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‘Thanks.’ I pause. ‘But you know what? If I’m honest with myself, I think I’ve been hiding out in there.’
She smiles. ‘I think maybe you have a little. That’s OK, though. After Mum and Dad died, it was hard, wasn’t it?’
I nod. ‘Really hard. But you’ve come to terms with it much better than I have – or rather, you seem to have.’
‘Maybe.’ She shrugs. ‘I think it’s because I believe that when you die, it isn’t the end. I really believe they haven’t gone – I think of it like they’re in another room somewhere.’
‘Something weird happened earlier.’ It seems odd saying it, even to Birdy. ‘But while the sun was coming up, it felt like there was almost nothing between this world and the next. I’ve never felt that before.’
‘I feel that sometimes.’ She holds my gaze. ‘We haven’t lost them, Rae. Not really.’
‘I’m really trying to believe that…’ Feeling tears prick my eyes, I wipe them away. But it’s a morning everything seems heightened – including my emotions.
‘Oh, Rae…’ She gazes towards the window. ‘The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that this life in the here and now is only part of the story. I know in the moment, it’s everything to us. But I’m trying to step back – and look at the bigger picture. I mean, billions of years of time have passed, in a universe that’s infinite… Who knows what lies beyond?’ There’s a faraway look on her face as she gets up.
‘Birdy?’ There’s something I have to say. ‘I know you want to travel. And I know I’m not adventurous. But you have to do it.’ I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘It’s your life. You should follow your beautiful heart, wherever it takes you.’
There are tears in her eyes as, coming over, she hugs me. ‘Thank you,’ she whispers. ‘You’re the best sister.’
‘Ditto.’ There are tears in my eyes, too, as my heart feels full to overflowing.
Later that day, I take delivery of some new books, earmarking the ones I might want to read before putting them out on the shelves, when the bell above the door jingles and suddenly Jack’s standing there.
With his dark hair and a pale t-shirt showing off his tan, he looks gorgeous.
‘Hello.’ Trying to hide my awkwardness, I can’t ignore the way my heart is thudding. I smile at him. ‘How are you? And your goats?’
‘Really good.’ His eyes are laughing. ‘How about you?’
‘I’m good,’ I say, slightly thrown, wanting to be braver, to shake off my old ways. ‘It’s nice to see you.’
‘You, too.’ He hesitates. ‘The beach was great the other day. It’s a shame you didn’t make it.’
‘It was. And I should have.’ After he left that day, the shop was quiet the rest of the afternoon.
He looks surprised. ‘Another time, maybe?’
‘I’d like that.’ I’m hoping he’ll suggest today, tomorrow, but he doesn’t. ‘So can I help you at all?’
He glances towards the shelves. ‘OK if I just take a look?’
‘Of course.’ Slightly disappointed, I carry on scrutinising the new books. But if he’s holding back, it’s because I turned him down. And he’s still here, I remind myself.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch him peruse the shelf of books about travel, wondering if he’s planning a holiday. Or maybe he’s daydreaming. After all, bookshops can be like libraries, places to linger, immerse yourself in other worlds, and whole other lives you can only guess at.
I carry on unpacking books, but then come across one that isn’t for the shop. It’s for me – and in time, perhaps Marnie, too; about living with a terminal diagnosis. Reading the blurb on the back again, I put it down just as Jack comes over. Clutching a book about the Italian Riviera, he passes it to me.
‘Have you read this one?’ Before I can answer, he glances towards my cancer book. ‘That looks interesting.’ Our eyes meet in a moment of recognition.
‘It isn’t for the shop.’ I hand it to him. ‘But you’re welcome to take a look.’ I hesitate. ‘Marnie saw her consultant. It wasn’t good news. I suppose I want to understand more about what she’s going through.’ As unexpected tears fill my eyes, I wipe them away. Then, because I know he understands, I tell him about her diagnosis, his eyes confirming the seriousness of it. He frowns. ‘Has she started treatment?’
‘Last week.’ I blink my tears away. ‘But it’s just to buy her time. They can’t cure her…’ Hearing my voice waver, I try to get hold of myself.
‘I know it’s frightening…’ Jack’s eyes hold mine. ‘But the most surprising things happen. Don’t ever forget that. Against the odds, some people do still live for years – even with a diagnosis like Marnie’s.’ He glances at my book. ‘I’ve read a lot of books on the subject,’ he says quietly. ‘But I’ve never seen this one.’
‘It’s new – a bestseller,’ I tell him. ‘I just feel I need to understand more. I want to do as much as I can to help her.’ On impulse, I go on. ‘About the other day, when you asked me to go to the beach, I didn’t mean to be so indecisive. When it comes to the shop, I seem to have a block.’ I hesitate. ‘Actually, it’s more than that. But I’m working on it.’ I rally a smile.
‘It’s OK.’ He stands there. ‘And that’s good. Isn’t it?’ He looks slightly apprehensive. ‘Because I had another reason forcalling in. I was wondering if… you’d like to come out for dinner sometime.’
