AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘Weird, isn’t it? The timing of everything?’ I watch her face.
She shakes her head. ‘The weirdest thing is that my illness has been the biggest wake-up call of all – and in a way, I can see a part of me needed that. Things that used to matter to me, the people in Spain who used to be my so-called friends, the bars, the social life, none of that’s important any more. I miss the weather and way of life… Who wouldn’t?’ She looks wistful for a moment. ‘But when I think how I used to moan about living here, all I feel now are reasons I’m grateful for it.’
‘Maybe it isn’t so strange,’ I say quietly. ‘I went through something similar when I lost my parents. When everything I’d taken for granted had suddenly gone, I didn’t see anything the way I used to.’
‘Not to mention bloody Gareth leaving you right after they died, too…’ She looks mutinous.
At the mention of Gareth’s name, I feel nothing. ‘Gareth was never important. I thought he was – at the time. Now, I can’t imagine what I ever saw in him – which goes to show how much I’ve changed.’ Seeing her face, I go on. ‘You are so flipping, awesomely brave… When you’re feeling better again, we’re going to do those things we’ve talked about,’ I say firmly. ‘And anything else you want to. We have the best days of the year coming up. We can go to the beach. Have picnics by the lake. Hire rowing boats, eat ice-creams. Buy crazy clothes! It doesn’t stop it being scary, of course I know that. But…’ Breaking off, when she doesn’t say anything, I frown at her. ‘What is it?’
There’s a silence during which my blood runs cold. Eventually, when she looks at me, her eyes are calm. ‘I made a decision earlier today,’ she says. ‘I really need you to understand,Rae.’ Her eyes are sad. ‘It’s about the surgery.’ She pauses. ‘I’ve decided not to have it.’
Shocked, I open my mouth to speak, but she goes on.
‘Please, let me explain…’ She stares at the ground. ‘I’ve thought so much about this. And there are no guarantees it’ll make any difference. I don’t want more long, shitty months. If I can have a couple of good ones…’ Her voice is husky. ‘Do you understand?’
‘But you have to.’ As what she’s saying sinks in, I stare at her. ‘It’s the only way of buying more time.’
‘But it hasn’t, has it?’ Her eyes glisten.
She goes on to tell me that she’s been offered more chemo and radiotherapy. But because the tumours have grown back so quickly, they’re likely to be less effective.
‘Have you told Forrest?’ I say quietly.
‘Not yet.’ She pauses. ‘I’ll tell him tonight.’ She presses her hands together. ‘I’m trying to be strong. To enjoy all the wonderful, amazing things in my life…’ Her voice peters out. ‘But it gets me, Rae.’ A tear rolls down her cheek. ‘When I wake up in the morning. When I go to bed. I wake up in the small hours, terrified.’
Feeling pain stab my heart, I hold her hands, the reality sinking in that she has far less time than any of us hoped. ‘Oh, Marnie…’ Letting go of her hands, I hug her.
‘Thank you.’ As she leans towards me, her arms go around me before she pulls back slightly. ‘For being my friend – and for understanding.’
‘It’s me who should be thanking you.’ I blink away my tears, needing to tell her. ‘Knowing you has changed my life.’
As I walk home, fear takes me over until I can’t think about anything else. ‘Fear does that to you,’ Marnie had told me. ‘There’s this part of our brain called the amygdala. It’s where fear begins, before it spreads into every part of you. I’m anxious from the moment I wake up, Rae, until I fall asleep – I can’t help it.’
Sitting in my flat, I feel my own amygdala flooding my bloodstream with fear hormones, while it’s as though a cloud has positioned itself in front of the sun. More than once, I think about calling Jack. For a while, I hold back. But I reach a point I’m desperate to talk to someone.
‘I’ve been thinking about you – and Marnie, too.’ He answers straight away. ‘How are you?’
‘Sad. Frightened for her. Not sure how to help her.’ I tell him about Marnie’s decision not to have further surgery.
‘It’s really tough, isn’t it?’ His voice is sympathetic. ‘It can’t have been an easy decision to make.’
‘I wish so much she’d change her mind.’ Tears trickle down my face. ‘It’s her only hope.’
‘I can understand why she’s doing this.’ He pauses. ‘She knows what the reality is – and she’s taken control. I admire that.’
Talking to Jack, a slow acceptance comes over me that in a situation like this, there are no right ways. It’s Marnie’s life; Marnie’s choice. All I can do is support her through this.
27
MARNIE
When I get home, Forrest is asleep on the sofa. Walking over, I watch him for a moment, before leaning down and kissing his cheek, watching his eyelashes flutter open.
‘Hey.’ He smiles sleepily. ‘I was dreaming about you.’
‘Oh yeah?’ I raise an eyebrow at him, putting off telling him about the decision I’ve made. ‘A good one, I hope?’
‘Yeah.’ Pulling me towards him, he kisses me.
