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‘I couldn’t help overhearing just now… Do you think you could help me, too?’
Turning, I see the woman who has the clothes shop just across the road. I’ve watched her from time to time, not in a stalkerish way, but in a people-watching kind of way. She works long hours, with customers coming and going. ‘I have just the thing,’ I tell her, finding her one of my favourite novels about a woman who embarks on a quest to simplify her life, and in doing so, rediscovers herself.
When I get a lull, I try Marnie’s mobile. But as expected, it goes straight to voicemail. I leave her a message.
Hey. Just wondering how you are. Give me a call when you get this.
But when she doesn’t, a sinking feeling comes over me, her silence meaning only one thing. It isn’t good news.
It isn’t until I’m about to close that I see her familiar figure outside the shop, pausing for a moment before she pushes the door open. As she comes towards me, her face is pale, her eyes wide with fear.
Holding out my arms, I hug her. ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ I say gently, locking the door and turning the sign to closed.
Taking her over to the sofa, I listen as she claws back fragments of what the consultant told her. Mostly just words: surgery, chemo, radiotherapy. And one stand-out, terrifying sentence.The scan shows brain tumours.
‘I’m scared, Rae.’ Her dark eyes search mine. ‘Of having surgery. Of them not being able to cure me. Of what comes next.’ A tear rolls down her cheek.
‘Will they do a biopsy?’ One particular type of cancer has been floated, but as yet, remains untethered.
‘Not till I have surgery.’ Her voice shakes. ‘Their logic is they have to debulk the tumour whatever it is.Debulk.’ Her eyes turn to mine. ‘I’m terrified what that’s going to do to my brain.’
‘They know what they’re doing.’ I try to reassure her. ‘Maybe it won’t be malignant.’
But going on what her consultant suspects, I know she’s preparing herself for the worst.
I try to hold on to hope, that her cancer will be cured; that life will go back to how it used to be. But as I’m realising, it never will; that a cancer diagnosis alters the way you frame everything.
Finding my own way of coping, I start putting together a new corner of my shop, with titles written by cancer patients, others about the psychological side effects. It’s for Marnie, but I don’t tell her that. I let her discover it for herself.
And it takes her a while, but one day when she comes in, she’s drawn towards them. When she hesitates, I wonder if it’s a step too far. But one by one, she picks up each book, turning the pages, stopping to read when she finds a chapter that’s relevant to her.
They are strange days as her new reality settles over her. Marnie’s questions remain unanswerable.Why now? Why me?Her emotions ricocheting between extremes. Meanwhile, my own fears take a back seat; while with every scan, a more detailed picture of her cancer emerges as she waits for treatment to start.
18
MARNIE
I imagine life as a fathomless ocean in which Rae is a rock, there whenever I need her, whatever time of the day or night it is; while Forrest is my life support, buoying me up when a storm hits. Meanwhile, the sun still shines; the same people walk Arundel’s streets, going about their lives as they do every day. But instead of finding it stifling, for the first time I take some small comfort in that.
As I count down these days, at home I throw the windows open, drinking in the warmth. Resting my elbows on the windowsill, I close my eyes, savouring the feeling, the smallest details taking on more significance as time passes.
As I breathe in, something happens. I can’t tell if I’m dreaming, or whether my mind is simply escaping, but suddenly I have a vision of green, poppy-scattered fields and far-reaching deep blue skies; of the warm, all-encompassing feeling that comes from knowing you are loved.
It doesn’t end there. Opening my eyes suddenly, my heart aches. It’s the love I’ve known instinctively exists, yet I haven’t found yet, as suddenly I’m thinking of what Birdy said, about how this life isn’t all there is. That her parents are stillsomewhere, whether she can see them or not. How she can sense them around her.
What if she’s right?I feel myself freeze, a whole new perspective on life opening up in front of me. One that reaches beyond the constraints of this earth, to somewhere expansive; infinite. Is this strange memory I have somehow connected to that?
Behind me, the door slams shut, jolting me back to reality, just as my mobile buzzes. Recognising the number of the hospital, my heart leaps with hope that they’re calling to tell me there’s been a mistake. But I’ve seen the scans. There is no doubt. With a sinking heart, I answer it.
Life changes again when my friend finds someone else to run the hotel, meaning my days are my own. It’s time that in a sense I need, yet when I’m alone, my thoughts run away with me. On one such day, as it’s all getting too much, Forrest turns up.
‘I’ve been worried about you.’ His eyes are anxious. ‘Do you know any more about what’s going on?’
Determined to hold it together, I take a deep breath, my self-control vanishing as a single tear rolls down my face.
I want to tell him everything, yet I’m holding back. But he takes a step closer, then he’s there, in front of me, putting his arms tentatively around me. Leaning against him, I take a deep breath as my resolve vanishes and the tears start.
As I sob, he’s silent, his hand stroking my back, emotion pouring out of me, the strangest feeling coming over me that here, with Forrest, as my world is falling apart around me, I’m home.
