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When she’s down, I try to stay positive. ‘They’re talking averages, Marnie. There are people who live way, way longer. There’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t be one of them.’
But she doesn’t buy it. ‘And people who don’t. A year is nothing, Rae. It’s like I’m being short-changed out of an entire lifetime.’
And because she’s right, because I don’t believe in platitudes any more than she does, there’s nothing I can say. All I can do is hug her.
There are days she rallies and we spend a glorious afternoon in the sun together, making plans for the next good day,whenever that will be. And so it goes on, this rollercoaster ride, as I do everything within my power to help her.
When the day before her second surgery arrives, after closing the shop, when I go around to hers, she looks lighter.
She smiles when she sees me. ‘How was your day?’
‘Busy.’ I collapse onto one of the kitchen chairs. ‘You?’
‘Actually OK. One of the better ones.’ She adjusts her headscarf – one I haven’t seen before. ‘Do you fancy a walk up to the lake?’
I sit up. ‘What, now?’
‘Yes,’ she says defiantly. ‘Why not? I want to do something.’
It’s been a while since she’s suggested anything like this. ‘Sure!’
It’s muggy outside, the air clammy, still. Our pace is slow, her leg clearly causing her problems, while there’s an edge to Marnie, a restlessness as we walk down the High Street, before turning up the road that leads to the lake.
‘I’ve spent the whole day thinking.’ When at last she speaks, she sounds preoccupied. ‘I mean, right now, no-one can give me any certainties. I’ve no idea how long I have, or how this is going to go. So, I’ve decided I have to do what’s important to me – while I can.’
Alarm bells start going off. ‘Hopefully you’re going to have a long time.’
For a moment she’s silent. ‘We both know it isn’t likely,’ she says quietly.
‘But we can’t be sure.’ Imagining the worst is a step too far. ‘Maybe this surgery will be more effective than last time.’
‘About that…’ Stopping, she looks at me. ‘I’ve been thinking, Rae. Why am I doing it?’ Her eyes search mine. ‘Look at the last three months. I’ve felt like shit. What kept me going was the thought of being OK – even if it was only for a while. But I’m not, am I?’ Sighing, she shakes her head.
Glancing at her, I notice her face is pale. Suddenly I’m anxious we’ve been walking too fast. ‘Are you OK?’
She stops suddenly. ‘I think I need to sit – just for a minute.’
‘There’s a bench over there.’ I point to one that’s under a tree, positioned for its views towards the castle.
Making our way over, we sit in the shade.
Marnie’s the first to speak. ‘I suppose until this happened, I’d never thought about dying.’ Her hands are clasped tightly. ‘Of course, right now, I hardly think about anything else. It frightens the hell out of me.’
I gaze into the distance. ‘I think it frightens most people.’
‘But not you?’ she says quietly.
‘Not so much.’ I shrug. ‘I mean, that isn’t to say it didn’t used to. But…’ I try to think. ‘When my parents died, I was all over the place. But more recently, I got to thinking about how in the grand scheme of things, all our lifetimes are short.’ And the thing is, none of us can predict what’s going to happen in our lives – how long we’ll live, when we’re going to die. We just deal with whatever comes along, when it happens.
Marnie’s quiet for a moment. ‘That’s how you choose which books to stock – in the shop, isn’t it? About nature and philosophy – and life.’
‘Rumbled.’ I hold my hands up. ‘But not all of them. I just got to thinking there must be millions of people like me with all these questions. It’s a way of sharing what I’ve learned. But people still have to want to find them.’
‘People like me.’ Marnie looks thoughtful. ‘Remember the first day I came in? Before any of this had started. Seems a world away, doesn’t it?’ She shakes her head. ‘I picked up all those books, and you persuaded me to buy something different.’
‘Ah,’ I say. ‘But it wasn’t that different. Not really – and I was right, wasn’t I?’
‘Well, yes.’ She sighs. ‘That book really made me think. But it was only the first thing. Almost everything that’s happened since coming back to England has made me rethink so many things.’
