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‘He asked me out for lunch. I didn’t go.’ I pause. ‘Then later on, he turned up at my door. He’s nice,’ I add, seeing Rae’s look of consternation. ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really got him wrong.’
Meanwhile, as the days lengthen, I scrutinise my every step as my early morning walks shift with the sunrise.
So, it seems, do Birdy’s. At the folly one morning, watching the sun climb behind the trees, I focus on the moment, closingmy eyes, wondering if there’s a parallel world where life is simple.
‘Hey.’ Birdy’s voice jolts me out of my dream. ‘I didn’t think anyone else would be here.’
‘Sorry.’ I turn to look at her. In jogging pants and a pale pink sleeveless t-shirt, in the low sunlight, her hair gleams a rich auburn. ‘Nor did I.’
Slowing down, she stops in front of me. ‘It’s OK that it’s you, though.’
‘Thanks.’ I smile at her, tentative relief filling me that Rae hasn’t told her about my fears. ‘And ditto, completely. Pretty amazing isn’t it, having all of this to ourselves?’
‘Yes.’ She turns to survey the expanse of woodland, the fields that stretch for miles. ‘Kind of crazy that no-one else is out here.’
‘They don’t know what they’re missing, do they?’ I say wistfully. ‘How’s the revision?’
‘Never ending.’ Birdy shakes her head. ‘I’ll be so glad when it’s over.’
‘Exams aren’t easy.’ My words are heartfelt. ‘I used to think it was the pressure of the moment. Knowing you can’t go back, and what you’ve written is there forever.’ I look at her. ‘Anyway, whatever happens, life’s about so much more than exam results.’
‘I know. But I’ve made myself a timetable and so far, I’m sticking to it.’ She glances at her watch. ‘Talking of which…’
‘I admire your discipline. You better run,’ I tell her. ‘Good luck.’
A future I’ve always questioned shrinks, extends only as far as the day of my hospital appointment as I find myself unable to look beyond it. When the morning arrives, Rae and I walk downto the station together, as I keep reminding myself that right now, as far as I know, there might still be nothing wrong. It’s ignorance that could be bliss – that’s anything but.
Standing on the platform, I wish it was any other day, that I was anywhere else in the world, as we get on the train. Time seems suspended as it speeds towards Brighton; holds the strangest juxtaposition, the cherry blossom set against the palest of blue skies; spring’s acid colours, Rae’s friendship, all of them bittersweet; overshadowed by the all-pervading fear I feel.
As I gaze out of the window, I’m aware of my stomach constantly churning. It isn’t just the not knowing. It’s the fear of finding out the worst and what that will mean.
I’m going to be OK,I keep telling myself, in rhythm with the sound of the train; countering my instincts, reeling in my catastrophising mind.Even if I’m not, even in the worst of scenarios, miracles can happen.
But it’s as though I’m standing on the edge of my life, while beside me, Rae knows my worst fears. ‘You have to remember. Whatever happens, Marnie, I promise you. You have me. You won’t be alone.’
I’m not given to displays of affection, but my hand creeps towards hers. She takes hold of it and grips it tightly, holding on as the fields and towns flash past, neither of us speaking, until an hour later the train pulls into the station in Brighton.
Outside, Rae finds a taxi. As it drives us towards the hospital, I’m unable to speak. I want to stop the taxi, to climb out and walk away. Instead, as I sit there, my thoughts spiral, my feeling of dread deepening.
Random thoughts run through my head, that maybe this is one of those times it’s better not to know what lies ahead; maybe ignorance really is bliss. I can manage if my leg isn’t right. Not everyone decides to go ahead with treatment. If the worst is going to happen, so be it.
But time disappears again as in what feels like minutes, the taxi turns in and pulls over in front of the hospital. Sitting there, I stare at the building, frozen, fighting my instincts to run again as Rae’s voice comes from beside me.
‘Marnie? Are you ready?’
But I’ll never be ready. How can I be? As I turn to meet her eyes, fear takes me over, my voice wavering as I speak. ‘I’m not sure I can do this.’
Thanks to Rae, I make it to the waiting area. Sitting there, I think about the scans, cursing the availability of too much information, trying to counter what I’ve read online, before giving up. More than once, I think about getting up and walking out. But then I remember what Birdy said – about getting things out of the way and planning the next bit, telling myself I have to accept this is what it is. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
If waiting is surreal, having the scans is more so. Closing my eyes, I conjure memories; picture myself anywhere else but here. My favourite Spanish beach, eating pizza with Rae, even sitting on the bench at the folly. My faithless brain wild with worst-case diagnoses as I imagine having to go through this again. And again.And again…
It’s no easier when it’s over. I discover that health scares linger – this is just the first part. The wait isn’t over. The results won’t come back for about a fortnight.
15
JACK
It’s one of the most glorious springs I can remember; timely, lifting my spirits, making me grateful to be alive. No question, life is on the up again. Humming to myself, I feed the goats, stopping to plant a kiss on Jojo’s head.
