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“It’s too early in your recovery to even consider a relationship, regardless of if it’s a professional helping your sobriety, or someone you meet somewhere. You need time, Michael. Once you have a year or more sober, then you can start thinking about other things. We’ve established that women aren’t safe for you – you make bad decisions around them. I’d bargain to say along with alcoholism and drug addiction, we can add sex addiction to it.”
“That’s the thing,” Michael replied. “Any other woman, I would’ve already fallen into bed with them. This is different. Am I sexually attracted? Without a doubt. But I’ve controlled it. I've respected her. That’s gotta mean something, right?”
“If she wasn’t a professional assigned to your case, do you feel you would’ve been as respectful to her?”
It was a good question, and Michael had to really consider what Sam was asking. He wanted to be honest and upfront, without giving her away. “I think so, yes, but that’s a huge what-if I’ll never have the answer to. But it’s different. It’s different in a good way, and I can say that with complete certainty.”
“I still stick with what I said. End it now before you get hurt. Before she gets hurt. Before you relapse and find yourself behind bars.”
“You say that like it’s so easy.”
“And if you can’t end it, find someone else to take over whatever her role is. I mean it, Michael. This could end badly for both of you.”
Or it could be the best thing he ever did with his life. Talking to his counselor hadn’t helped him a bit. It had only made things worse, and he had no idea what he was going to do. Most importantly, how did Haize feel about it? If she knew what was best, she’d flee from him like a burning building.
He had no idea how to be a father. He had no idea how to be a good boyfriend. Maybe Sam was right. Stay away from anything he could screw up, which included Jace and trying to get custody of him.
“There’s more, Sam.” Michael picked up a glass timer from the edge of the desk and flipped it over, watching the sand drift through. “I just found out I’m a father. He’s four, and his name is Jace. I want to be in his life. I want to be a good father to him.”
Haize’s heart skipped a beat when she saw Michael walk into the church. He stopped at the snack table and made himself a coffee, then sat in his normal spot toward the back of the room. He still hadn’t volunteered to stand up and say anything about himself, and she wasn’t going to force it. She didn’t know a whole lot – he had a single mom, and a little brother, and didn’t say much about what put him in prison. She certainly wasn’t going to force it out of him.
Taking a deep breath, she glanced at the clock. She’d give everyone a few more minutes to get there and to mingle. A lot of the members loved to talk and socialize before and after the meeting, and as long as it helped keep them sober, Haize would come early and stay late to help them out.
Looking back toward Michael, they made eye contact, and her heart skipped another beat. He looked so good in his baseball cap pulled low and his dark five o’clock shadow growing in on his face. She immediately recalled how it felt like sandpaper against her skin as the kiss deepened. And then she had to tell herself to stop thinking about it, just like she had told herself a thousand times before that.
She wanted to go talk to him but wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate. He had pulled away first, stating he’d screw it up, and she didn’t want to put him in a position that would cause him stress. He was still in a very fragile state of staying sober. He had achieved it in prison, but now he had a lot more freedom and access to the things that would ruin all his progress.
It was time to start the meeting, and she closed her eyes and took another breath to compose herself. No thoughts of Mikey… no thoughts of his strong hands, his plump lips, his warm mouth, and tongue… NO! Damn it!
Smoothing her fingers over the AA book, she began the meeting the same way she always had. The Serenity Prayer was spoken, and she introduced herself and kept it brief. Just like Michael, she had yet to reveal her past to him. Many members knew all about what she’d been through, but since he had joined, she had kept it vague and would continue to do so. She wasn’t sure why – it wasn’t out of spite because he hadn’t told her, but she knew there’d be a time and a place where they could both talk about it. Or they might never talk again. She wasn’t sure where they stood.
Several people were happy to come to the podium and share. They were the usual people, and she could recite their stories as well as she could recite her own. She strolled toward the back of the room, pretending to look over the snack table, keeping her peripheral vision on Michael.
He glanced at her a few times, and she wondered if he was having as hard a time keeping his mind off her as she was with him. Or was he far stronger-willed about it, saying no and meaning it for good? He had divulged he was a sex addict, and a sudden pang of jealousy hit her hard. What if he was messing around with some fast woman he picked up at the bar, and that was keeping his desires in check? She hated the woman if she existed, even if she didn’t know her.
And then she laughed to herself. She was being ridiculous over a man who wasn’t even hers. He was a man with a troubling past and many challenges in front of him. Her life goal was to make sure people succeeded. Why would she ever screw his chances up simply because she thought he was hot and wanted his hands all over her? That wasn’t fair to him.
She turned away and looked at the snacks again. She was good about watching what she ate, but the brownies looked delicious, and she thought about eating one. At least that would give her a sense of euphoria since Michael wouldn’t be providing that for her.
“You look good.” Warm breath on her ear and the vibration of a velvety voice made her pulse race. She didn’t have to turn around to know it was Michael.
“I can say the same about you.” She turned to face him, her desire pooling between her legs when she looked into his smoldering green eyes. His thick eyebrow arched, and she wondered how long she could deny him. She’d have to if she wanted to keep him around. He had spoken his piece and said no.
“I’m sorry about the other night.”
“No need to apologize. You were right. We needed to stop.”
His eyes squinted – a small smile reached them, and he shook his head. “Needed to stop, or wanted to stop? Cause you know, there’s a big difference between the two.”
“I’m not sure you want me to answer that, Mikey.”
“Why?”
“Because…” The room erupted in applause, and Haize noticed the last speaker had finished. It had been an hour, and it was time to adjourn. An hour? How had it gone so fast when she had only had a small conversation with him?
The crowd lingered like it always did, along with Mikey still standing where she had left him, right in front of the chocolatey brownies. Brownies and Mikey, both looking delicious.
“You never answered me,” he said. “Need or want?”
