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Still none the wiser, I smile. ‘I should get on. Lovely morning, isn’t it?’ I glance at the pale blue sky. ‘I think it was you who said to me, time waits for no man.’
Leaving Gertie standing there looking mystified, I head for the house.
AUTUMN
29
MARNIE
After the storm, there’s the sense of an ending, of summer’s last days fading to autumn. It’s like that for me, too. When I gaze in the mirror, on the surface, there’s little to remind me of the person I used to be. But… it matters less. I’m still alive. And I’m thankful, too, in a way I never have been before.
Lying in bed, I nuzzle into Forrest’s shoulder. Since deciding against surgery, we’ve grown closer. That he’s here is something I’m constantly grateful for.
Together, we go to find Billy’s grave. However strange it may seem to me, Forrest is still trying to make sense of it all.
In the small churchyard, as we stare at the grave, I have goose bumps.
William Gray 1965–1983
Much loved son of Julie and David
Brother of Michael
Forever missed
I feel myself shiver. Given the uncertainty around my future, I’d rather not be here. But it’s one thing I know I can do for Forrest.
He stares at the simple headstone. ‘I wonder if Julie and David are still alive. Or Billy’s brother?’
It’s the weirdest moment yet as I consider the possibility that Forrest had once inhabited the body that lies in the ground here.
I touch his arm gently. ‘Maybe some things are better left.’
But when we get home, he can’t stop himself. Still driven, he opens my laptop and starts delving into parish records to find out where they used to live. Until suddenly, he closes it again. Coming over, he puts his arms around me. ‘It doesn’t matter how we found each other.’ His eyes are earnest as he looks at me. ‘All that matters is we did. And from now on, it’s you I want to think about.’
Selfless and strong, Rae remains my rock through it all, too, watching over me anxiously, nothing ever too much trouble for her.
‘I wish I could do something for you,’ I tell her more than once.
‘Oh, hush,’ she says kindly. ‘This is what friends do for each other. But actually…’ She stops. ‘There is something – just one thing, mind. Get yourself really well again.’
But then a stricken look crosses her face. In our dreams, it’s what both of us want. Yet both of us know what the reality is. Knowing she goes above and beyond what most friends would do, I wrack my brains for a way to thank her, but given everything she’s doing for me, I’m unable to find one.
One afternoon, I have just enough energy to suggest to Rae we go out. Not far… But I have a craving to be outside; to be immersed, just for a while, in normal life.
It’s a cloudy autumn day, the leaves starting to turn. As we walk up the High Street, I notice a familiar figure walking towards us.
I nudge Rae’s arm. ‘It’s him.’
But she’s already seen him. ‘Jack, you mean.’
‘Of course I mean Jack.’ After a promising start, she’s never said why nothing more has happened between them.
Reaching us, he stops. ‘Hi.’ He smiles warmly at Rae and the corners of his eyes crinkle up. ‘How are you?’
‘Really good, thanks.’ Rae turns to me. ‘This is Marnie.’
‘Nice to meet you.’ Looking at me, he smiles. ‘Again. We’ve met before, haven’t we?’
