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‘He isn’t coming, Rose.’ Taking a deep breath, I find the words I’ve been searching for. ‘You see, he’s a step ahead.’ I pause. ‘He’s already there, waiting for you.’
She seems to freeze as she takes it in, then a look of relief crosses her face. ‘I wasn’t expecting that.’ There’s a look in her eyes I haven’t seen before – that’s knowing, luminous, peaceful. ‘Well, thank goodness you found out. You know what this means, don’t you?’
I don’t ask her – and she doesn’t tell me. But she doesn’t need to. Her wait for Mitchell over, there’s no reason for her to hold on.
It happens quickly after that. As her lifetime comes to an end that night, it’s a peaceful death surrounded by her loved ones; a gradual diminishing of breath; more a fading of the fading that she already knew was happening as she steals away, believing she’ll be reunited with her beloved Mitchell.
There’s an inevitability to Rose passing – as there often is. Life and death are part of the same spectrum, after all. But in spite of her peacefulness, it feels as though a light has gone out.
‘You gave her peace, Jack,’ Gertie says over a cup of tea the following morning. ‘She died knowing what she needed to know.’
‘I hope so.’ I turn my mug of tea between my hands. ‘I’d really hoped to find him, so that he could come and see her – before.’
‘Oh, Jack…’ A funny smile flickers on Gertie’s lips. ‘If they really were soulmates, they’re together now.’
‘I like to think so.’ When it comes to soulmates, I’m not sure they’re a thing, but having sat with so many people as they pass from this world to the next, I’m convinced there’s far more to this life than I can guess at.
Gertie stops smiling. ‘Now, there is something I need to talk to you about. And excuse me for saying this, but you can’t go on stewing over Lisa. She wasn’t right for you.’ Gertie looks surprised with herself. ‘I didn’t mean to say it quite so bluntly,’ she says more gently. ‘But OK. If I’m honest, that’s what I thought – almost from the start.’
I’m taken aback. She’d certainly hidden it well. ‘I’d never have known.’
‘Well, it’s not my business, is it?’ she says matter-of-factly. ‘It’s your life. But it’s been a year, now. I just don’t want to see you wasting all this time feeling sad about someone who, frankly, didn’t deserve you.’
I’m astonished. ‘Don’t worry. I’ve kind of turned a corner – I think.’
‘Good. Lisa…’ Gertie shakes her head. ‘She isn’t a bad person. But we both know…’ Gertie stops herself. ‘Let’s just say, you were very different people. And she didn’t exactly love the goats, did she?’
I look at her ruefully. ‘I’d say that’s probably an understatement.’
‘Quite.’ Gertie sighs. ‘I suppose what I’m trying to say is, what happened between the two of you, let it go. There was a reason it didn’t work out, and there’ll be someone else for you – someone far more suited to you, mark my words. Maybe there already is – and that’s none of my business, either, but when you find her, don’t let her be one of those regrets you talk about people having. Some things only come along once in a lifetime. And when they do…’ Gertie smiles. ‘Time waits for no man. You know what I’m saying, don’t you?’
‘Gertie…’ Touched that she cares, I know exactly what she means.
‘Sometimes you have to take a risk,’ Gertie says quietly.
I’m silent. Her words have struck a chord. She’s right. Life isn’t about playing safe and avoiding risk. Sometimes, it’s about taking a chance, allowing it to lead you somewhere unexpected, even magical.
I sigh. It’s exactly what I did with Lisa. I trusted my instincts, trusted her. Yes, she let me down. But these things happen – I have to accept that, too. And it doesn’t mean someone else will.
At the last minute, I decide to go to Rose’s funeral. The church in the small village where she lived is packed out. It’s also filled with flowers of every colour, their scent overriding the mustiness of the old building. Given the Rose I’ve got to know, they seem fitting.
Standing at the back, I listen to the eulogy, about Rose being the devoted heart of her family, about her strength. How in her time, she’d taken in refugees, taken part in marches for humanrights; been an adored mother, as well as grandmother and great grandmother. In short, she’d put the needs of others first.
There was no doubting people had loved her and as I listen, nothing is said that remotely surprises me. But what stands out most is that Rose had squeezed every moment out of her life. Fully, down to her last breath. It’s something to take away from this, to carry with me. To remind me to live in a way that matters not only to me, but to those I love; who love me.
As I leave the church and walk back to my car, I’m questioning myself. There’s no doubt I love my job. My home, too, and my goats. I’m lucky in many ways. I know that. Yet in and amongst it all, I know I’m missing something.
14
MARNIE
There is no grand finale as at last winter fades, more a gradual returning of brightness to the town, in the tubs of daffodils and tulips scattered around the streets and lanes; the people shedding winter’s drab shades; the sunlight punctured by rain showers.
Rae calls in to the hotel briefly. ‘Hey. I thought I’d pop in to see how you are.’
‘Sorry. I’ve been meaning to call in, but it’s been crazy busy. The hotel’s been fully booked – and added to that, we’ve been spring cleaning and decorating…’ Anything to take my mind off things. And it’s worked, for the most part.
She looks at me for a moment. ‘Do you know when your appointment is?’
