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‘I came over earlier. I think you must have been asleep.’
I shake my head. ‘We were up early this morning. Forrest took me out.’
‘Where did you go?’ Rae looks curious.
Switching on the kettle, I turn to her. ‘You won’t believe what we did.’ Telling her about Forrest’s plane, I watch her eyes widen.
‘Weren’t you scared?’
‘Truthfully? For about three seconds.’ I hesitate. ‘But it was worth it. It was magical.’ It’s hard to explain that when I don’t have a whole lot to lose, it puts a different perspective on takingrisks – not that it felt like that. ‘It’s made me realise something. Whatever else is going on, there’s still a lot of life to live.’
Rae looks dazed. ‘Do you have any idea how amazing you are?’
I smile. ‘I’m really not. I’m feeling great after this morning. And I’m not thinking about tomorrow…’ My smile fades. But as I take our mugs of tea over to the table, I want to talk to her about something else. ‘So…’ I look at her quizzically. ‘About you and Jack…’
She sighs. ‘I don’t know.’ She looks at me. ‘I’m mixed up, to be honest. I completely accept I need to change one or two things, but as for letting someone into my life, I’m not sure I’m ready.’
I’m puzzled. ‘But that day you met his goats…’
‘And his neighbour. And yes, I know I kissed him. But…’ She tails it off.
‘And he drove you to see me in hospital,’ I remind her.
‘That, too.’ She looks anxious.
‘Aren’t these things supposed to be simple?’ I sit back. ‘I mean, either you like this guy, or you don’t.’
‘I do, but…’ She fiddles with her mug before looking up. ‘The thing is, Birdy and I are just fine as we are. I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that.’
‘It’s more than that, isn’t it?’ I say gently. When she looks up, I know I’ve struck a nerve. ‘Is it maybe because you’re scared? Scared of caring about someone and losing them again?’
She sighs. ‘Maybe – a little.’
Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on the table. ‘Rae?’ I say gently. ‘Birdy isn’t going to be your responsibility forever. She has her own life to live – just as you have yours.’
Rae looks troubled. ‘I know. I suppose I haven’t looked further ahead. I’ve built this life to keep us safe…’ She tails it off.
On the one hand I understand, yet on the other, I can’t believe how Rae is limiting herself. ‘You’re young. You have a long life ahead of you. There’s so much to see and do. I get how the shop is important to you. And it’s an amazing place you’ve created. But life’s about so much more than just working. You need people – the right people. I think we all do.’ It’s something I’m appreciating more and more as time goes on.
‘I do know.’ She nods. ‘And I’ve been thinking the same thing. I need to turn my thoughts into action, don’t I?’
‘Maybe a little,’ I say gently. ‘You should go out more. Have some fun.’
‘So should you – don’t you think, if that doesn’t sound insensitive?’ Her anxious look is back.
I shake my head. ‘It isn’t at all – and you’re right.’ Going flying with Forrest has shown me that.
She frowns slightly. ‘It’s weird, isn’t it – how Forrest has come into your life. Now, when you’re not well. I’ve thought about it a lot.’
‘There’s a lot that’s weird.’ Not least how the Forrest I’ve got to know is the total opposite of the arsehole lawyer who walked into the hotel that first day. ‘But it’s so easy between us – like we’ve always known each other.’ Silent for a moment, I realise I don’t know how else to describe it. But it’s like no relationship I’ve ever had before.
Suddenly the same old question is back: that if we were meant to have a life together, shouldn’t we have met before? But this time, there’s an answer. Because I wouldn’t have been open to it, I’m suddenly realising. It’s why my relationships went wrong. Until I met Forrest, I didn’t believe I deserved more.
Tears prick my eyes. ‘He’s the first person who’s made me believe in myself.’ It’s as though I can feel things falling into place. When people love you, they don’t abandon you. Having afather who left, a mother who couldn’t be a parent, I grew up believing I wasn’t worthy of more than that.
Rae touches my hand. ‘I didn’t realise you felt like that.’ Her eyes hold mine. ‘But look at you. Whatever’s happened in your life, you’re not a victim, Marnie. Look at how strong you are. Meeting Forrest has helped you see that.’
On my good days, I am strong. Like I said to Rae, they’re days I have to make the most of. With my treatment starting the day after tomorrow, they’re dwindling days as, compelled to start decluttering, I begin to go through my possessions. I brought two suitcases when I arrived from Spain. A few boxes followed that have remained unopened. I think of the stuff inside. I haven’t missed any of it. It’s stuff I envisaged moving on with me when I left here.
