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“Your father,” she answers through smoke. “He left us, Phoenix. He’s not coming back.”
“Yes, he is.”
“No, he isn’t.”
“Yes, he fuckingis!” I growl, hands digging in my backpack. Rage is bubbling in my stomach, fueled with annoyance and pent-up sorrow. And then I wave the letter in my hand like the goddamn trophy it is. “There. He wrote me.Me. And you know what? This letter has been more of a support to me than you have. It came at a high price, but I did it.” I stab my finger into my chest. “Idid that.”
I lied. I cheated. I nearly killed.
“Listen to me now, Phoenix.” Mom’s voice has become sharper, and inwardly I’m preparing myself for her shifting mood. “Your father didn’t write you that letter.”
“But he did. Look!” I wave the envelope, infuriated. “It’s right here! Why is it so hard for you to believe that he loves me? That he misses me?”
“Because I’m telling you that he didn’t write you that letter, Phoenix!” She roars.
“I did.” Nate whispers.
I turn my face to the intruder. “You—” And then I fall silent, and let those two words tumble around me, only to crash into my wounded heart.
Mom looks away, sobbing again, furiously dragging from her cigarette. But Nate’s eyes hold mine, radiating that same sadness as they mingle into a weathered face, proof of a tough life. “You?” My body shivers, and my mind comes empty.
“Your father,” Mom begins, voice low and raspy. “He left us to marry the woman he loves. They moved to Texas.”
“To Texas?” I frown, baffled. “No, that’s not true.”Lie. “He sent me that letter.”Lie. “Look.”Lie. The paper’ feels light in my hand, the corners folded, scrunched up, used, from all those times that I took it with me to shield myself against the world, a blanket of illusion. The paper that made me sign my death warrant. I take it in both hands, and it trembles, just like my heart. And then I break, the words shattering on my tongue. “How could you do that to me?”
Mom cries, her cigarette discarded as she cups her face with both hands.
“How could you—do you hate me that much?” My heart cracks and I shrivel into the corner like a wounded animal. Mom shakes her head, her face still hidden from me. “You’re lying,” I mumble, and open the paper with trembling hands. “He writes: “I’m working very hard for our future. For our penthouse, and your workplace.”My teeth clatter through the rapid puffs of air. “He loved me, and he wanted to be with me.”
“Phoenix.” Mom takes her hands away to face me. Her cheeks are flush from the tears, make-up smeared under her eyes. “Did your father ever have a job?”
“He—” My voice falters.
Mom shakes her head. “He didn’t. Did he ever care about your dreams of becoming an artist?”
No.“But—”
“He didn’t. Adrien only cared about himself, and about the woman in Texas. That—” She points at the letter in my hand. “In there, those are your dreams, Phoenix. This is whatyouwant. When he left, I couldn’t see you like that—” She starts crying again. “You were broken. And then you started searching for him, he who never appreciated you. And I was afraid.” She shrugs as tears roll down her face. “I was afraid that you’d leave me too. I wanted you here, with me. And so I asked Nate to write you a letter, pretending to be your father, so you could find peace.”
“But why—” I swallow thickly, my mind fighting to catch up. “Why him?” Taking a large drink from her can, she wipes her mouth with her sleeve, and sighs.
“Your sister wasn’t Adrien’s. Nate was the father. We’ve been in love for a very long time, Phoenix.” Baffled, I turn toward the other man, who hasn’t moved. “We go back years, all three of us. Adrien was All Saints, Nate’s All Saints, everyone here is All Saints, either a member, or a victim.” She lets out a wry smile at that. “Adrien got caught for fucking the wife of another member, and that’s against the rules of the gang. No screwing around. But they loved each other. So they left for Texas—” She lights up another cigarette and shrugs. “Leaving me broken, Phoenix. Still am.” She points at her drink. “This stuff is poison, but somehow the only thing that keeps me alive these days. I wanted to tell you about Nate, wanted to find a way for us to live together, but I didn’t know how. And I was so angry.” Her fists clench. “So angry that you took her away, that you tried to leave. And I was afraid. I love you, my son, and I hate you. And that makes me so, so sad, that the drink is the only thing that can soothe me.”
“Dad has forgotten about me,” I mumble. “And Nate—” I look up at the other guy. “Why did you give Damon the letter?”
“I didn’t, Phoenix.” Nate sighs heavily. “But with your dad gone, and a family reputation that had gone south, I didn’t want you to become pray. I wanted you to join All Saints as a member, and told Damon. He agreed that I’d keep an eye on you during your first weeks, but when I asked him to give you this letter after completion of your first task, but missed the signals too late. I made the mistake of trusting him. Once he had that paper in his hands, he abused it to his own liking and sent you off on those suicide missions.”
“But why—”
“Would you have believed me if I’d told you? You didn’t even know me. Even now, with your mom, you don’t seem convinced. And I can’t blame you, Phoenix. This—“ he points at the letter. “This has gone too far.” He eyes Mom. “My hands are tied, Damon’s the king around here. I can’t openly question his actions, even though he makes me sick. That man is like the Black Death.”
“And you?” I turn to Mom. “You knew?” Tears roll down my cheeks and I sniff and whip them away. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Why didn’t you love me?
“God, you’re so much like him.” She slides out of her chair, and heads for the fridge. “Lazy and selfish. You’re weak, Phoenix.”
“Vivian—” Nate hisses, but she flips him off.
