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‘I did. But that was then. It’s obvious now we weren’t right for each other. That’s why you left, isn’t it?’ I add more gently.
‘I screwed up.’ Her eyes glisten with tears. ‘We had a nice life, didn’t we?’
‘I used to think so. But you found someone else,’ I remind her, as the penny drops. ‘I take it you’ve broken up with him?’
Her cheeks blush slightly as she nods. ‘Turns out he isn’t the man I thought he was.’
Folding my arms, I sit back. ‘I hate to say this, but have you stopped to think about what I went through – when you left? It was like I didn’t know you, Lisa. But I realise now, there was a reason we broke up. We weren’t right together.’
‘We used to be.’ She clasps her perfectly manicured hands together. ‘You used to say I made you happy.’
‘I know I did.’ Lisa used to make me laugh; she represented an escape from the sadness of work, reminded me that there were things in life to feel happy about. ‘And you used to say you were the only thing that made me happy.’
‘You were always so sad.’ She shakes her head.
A memory comes back, of Lisa taunting me.Poor, sad Jack… ‘I’m not any more,’ I say firmly. ‘I’m fine. In fact, I’m great.’ I pause, looking at her as I stand up. I don’t need someone who’s an escape any more. As far as I’m concerned, this conversation is over. ‘You’ll be OK, too – without me,’ I say more gently. ‘Life moves on.’
‘That’s it?’ She doesn’t look at me.
I nod. ‘It is.’
‘I’d better go.’ Getting up, she walks towards the door.
‘Look after yourself,’ I say as she opens it.
‘You, too,’ she says. Leaving it open, she walks to her car.
As I watch her get in and drive away, I have no desire to stop her. All I feel is a fleeting sadness for her, before relief comes over me and a weight lifts as I realise: the past is behind me. For good.
24
RAE
However much she holds it inside, I watch the shock wave of Marnie’s illness ripple out. But as well as uncertainty and fear, it awakens in all of us a desire to live. To see joy in the bluest sky or tiniest bird; to know grief and fear, too, if only because we love; but also to see sadness for what it is, a recalibration enabling us to see what happiness is.
It drives me to seize more moments and after a sleepless night, I get up as the first light creeps in around the curtains. Creeping out of the flat so as not to wake Birdy, I go outside.
It’s a beautiful morning, the town silent, the streets empty of traffic as I walk up the hill towards the folly. Around me, the landscape is waking up, the dawn chorus intensifying into a full-blown orchestra. I breathe in the balmy air, a tentative and unfamiliar sense of peace settling over me as the trees open out, giving a far-reaching view of fields and hills.
Feeling my heart lift, I watch a huge, orange sun rise above the horizon, bathing the fields in golden light. As I trace its upwards movement through the branches, a surreal feeling takes me over. For a moment, it’s as though I’m just a step away from what lies beyond this world. Somewhere my parents are.Closing my eyes, I make a wish for this beautiful light to wash over Marnie, to take her cancer away, to heal her.
As I walk back towards the town, I’m filled with a new sense of resolve. My parents may not be here, but I am. This is my wonderful life. It can be whatever I want it to be.
I half expect to see Birdy out on one of her early morning runs, but it’s a measure of the heat that even at this time of day, there’s no sign of her.
When I get home, she shuffles out of her bedroom. ‘It’s a bit early.’ She stifles a yawn, glancing through the open window where the sun is coming into view. ‘Bit scary, isn’t it?’
‘Scary?’ I’m taken aback.
Birdy rolls her eyes. ‘High temperatures, low water tables, fires breaking out… And not just in England. It’s happening across Europe.’ She yawns. ‘I was about to make tea. Would you like a cup?’
‘I’d love one.’ Standing there, I watch her. Her long hair is slightly tangled from sleep, her legs tanned, as always an aura of calm about her. But Birdy’s always been her own person, with her own unique take on this world.
‘Here.’ Passing me a mug, she sits on the sofa and curls her legs underneath her. ‘It’s not like you to be up so early.’
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I say. ‘It was lovely out there. I didn’t see anyone else.’ I watch her sip her tea. ‘It made me think – about all kinds of things. The biggest of which is how I’ve been so wrapped up in the shop, I haven’t really thought about much else.’
Birdy puts her mug down. ‘The shop is lovely.’
