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I sigh. ‘Not yet.’
Her eyes are anxious. ‘You will let me know, won’t you?’
‘It might not be for ages.’ I’m the master of denial.
‘Sure.’ She looks slightly puzzled. ‘Well, I’ll leave you to it. I was just wondering how you are.’
I pin on a smile. ‘I’m fine.’ Hiding the truth, that I’m not.
The following day, Forrest walks into the hotel.
‘How’s it going?’ I deliberately sound casual.
He looks at me in a way I can’t read. ‘Joe’s funeral is next week.’
‘Oh.’ I stare at him. ‘It’s taken a while, hasn’t it?’
He nods. ‘They had to carry out a post-mortem, after the accident.’
‘Of course.’ Suddenly I feel cold. ‘Not a great time, I’m guessing,’ I say quietly, wishing I could be there for him. But I’m struggling.
He shrugs. ‘Not really.’ He looks as though he’s going to say something, before he thinks better of it. ‘Are you free for lunch?’ His eyes are hopeful.
‘Sorry.’ I shake my head. ‘Not a good day. In fact, I have a busy few days coming up,’ I add, before he asks.
He takes the hint. ‘Rain check, huh?’ he says softly.
‘Something like that.’ I force a smile, hiding the fact that I’m torn between my need to field more questions and the desire to see him again.
Instead of leaving, he lingers, frowning slightly. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I’m fine.’ It takes all my self-control not to tell him I’m not, that I’m worried. That right now, I want nothing more than to talk to him about it; for him to put his arms around me. But I can’t. Instead I glance towards the window. ‘Beautiful out there, isn’t it?’
The following morning, up early, I walk to the folly. As I sit on the bench, it isn’t long before Birdy joins me.
‘Hey, Bird. How’s it going?’
‘Busy. Revision.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘I’ll be glad when it’s behind me.’ She turns towards me. ‘I know no-one likes exams, but they are really not my thing.’
I interrupt. ‘Believe me, there are more than a few sadistic weirdos out there who seem to completely thrive on them.’ I pause. ‘You’ll be fine. Anyway, exams aren’t everything.’
‘I know.’ Her expression is thoughtful as her eyes meet mine. ‘But they’re still kind of hanging over me, to be honest. At college, no-one can talk about anything else.’ She shrugs. ‘I guess they’re just one of those things I have to get out of the way. Then I can start planning the next bit.’
Her words stick in my mind as I walk home, deep in thought. It’s a glorious spring morning, the birds in full song, the sun rising in a pale blue sky. Glancing through the shop windows, I take in displays that reflect the time of year, while the streets are abundant with colourful flowers.
But back at home, with the door closed behind me, they fade into insignificance. Distractions only go so far and the strain is building. Going into the kitchen, as I gaze through the window, a tear rolls down my cheek. It’s followed by another, then as a shaky sigh comes from me, a veritable deluge starts.
Hearing a knock on the door, I almost ignore it. But wiping my face, I go to answer it.
‘Hi.’ I feel myself freeze. After what I said yesterday, Forrest is the last person I’m expecting to see.
‘I know what you said about a rain check,’ he says softly. ‘And I’m sorry to just turn up like this. But I had a feeling something was wrong.’ He looks worried. ‘I’m right, aren’t I?’
Unable to speak, I leave him standing in the doorway; hear the door quietly close as I go back to the kitchen. When I turn around, he’s standing there watching me.
‘It hasn’t been the best start to the day,’ I start, my eyes filling with tears. ‘In fact, it’s been a pretty shit week. I didn’t tell you…’ I break off as my voice wobbles. ‘Something isn’t right. I don’t know what exactly. I’m having these tests…’
Two weeks ago, I could never have imagined confiding in him. But it’s a measure of how much has changed as coming closer, he puts his arms around me. And as we stand there, I lean into him, feeling a tentative sense of calm come over me.
