. His eyes get all squinty at me, and then he looks at me side-on. “It wasn’t like that, Jem.” He opens his mouth to say something else, but wisely closes it again.
“Can you go, now?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around things. “I don’t want to look at you for a while.”
18
GUNNAR
Iwas expecting Jem to take more time to cool down, but she lets me come over again the next day.
“I overreacted,” she says and hands me Viv, so she can pick up some toys from the floor and put them away in the toy chest I made for them. “I thought about it, and considering how distressed you were when you told me, I can only imagine how you felt when Viv was raging with hunger. It’s a heartbreaking situation you’ve had to face before, and you used your knowledge and experience, to do what was best for Viv with what you had. You gave her what she needed, and I shouldn’t get carried away with the finer details, because she’s happy and healthy and shared feedingiswhat used to happen. Wet nurses have always existed. And I thought about what I said, too, and how it may have been perceived. I didn’t mean to insinuate that what your aunt did was wrong or dirty or would’ve given your baby sister diseases or anything like that.” She gives me a small smile. “I’m sorry if it sounded that way.”
