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‘It might have to wait.’ Out of the blue, she changes the subject, her eyes sober as she looks at me. ‘I’m having some blood tests tomorrow.’
Although blood tests can be routine, it seems an odd thing to mention. Unless there’s something she isn’t saying. ‘Is there something going on?’
‘Honestly? I don’t know.’ She seems to drop her guard. ‘I have this list of seemingly unrelated symptoms. On their own, they seem trivial – and until now, I haven’t worried about them. But it’s got to the point I can’t go on ignoring them – or rather, that’s what my GP says.’ Her voice shakes. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring the mood down. I wasn’t going to mention it. I haven’t told anyone else. It’s probably as simple as a vitamin deficiency or something.’
I feel cold all of a sudden. It’s obvious from her voice how worried she is. ‘I’m glad you told me.’ I pause, not sure what to say. ‘Hopefully you’re right.’ Reaching across the table, I grasp one of her hands. ‘Until you know more, try not to worry.’
But I know it isn’t that simple and as I make my way home, I’m deep in thought, unable to believe how wrong I got her. How the Marnie who breezed into my shop not so long ago is only a part of who she is; how in a million years, under that sassy exterior, I’d never have guessed how scared she is.
It’s an evening that’s shaken me, too, reminding me again that absolutely nothing is certain. That wherever you are, in the blink of an eye, life can change.
11
JACK
The outspoken girl sticks in my head. Much though I haven’t wanted to admit it, there’s undeniably something in what she said. At the very least, after a year of beating myself up, she’s forced me to question if Lisa and I had been right for each other; to maybe blame myself less, accept that Lisa had let me down. That a year on, it’s time to move on.
A few days later, as I drive to work, I’m still thinking about what she said.Bet you’re really glad you ran into me today.The strange thing is though, since that day, I’ve realised I am glad. Not because I’m looking to meet anyone, because right now, it’s the last thing I want. But in a weird way, she was some kind of wake-up call.
When I get to work, Tilly frowns at me. ‘Something on your mind, Jack?’
I look at her in surprise. ‘Just thinking about what someone said to me recently – about Lisa,’ I add.
‘Oh?’ Tilly frowns slightly.
‘It wasn’t anything much.’ I play it down. Since Lisa left, Tilly’s been a sympathetic ear. But I don’t want to take advantage of her. ‘She told me it was time I was moving on.’
‘Really? This was a girl?’ Tilly sounds astonished.
‘She was just a stranger on a winter day – we got talking.’
‘Definitely nothing more than that? Only you make it sound so romantic,’ she teases.
I ignore her. ‘Do you realise it’s been a year?’
‘Already?’ Tilly sounds more serious. ‘Well, maybe this girl, whoever she is, has a point. At some stage you’re going to have to dust yourself off and think about the future – unless you’re going to be sad forever…’ Coming over, she pats my hand. ‘Break ups happen, Jack. It’s never easy when they do. But I honestly believe there’ll be something better for you.’
It feels at least like I’ve taken a step in the right direction – if only a small one. But however crap life might have seemed this last year, as I know too well, there are always other people dealing with worse.
Nowhere is that more obvious than here in the hospice where I work as a palliative care nurse. It’s a peaceful place where people are supported at what for many of them is the most difficult time of their lives. The setting is calming, the bedrooms light and airy, each with its own views of the gardens, the trees beyond; of the sky.
I genuinely love my job. As I know from personal experience, it’s a time in people’s lives when caring makes all the difference. Not just physical care and pain relief, but emotional support, even just company, when people know the end is coming.
I’ve sat with many as they’ve slipped away from this world into the next. Each time it’s different. Some hold on, till the bitter end takes them. Others are ready to let go and see what awaits the other side. My job in all this is to be whatever they need me to be, the aim being no pain, and peace.
It’s both rewarding and challenging, but each member of staff has the same philosophy. To do what we can to make a difference.
‘Roxie came in this morning.’ Tilly passes me some paperwork. ‘Just for a week.’
It’s what happens sometimes: short stays that give families respite, or for tweaking patients’ medications. Even so, an uneasy feeling grips me. Roxie has a devastating, unstoppable form of brain cancer, all the more cruel because of how young she is, just in her mid-twenties. ‘How is she?’
Tilly frowns slightly. ‘Feisty as ever – but I’d say frightened, too. Her speech has started to deteriorate.’
Roxie is a fighter, but physically noticeable changes are always scary, a reminder that however much you try not to think about it, this isn’t going away. ‘Is her boyfriend with her?’
‘She came in alone.’ Tilly shakes her head. ‘From what she said, I’m not sure she hasn’t given him the boot.’
Which makes no sense at all. Paul is a really nice guy – Roxie needs him more now than she ever has.
