AllFreeNovel
Share Us
My breath frosts before me as I step out of the art building and stare up at the gray sky. I’ve found that taking life day by day is my best chance of surviving the grief that threatens to bury me.
Maybe Mom was right. Maybe I should have taken a few more days off of school. But I couldn’t imagine spending another day locked up in that house of memories, surrounded by things that make me think of Ben.
I miss my brother.
I miss him with an emptiness that frightens me, and I fear I might never climb out of this deep, dark abyss I must now call my life. I find school helps a little. But only a little.
Were my moments with Efrem worth what I’ve lost?
Because my brother’s life is what that momentary happiness cost. I should have followed through on Ben’s deal—even if it proved to be a bluff. I should have ended things with Efrem and stayed away from Pyotr. Then maybe, maybe, he would have stayed away from Mikhail and the Zhivoder. I would give anything to go back and fix my mistake. But some things can’t be undone.
I have to be grateful that my parents have let me back into their lives with open arms. Because they’re the only thing holding me in one piece right now.
Since the parade of mourners has calmed to a trickle and I’ve settled back into my routine of living at my parents’ house, I find I can make it through a day of school without constant mind-numbing agony.
I still miss Ben with every fiber of my being. But now that the reality of his death has sunk in, I’m determined to show him that he didn’t die for nothing. His death was the wake-up call I needed to get my life back on track. And I intend to make something of it. For his sake.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I dig it out, checking the caller ID. My heart plummets at the familiar name flashing across my screen.
Silvia’s calling me.
It’s the third time this week.
Tears sting the back of my eyes as I reject her call once again and shove my phone into my back pocket. Then I make my way down the steps and turn toward the student parking lot.
It doesn’t take much to throw me into a tailspin these days. I feel like I’m clinging to my sanity by a thread, and something as simple as a phone call makes it feel like the world is crashing down on me.
I don’t know when—if ever—I’ll be able to talk to Silvia again. Losing her has been yet another devastating result of Ben’s murder. Still, I can’t bring myself to face someone so closely connected to the men responsible for his death. Not that I blame Silvia in any way.
She would never condone Pyotr doing something so hurtful to me. Even if my idiot brother threatened her. Silvia’s just not like that. She doesn’t have a violent bone in her body.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to think of her. Because when I do, I have to think of Pyotr.
And Efrem.
And that’s just too painful.
The immensity of how alone I am consumes me. I know my parents love me, but they have too much on their plates to add my needs. And without Silvia, without Pyotr, without Efrem, without Ben… I have lost all the people closest to me. The people I might once have confided in.
It doesn’t take me long to reach my car, and I slip behind the wheel of my sporty-red BMW, ready to get the hell out of dodge and try to clear my head. I let the road guide me as I make my way across state lines into New Jersey, then back across the border into New York once again.
Lost in thought, I reach Harriman State Park in no time and park my car. Then I dig through my backpack to find my camera. It’s been too long since I immersed myself in nature and found peace doing what I love.
Slinging the film camera around my neck, I make my way into the nature reserve, breathing deeply as I try to clear my mind. Keeping my camera close, I scan the woods around me for anything worthy of a photo.
It’s cold enough now that the ground is coated with a delicate frost, the bare trees glistening as if dressed in white-sequined evening gowns. It’s breathtaking. This is something I can’t get in the city. The peaceful stillness of a world that’s deep in sleep, blanketed by the cold signs of winter.
Taking my time, I pick my way along the trail, stopping to capture images that touch my heart. And as I walk, memories trickle into my brain. Memories of Efrem the time he joined me here.
And suddenly, the beauty of the frost-covered nature around me feels devastating. My eyes land on the spot where Efrem kissed me, the clearing he pulled me into so he could touch me for the first time.
A sob catches in my throat as I think about just how much he’s taken from me.
From my first orgasm with a man to losing my virginity, Efrem has claimed so much of me, and at the time, all I could see was the excitement of it all. The way he made me feel so alive, so safe, so desired.
A week ago, I thought I was in love with him.
But now, I hate him so intensely it makes me want to scream.
