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‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’ But getting up, I’m upset as I hug her. She’s right about one thing. I am lucky. I may have lost them, but unlike Marnie, I never had reason to question my parents’ love.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know where this is coming from.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘I warned you things had been weird.’
‘You have a lot on your mind,’ I say sympathetically. ‘Moving back from Spain must have been a major upheaval. You’re doing a job you don’t love… And you haven’t decided what’s next… It isn’t surprising it’s caught up with you.’
‘Maybe it’s that…’ She sighs. ‘Life’s definitely slowed down. But it feels like more than that. I’m not sure what’s triggered it, but it’s like I’m having an existential crisis. Except I’m a bit young, aren’t I?’ She manages a glimmer of a smile.
I try to reassure her. ‘I don’t think anyone’s ever too young for one of those. And maybe there’s a part of you that wishes your mother had been there for you. Was still there, come to that.’
She’s silent for a moment. Then her shoulders slump. ‘Yeah,’ she says quietly, her eyes meeting mine. ‘Isn’t that all any child wants? But you can’t wind the clock back.’
Changing the subject, I’m curious. ‘You’ve never actually said why you didn’t stay in Spain.’
She picks up another piece of pizza. ‘It was a snap decision. When the hotel job came up, I was surrounded by suitcases. I knew I wanted to put some distance between me and Finn. But I hadn’t planned to come back for long. England’s OK, but it’s always the same when I spend too much time here. I can’t wait to leave again. It’s the petty rules, the nanny state, the divide between the haves and have nots… The way people measure themselves in terms of their job or their house, the pressure to marry the love of your life and create perfect, happy littlefamilies…’ She sighs. ‘In other parts of the world, it felt like I’d got away from that.’
For a moment she reminds me of Birdy – it’s exactly the kind of thing she would say. ‘People will always need a roof over their heads.’
‘Of course. I’m not saying they don’t.’ She sighs again. ‘But elsewhere, life’s simpler somehow. Here, this obsession with material wealth seems to take over. It doesn’t leave room in our lives for anything else.’
‘Such as?’ I frown, mystified.
‘Our passions, whatever they happen to be. Spontaneity. Seeing more of this world. Following our dreams,’ she says wistfully.
Her words make me uncomfortable. Birdy, the shop, my flat, they’re everything in my life. It’s a long time since I’ve looked beyond that.
‘You must know what I mean.’ She goes on. ‘Look at all those books you stock on travel.’
Seeing where she’s going, I own up. ‘I have a confession to make. About those books…’ I hesitate. ‘OK. I’m not even the slightest bit adventurous. Heard of armchair travellers?’ I shrug. ‘Well, that’s me.’
‘Oh.’ Marnie looks astonished.
‘I agree with some of what you said. I think we do all get swept along doing the same as everyone else. But that’s how societies work. And when you look at Arundel’ – I shrug – ‘it’s a peaceful town. I really like it here. Most people you meet seem reasonably happy. When it has everything I need, isn’t that enough?’
‘I guess we’re all different.’ She looks at me uncertainly. ‘Actually, I’ve been thinking about going away. Only for a week. I was going to ask you if you’d like to come too. A week of wintersun somewhere… But after what you’ve just said, I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t want to.’
I feel uncomfortable all of a sudden. First Birdy’s restlessness and now Marnie’s… The timing doesn’t pass me by. And it isn’t that I don’t love that she’s asked me. But I haven’t been anywhere since my parents died. ‘I don’t think I can leave Birdy.’
Marnie looks disappointed. ‘Couldn’t she stay with one of her friends?’
‘Maybe,’ I say reluctantly. But it’s another of my excuses – Birdy’s seventeen. In reality, I know she’d be fine without me. ‘There’s the shop to think about, too.’ I can’t stop myself. ‘I don’t have anyone working for me. I’d have to close it.’
‘Rae, you really need to find someone. You’re supposed to work to live, not the other way round.’ She sounds exasperated.
‘I know.’ I can’t bring myself to tell her about the irrational and deep-rooted fear I have that if I leave here, I’ll never come back; of leaving Birdy alone in the world.
‘Will you at least think about it? We could go in the Easter holidays and take Birdy with us. Don’t you love the idea of some sun?’ she asks more gently. ‘A sandy beach somewhere, little bars to while away the evenings…’
I’m silent for a moment. I know Birdy would love it. Then, because I want her to understand, I decide to tell her about the fear I have. ‘The day my parents died…’ Taking a deep breath, I tell her about their holiday in Crete, the call from the police. How someone had ploughed into the little boat they’d hired. And when she came home from school, I’d had to tell Birdy.
As she listens, Marnie’s face is pale. ‘God, Rae. How awful that must have been. I’m so sorry.’
For a moment, I can’t speak. It’s the first time I’ve told anyone about what happened that day, about how it felt, how out of the blue my whole world had fallen apart. ‘My parents loved Crete. They wanted so much for me and Birdy to go there. Butit’s kind of left me with a pathological fear of going anywhere.’ My voice wobbles.
‘I understand.’ Her voice is gentle.
‘Do you?’ I know that to other people, it doesn’t make sense; that life is inherently filled with risks. But in my mind, even going away for a week feels monumental. ‘I’m not even sure Birdy does. Anyway, you really don’t need me. Go without me.’
And we’re not all wired the same. One person’s dream is another’s nightmare. But when Marnie’s silent, I wonder if she really does understand.
