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When he nods, I thread my arm through his. ‘Come on. Let’s find somewhere quiet and you can tell me about it.’
Under the deep shade of trees in full leaf, as we walk, he starts talking. ‘They’re happening more and more. It’s getting to the point I hardly sleep at night. In them, I’m called Billy. I’m at a party where everyone seems comfortable in their own skins. While what I feel…’ He frowns. ‘I feel really alone – until I meet Lori. She’s only just moved into the area and doesn’t know anyone…’ He pauses, his eyes searching mine. ‘Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to wake up believing you’re someone else?’
‘What else happens?’ I say gently.
‘There’s another. We’re on a beach. The sun is shining. Lori’s in a yellow bikini. We’re so happy.’ As he looks at me, tears glitter in his eyes. ‘We’re larking around in the sea, splashing each other. It’s detailed. I can see the water droplets on her skin, her hair floating around her in the water. There’s this incredible feeling when she tells me she loves me – and I tell her I love her, too.’
Watching him, I’m unsettled. These dreams or whatever they are clearly seem real to him.
He goes on. ‘They always end the same way, with me trying to hold on to Lori, but I can’t. She just fades out of reach. I knowhow weird it sounds. Believe me, it’s even weirder experiencing them.’
I don’t know how to help him. ‘Maybe you should talk to someone – just to give you peace of mind.’
‘I’ve thought the same. But I don’t know who.’
‘A therapist, maybe?’ I gaze into his eyes. ‘I’m reading this amazing book – about the unconscious mind. I’ll lend it to you.’ I take one of his hands. ‘So much is happening to you. And it must be confusing. But at the same time, I can’t stop thinking how it’s brought us together.’
He nods slowly, his eyes not leaving mine. ‘I’ve thought the same.’
When my test results arrive, I turn down Rae’s offer to come to the hospital in nearby Brighton with me again, this time making the journey alone.
It’s a day that could go either way, but however much I keep reminding myself there’s every chance I’m fine, my heart is pounding as I wait for my appointment, time seeming to slow impossibly, until at last the door opens into the consultant’s room.
The nurse standing there looks at me. ‘Marnie?’
Some days are engrained into your mind forever. That day at the hospital will be one of them. I’m numb, after, as I step outside; the consultant’s words an incomprehensible jumble around a reality that’s simple.
As I take in what it means, the low sunlight dazzles my eyes as, at a complete loss as to what else to do, I start walking.
SUMMER
17
RAE
Knowing Marnie is seeing her consultant, my mind refuses to settle as I berate myself for not going with her. But she’d been adamant about going alone – and as I’m learning, Marnie likes to do things her way.
Glancing at the clock, I wait for her to call, hoping for a breezyI’m fine, Rae! Let’s go out and celebrate!
‘Excuse me, but I’m hoping you can help me.’ I turn to see a fair-haired woman looking at me.
‘Of course.’ I smile at her. ‘What is it you’re looking for?’
She hesitates. ‘That’s the thing. I’m not sure. I’ve heard… Well, someone told me you’re good at recommending books. So that’s why I’m here.’
‘Oh.’ I stare at her, mystified. But it’s true. I am good at matching books and people. ‘What do you usually like to read?’
‘Thrillers, mostly. But also… I suppose I like novels that take you on a journey, if that makes sense.’
I assume she means geographically: to my mind, most novels should take the reader somewhere. ‘I can think of one or two.’ Going over to the shelves, I pick out a couple and take them back to her. ‘Have you read these?’
‘No.’ She looks at the covers with interest. ‘I’ll take them. Thank you.’
I’m taken aback. ‘Don’t you think you should at least read the blurb?’ I’d hate her to get home and be disappointed.
‘Not this time.’ After she’s paid, she looks around. ‘It’s a lovely shop.’
‘Thank you.’ Standing there, I watch her walk towards the door as another voice comes from behind me.
