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“No, he needs to know. You need to become stronger, my son. You tore this family apart, and now you need to man-up and get over your spineless father. He’s gone, baby.Gone. I’m not well. I tried talking to you, but you never want to talk tome. And you’ve been so good, looking after me and all. I never meant to hurt you. But now you know, you can get over him.”
“Getoverhim?” Jumping up, the chair crashes to the floor, and I grab my bag as I head for the door. My trembling fingers reach for my ears, for my buds, and I inhale through a shudder, needing my pens, needing my brain to prevent from exploding. “I can’t believe you did this to me.” I rub my hands over my face, the skin wet and hot from the tears. “And maybe you’re right. Maybe I should man up.” But right now, all the fight has left my body, and what’s left is a pathetic shallow of the person I have become.All the things I’ve done. Before leaving the kitchen, I turn over my shoulder, eyes finding Nate. “Was there ever going to be a second letter?”
He hesitates, and that’s enough for me to know. Desperation claws inside my system. I thought he still loved me. I thought he still wanted me. I turn around, but the corridor feels too narrow, and the walls are coming right at me. Mocking me, taunting me.
I told you so.
No!
Yes.
“I hate you!”
“Phoenix—” Mom shouts, but I’ve already locked my door. My heart beats fast, but it’s empty. Needing to block out the banging on the door, and Mom’s pleas, I press the next song.Someone to loveby Jefferson Airplane thrums through my buds, its steady rhythm bringing my heart rate down.
I know where I need to go.
Filling my bag with pencils and paper, I grab the last chocolate bar Kai gave me, and head for the window. The stairs feel wobblier every time I take them, and I know there will come a moment when the poor metal will just fail me. But today’s not that day. Planting both my feet onto steady ground, I head for the subway. Someone shouts behind me, and when I turn over my shoulder, I see it’s Nate.
“Go away!” I yell, picking up the pace, my speed fueled by heartache and regret.
She lied to me.
She lied to me.
She lied to me.
It wasn’t Dad, but it was Mom who tied me to the enemy and made me a traitor. My mom, who was the only reason that I was staying. There. In that miserable place I once called home.
“Phoenix!” Nate’s still on my tail when I fly down the stairs, the stitch in my side stinging like hell. On the platform I hide behind a pillar, from where I can see him coming down, eyes frantically searching. One minute before the train arrives.
Too long.
Nate moves further, heading my way. “Phoenix, please!”
I don’t want to see him, this fucking, hypocrite. But he’s coming closer, and my mind’s turning to cotton in a failed attempt to come up with something to say to him. Then, right before the approaching train can rumble its way onto the platform, a raven-haired man stops Nate.
It’s Gaëtan.
“Psst,vas-y.” Light eyes and a cruel smile stare at me from the other pillar across from me, Théo’s words somehow making their way inside my ear despite the noise. Always the noise.
Grabbing the ends of my bag firmly with my hands, I don’t hesitate, but dive for the open doors, without looking back.
* * *
“Hey, baby girl. I thought I’d pay you a visit today.” Mom’s withered, breezy flowers greet me when I sit down in front of my sister’s grave. The cemetery is quiet during this part of the day, for which I’m grateful, because my own, brisk thoughts are more than enough right now.
I’ve never come out here alone, never had the courage to face my consequences without Mom’s everlasting accusations on my shoulder. The pretty cherry blossom around the cemetery sweetens the ache I try to ignore, and I get my drawing gear out of my bag to set up for another session. “I thought I’d come and see you. Mom’s been drinking more than before, and Dad turned outnotto be your Dad.” I let out a wry smile. “How about that, hey? And then the letter I received from Dad didn’t come from him. It was one, big, fucking lie in the name of love.” The pencil skims over the paper, but rather than what I’d intended, drawing my sister, I find myself tracing Mom’s curves. Everything from her thinning curls to her dark eyes. I wonder what emotion to give them. They look so sad. Or angry. They carry pity, or pure hatred. Regret, that I too, feel. Everyday. “One big, fucking lie. You know where he lives now?” Not being able to choose, I go with loving. It’s been too long since she radiated that, instead turning into a stranger who despises me. And I despise her, for what she’s done. “He moved to Texas, baby girl. Moved on and left all of us behind. Just like that.” Humming as I draw, I finally let the sun find me, warm my chilly limbs. “And you know what? Maybe I’m feeling a little relieved, deep down. Because getting my hands on that letter was all that mattered. But now, I want to live without fear. I’m so tired of being afraid. I just want to live my life, listen to my music, and draw.” Live without this heavy feeling of guilt. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you, baby girl.” My hand carries me through my sorrow, grounds me as it creates shapes of memory, of how things used to be, of how people were before they vanished from my life. I don’t want to live in the past, but it feels so good to get all of them out there. To know that they existed.
And so I draw them all. Time stands still and moves fast all at once. And once I’ve drawn Mom, and my sister, I move on to Dad. She was right—we were never close, but I’d wanted to be. And so I draw him, so I can archive him. “And now I’m going to draw the penthouse, baby girl.” My pencil flies over the paper, feeling strangely comfortable as it brings shapes to life without any doubt. “This is where the workplace would be for my drawings. And here, a spacious bedroom. And—”
“That’s pretty.” My eyes fly up and clash with the tombstone right ahead of me, while that dark purr washes over me in the sweetest of desire. Kai drops down next to me under the cherry blossom, holding out a coffee. “Here, I thought you could use one. You’ve been here for quite some time.”
“For a big guy, you move pretty silently.” I turn my head, only to find him staring at my sister’s memorial.
“And you talk a lot for a quiet guy. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that many words. Have you eaten?” I shake my head, and he places a ham and cheese sandwich into my lap.
“Thanks.” It tastes divine, and I don’t know if that’s because I was extremely hungry, or because it’s Kai who gave it to me. Anyway, I devour it in less than a minute, slurping the last bite away with the coffee.
