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But when I leave here, I’m not going to need any of it.
I worry about the impact on Birdy this will have, but she’s oddly matter of fact.
‘If you want company, or if Forrest’s out for the day, tell me, OK?’ Glancing towards Rae where she’s busy in the kitchen, she lowers her voice. ‘You’d be doing us a favour. She needs to get used to me not being around.’ There’s something about the way she speaks that suggests she’s planning something.
For the first time since the diagnosis bomb dropped, I’m thinking about someone else. ‘What’s going on?’
Glancing at Rae again, she raises a finger to her lips. ‘Later.’
I find out more the following day when she comes round to see me, bringing Sienna with her, their presence a breeze of optimism, of normality in my life.
‘Tea?’ I fill the kettle. ‘So what’s been going on, you guys?’
Birdy glances at Sienna. ‘Actually… You know what I said the other day, about Rae getting used to me not being here?’
My ears prick up. ‘Yes. And ever since, I’ve been wondering what you meant exactly.’
‘Well…’ She gazes towards the window. ‘I’m still mulling. But I’ve enquired about a couple of volunteer projects. One is a conservation programme in Spain. The other… It’s teaching – in a primary school. In Uganda.’
‘Wow…’ I’m slightly dazed. ‘Which one’s it to be?’
Her eyes are clear as she looks at me. ‘I really want to go to Uganda. It’s what I need, Marnie. To experience another way of life far away from here.’
I take in the anxiety in her eyes. ‘And you’re worried about Rae.’
She nods. ‘She won’t understand. And I know she’ll worry.’
‘Oh, Birdy… Rae will be OK. She’s changing, you know. And she doesn’t expect you to stay here forever.’
‘I know.’ She doesn’t sound convinced.
‘What about you?’ Until now, Sienna’s said nothing. ‘You must be off to uni soon.’
‘Hopefully.’ Making a show of crossing her fingers, Sienna dramatically rolls eyes fringed with long, mascara-clad lashes. ‘If I get my grades, I’m going to study chemistry.’
‘Wow. You didn’t want a gap year like Birdy?’
Sienna shakes her head. ‘I can always do that later.’ She pauses. ‘Anyway, my parents aren’t keen on the idea.’ She turns to Birdy. ‘It’s different for you.’
‘It really isn’t. You’re letting your parents make your decisions, while I’m making my own.’ Birdy looks frustrated.‘Anyway, we’ve already talked about it. There’s no point going over it again.’
‘Everyone’s different,’ I say hastily. ‘And a science degree is exciting – it could open all kinds of doors.’
While Birdy rolls her eyes. Sienna looks at me gratefully. ‘Exactly.’
When they get up to leave, Birdy lingers. ‘If there’s anything we can do, any time, you will ask, won’t you?’
‘Both of us?’ Sienna adds.
‘Thank you.’ Knowing how young they are, how carefree they should be, yet they mean every word, my heart twists.But there’s nothing that can frigging help…I want to cry. That’s the problem. There is no solution, anywhere in the world, to what is happening to me.
And then it’s here. The first day of treatment. A day I already want to be over.
Instead of driving, we take the train – Forrest’s idea. He wants to be able to focus on me. At the hospital, he helps me out of the taxi. ‘I’m coming in with you.’
But it’s enough that he’s come here. ‘There’s really no need.’
Ignoring me, he takes my hand and starts walking.
