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It’s close to midnight by the time I get home. After making a sandwich, I find a beer in the fridge, then sit at my laptop with Rose’s brown envelope, already regretting my offer to help. Butnot because I don’t want to – I’m worried I won’t find Mitchell and I’ll let her down.
It seems my fears are justified. After an hour googling his name and the addresses in Rose’s envelope, I find nothing. Stifling a yawn, I leave it for another time. But I’m all too aware that Rose doesn’t have much of that.
Lying in bed that night, for once, I’m not thinking of Lisa. Instead, Rose is on my mind. I wonder how she must have felt through all those years, knowing Mitchell was out there somewhere, while she was married to someone else. A happy enough marriage, she’s told me; one that she appreciated for everything it was. But such a waste, I can’t help thinking, to have met the love of your life, but believing you had no hope of ever being together, to give up on him.
SPRING
12
RAE
As the days lengthen, it’s as though a process of slowly unwinding change begins in me; in Birdy, too, who is suddenly more absent. It triggers an uneasiness in me. Since our parents died, Birdy and I are the only people each of us has in the world. But imagining life without her here leaves me empty inside.
It’s a feeling I try to hide. But I’ve always known Birdy isn’t like me. She’s a free spirit. One day she’ll stretch out her wings and fly away.
‘Hey. Have you been anywhere nice?’ I ask her when she comes home late from college.
‘I was at Sienna’s.’ Dropping her bag on the floor, she rolls her eyes. ‘She’s having a bit of a crisis.’
‘Oh?’ I like Sienna. She’s entirely different to Birdy, though.
‘She’s having second thoughts about the uni course she’s applied for.’ Birdy sighs. ‘It’s her parents. Well, her mum, that is. Her stepdad, not so much. But it’s Sienna’s fault, too. They have this thing about her studying a science degree and she’s gone along with it – to keep them happy.’ She frowns. ‘But Sienna’s real strength is art. She’s creative.’
‘The only person who can figure that one out is Sienna.’ I pause. It’s none of my business, but if art is her passion, surely she should pursue it. ‘I agree with you. But, you know, science and creativity aren’t exclusive. Look at the Einsteins of this world.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ Sighing, Birdy looks at me. ‘I’m so lucky, Rae. You are only ever supportive of me.’
I have a lump in my throat. How could I be anything else? ‘Of course I am. I always will be. But it’s your life,’ I say gently. ‘And it’s Sienna’s life, too.’
‘I know. I just wish she’d figure it out.’ Coming over, Birdy hugs me briefly. ‘Oh – I won’t be here tomorrow.’ She goes to pick up her bag. ‘She’s asked me to go to her gran’s with her.’
‘Her gran’s?’ I raise my eyebrows. ‘I thought Sienna was always complaining about how quiet it is there?’
‘She wants to get away from her parents.’ Birdy rolls her eyes again. ‘And it is quiet. I really like it, actually. But I missed out the bit about Sienna’s latest crush – on her gran’s neighbour.’
‘Ah.’ Sienna’s well known for obsessive, short-lived infatuations. ‘If you want an excuse, you can tell her you need to help me in the shop. I’ll pay you, by the way.’
Birdy shakes her head. ‘It’s OK. We’re only going for the afternoon – and after, I think we’re meeting up with some friends in Chichester. I’ll probably end up staying over at hers.’
It’s another hint of the change that at some point I’m going to have to adapt to, and as the days go on, I find myself challenging my aloneness, while Marnie’s on my mind. Ever since she told me about the blood tests, I’ve thought about calling in to see her. But I haven’t wanted to crowd her and there’s always a reason not to. That changes on Saturday evening, however, when just before I close, she comes into the shop.
‘Hi!’ Seeing her, my face lights up. ‘I’m so glad you’re here. I have this book I thought you’d really like. I ordered it specially – it’s about the world’s hidden islands. Hang on a minute…’
‘Thanks.’ She looks paler, less bright than she usually does.
Crouching down and fishing under my desk, I stand up again, producing the book with a flourish. ‘Here.’ As I pass it to her, taking in the look in her eyes, my hand freezes. ‘Marnie? What is it?’
For a moment she doesn’t speak. ‘Nothing. I’m fine.’ She forces a smile. ‘I just thought I’d call in.’
My eyes search her face. ‘Are you sure?’
She swallows. ‘Of course I’m sure.’ A single tear rolls down her cheek.
‘Wait a second.’ Hurrying to the door, I lock it and turns the sign to closed, before coming back. ‘Come.’
Taking her hand, I lead her over to the sofa in the children’s section, where we sit down. ‘Is it your ex?’ I ask anxiously. ‘Has he been in touch?’
‘No,’ she mumbles. ‘If only…’ She takes a shaky breath. ‘The blood test results came back. I had a call from the medical practice.’ She stares at her hands. ‘They wanted me to see a doctor. So I went – today. I’ve got to have some more tests. Just to rule things out. It’s probably nothing, but…’
